RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Long Term Partners She Can't Seem To Tell Her Husband How She Feels

Posted in response to another thread here:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/397578#Post397578

Hi Just Breath

I hope that you will find the forum helpful for you

Have you tried writing out exactly how you feel, so that you know what to say when the time feels right?

Or have you considered writing how you feel and letting your husband read it?
It would not have to be a list of bad things; it could have positives and negatives.

Have you considered that he, too, may feel unhappy about the way things are?

Might counselling be an option?

Have you read the books of John Gray?
You could probably find them in a library, and they are very good for helping people to understand ~ and communicate with ~ their partners. Communication seems to be one of your problems, at present.
This is the website:
http://home.marsvenus.com/

Some background might be useful;
How long have you been married?
Do you have children?

Do you go out together to enjoy yourselves?
Could you arrange 'a date'?
Sometimes a change of venue can be helpful.

Thanks for helping me along and starting this thread for me... this chat / forum thing is a whole new world for me.

Here is an answer to your questions and then I will try to explain a little more

Married - 6 years
Children - no (have had difficulty in this area)
Go out together - not a lot - have started doing things on my own more and more which I think may have been the catalyst.
a Date - there is always an excuse

Me and my husband have very different views ... I haven't written out things for him to read.. I have started my own journal which is helpful for me.

I say we haven't talked ... I bring up ideas for dates etc and he either agrees and then it goes away or their is an excuse. While I am a fairly strong woman when it comes to him I am not. He is not abusive or anything to that degree but whenever we get into an argument (or serious discussion) he kinda shuts down and I get upset and then all my thoughts go away. There are things that I have wanted to change for years and have brought up time and time again but he gets so defensive that I drop it. I know this isn't the right response but I have done it for so long to keep the peace. Now I am in this situation that I can't help thinking that it is my fault for "enabling" him all these years.

Sorry - I don't mean to ramble (not even rereading) but I really haven't had anyone to discuss this with.

Counselling would be an option for me (I have done it before for a different reason) for my husband - not so much... he may surprise me but really doesn't "buy" into it.

I will check out those books for sure!

Thanks & any feedback would be appreciated!

I am going out soon, so I cannot answer now, but I just wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know that I'll give it some thought and that there may well be other people on here, who will read it and, hopefully, give you some of their thought

I've read many books that posit it is very natural for men not to want to have long, difficult discussions. It is challenging for them. They are of a "fix it and solve it" mentality and a long discussion does not do that. Whether you believe that to be a general truism or not, it sounds like it might be the case here.

Definitely even if we take that as a given, he should not be talking over you. His being uncomfortable does not mean he should "stamp on you" in essence.

So try starting small. I know it sounds a little contrived but ask him for just 15 minutes to talk, and have an actual timer. And ask him to please let you finish before he takes his turn. Hopefully he should be able to agree to do this for just 15 minutes. If you give it a finite length, and clear requests, that can help a lot. That way he doesn't feel like his only way to escape is to drown you out and force it to end.