Hi everyone, nice to meet you all. I hope someone out there can shed a little light on my situation, as it's causing me a lot of stress.

Let me briefly give you some background. I'm in my late 20s and he is in his mid 50s (I'm male as well.) The age thing is not a problem as far as I'm aware, but he gives me those dreaded "mixed signals" when we see each other. We are casual friends, but have shared some personal information with each other, but the friendship has not had a chance to go very deep.

He displays nearly all the signs that he may share my romantic feelings for him...yet he also has the telltale signs of NOT feeling that way. Let me explain:

Within a month of us meeting (we know each other through a volunteer organization, of which he is a leader) he began greeting me with hugs instead of handshakes. When we converse, he asks me lots of questions about my life and ALWAYS maintains COMPLETE eye contact. He will occasionally find reason to touch my arm, or lay his hand on my back while we are talking. We've only met socially once, when we both ended up being at the same party (neither of us knowing the other would be there), and despite knowing everyone in the room, he chose to sit at my table, and I noticed him looking at me a few times. Later in the evening we were talking and he started rubbing my shoulders. That felt really nice, and very natural. It didn't feel like a come on, but genuine affection.

Sounds promising, right? Well, there's also signs that he's NOT interested in me. We had tentatively made plans to have a meal to discuss a piece of music he suggested to me, but nearly two months has gone by and he's not been able to find the time. He does mention it when we see each other (without prompting from me) so I guess he's not trying to get out of it, but I do wonder why he seems to be dragging his feet. Also, when he suggested that piece of music to me, I suggested getting together to discuss it, and he agreed without hesitation. Also, sometimes when we meet I merely get a handshake, or sometimes just a nod and a smile, rather than the hugs I usually get from him. On one occasion he didn't say anything to me at all, or even acknowlege me, we only spoke because I said hello as he was leaving. Also, he has my email address and telephone number and has never used either, whether it be to talk about the music we discussed or to ask me out.

It just seems like some days he's really happy to see me, others I feel like part of the furniture. I try to stay positive about all the "he likes me" signs, but I can't help feeling sad about the others as I really like him, and would at least like to get to know him better. I can't call him, as he has not given me his number, and I worry that if I bug him we won't even get together as friends as we had planned. Also, it would not be appropriate to ask him out at our group, which is why I want our "discussion lunch" to happen so I can ask him out.

As I said, I don't know if the age difference matters to him, it certainly doesn't to me, or if he feels since he's one of the leaders of the organization he must keep a certain distance. I just don't know how to read him. I get the impression he has had a difficult few years, but I don't know if that would stop him from exploring new friendships (or romances.)

So, if you've made it this far (I know, it was a LONG post!) what do you make of it? Do the "he likes me" signs sound promising? Do the "he doesn't like me" signs spell doom? I don't know if he's really pulling away from me lately, or if it's my imagination.

I'm confused, and I know it's hard for people who cannot witness us interact to be objective, but this is my last shot. I'm close to giving up on him as a potential dating partner, but I want to give it a chance, because I feel very drawn to him.

Let me assure you, this is not a puppy love crush. I'm an adult, he's an adult, and I have plenty of relationship experience. These feelings are genuine. It's not "love" as we don't know each other very well yet, but I do feel great fondness and affection for him.

Any serious advice most sincerely appreciated!

Regards,
Billy, 28, NYC

Hello Billy & welcome

Well, I suppose a few things could be going on here.

Basics first ~ are you certain that he is gay and accepts that he is gay & is willing to be seen to be gay?

Is it possible that he thinks you see him as an uncle-figure and that you would not, therefore, consider him to be a romantic prospect?
If so, then he may be protecting himself. He would not want the embarrassment of you appearing to be appalled at the idea of a relationship and may just not want to put himself into that awkward position.

He may think, or others may have told him, that you are too young; that you might soon leave him for a younger person; that, even if it worked long-term with a younger partner, he would end up being a burden; that you wouldn't have much in common; that others would talk.

He may feel good in your company, but then worry about imposing on you, or seeming too keen ~ or maybe he thinks it wouldn't work out. Maybe he gets shy.

He may, by his age, have gathered lots of concerns and responsibilities that you are not aware of.

There are all sorts of reasons why he might feel hesitant.

Are you sure that he can tell how you feel about him?

And, is it possible that he finds you attractive, but that this is as far as it goes for him?

Have you really given consideration to the age gap? It could cause problems.

Why don'yt you just say that you are going to book a table for that meal and ask hinm when he is free. Make it a definite, rather than a one-day-we'll-do-it, thing.

Good luck

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I really appreciate it! Yes, I'm certain he's gay, and he seems to be fully "out."



Ah! I see your point! I hadn't thought of that! Some of the things he's said to me could be from a sort of "uncle" point-of-view. It does seem after showing me much affection, he suddenly will pull back. I was so wrapped up in my feeling for him, it didn't really occur to me that there could be things about the potential relationship that make him nervous, I just figured he didn't like me "that way."



Another excellent point! As for being a burden, I feel that when people commit to each other, it's "for better or worse," but as he doesn't know how much thought I've put into this, he wouldn't know. I'm starting to see this more from his point of view thanks to your very wise words!



Good point, once again! I tend to stutter and stammer and say odd things around him, like someone with feelings might, and I did rather blatantly give him my phone number. BUT, I don't know where his head is at, so he might just think I'm really keen to have this lunch. I suppose the only way to proceed would be to, assuming he and I get together for lunch, actually SPEAK my interest and ask him out, then listen to his reasons if he turns me down.



I think I'll do that. In fact, there's a slight chance I might see him on Sunday or Monday, both days I am off work. I'll just ask him point blank to join me for lunch (and I'll cross my fingers that he says "yes!"

Thanks PDM for your very thorough and thoughtful response. Of all the advice I've gotten in various places, yours made the most sense! Most people either said "Oh yeah he definitely likes you" or "No, he's not interested," but you've been the only one to actually consider it might be somewhere in the middle! Thanks again for your time! If anything else pops into your head, I'm all ears!

Have a terrific weekend!



Thanks!
Billy

Hi Billy

Something else did pop into my head actually.

I know someone who I get on really well with.
Sometimes it's as if we are really good friends, and sometimes it feels as if we are just friendly acquaintances.

I don't know why some relationships are like this.

There could be many reasons.

Maybe if people are working on a project together, they have a lot in common & are involved, but when they are not, there is no reason to spend time together.

It may turn out to be like that for you and this man, so be prepared to discover that he may enjoy being around you and being friendly with you, but may not necessarily want anything more.

On the other hand, he may really like you and may just not be able to believe that he has been lucky enough to have found you and that you are attracted to him.

Good luck!

I'd considered that. I suppose it would have been hard for him to turn down my invitation without seeming rude, but the fact that he brings it up quite often leads me to believe that he does intend to follow through -- one of these days!



I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind. Whenever I seem to convince myself that he feels that way, something happens to make me think he just might like me. Actually, I don't doubt at all that he is fond of me and cares about my wellbeing, he's shown that in a hundred different ways, but as for having an attraction, I dunno. I have body image issues and that makes me tend to think that he couldn't possibly find me attractive. I guess all I can do is try to dazzle him with conversation if we EVER get around to having that lunch.

I was also thinking about what you said in your first reply, that he may have concerns and responsibilities that I am not aware of. Also, he may well have automatically counted me out of the dating game because of our ages.



That would be nice! I sometimes wonder if the times I've noticed him looking at me where him trying to figure me out, while he might not know I have feelings for him, he certainly has noticed that I seem to go out of my way to talk to him. A friend of mine suggested that he may have figured out my feelings, and is not interested, and therefore is trying not to encourage me.

I guess the only one who knows what's going on in his head is the man himself. I found out (accidently) that he and I will probably see each other this weekend (with our volunteer group) and I think I'll take just one more opportunity to suggest getting together. After that, I think it may be time to give up on this one. It's such a shame, because I think the two of us can learn a lot from each other.

All I really know, if I'm really being frank, is that when I remember his kind words to me, his hugs, him rubbing my shoulders, his kind gazes across the room, I get a little smile on my face. I think someone like him would be good for me, but I guess the decision really isn't in my hands.



Thank you, and thank you very kindly for the advice!

I hope that it helps

Thanks again for being so wonderful, PDM!

Our lunch has been morphed into coffee, at least he said "coffee" last time we spoke. I've done some checking and there is no rule against he and I dating, though it seems that it would be more appropriate for me to approach him than vice versa.

Something else has happened since I wrote my original post which has me more confused. I saw him (at our group) the other day and he seemed very pleased to see me, got a great hug out of it.

However, I asked him if we'd be getting together to discuss that album soon, and he said he was still listening to it, going through it and thinking about it, as it had been a long time since he had listened to it. I don't know how to take that, it could be perfectly genuine. He did say that he promises we will get together "soon." I don't know what else he has going on in his life, but nearly 2 months is quite a while to spend on one recording!

It's appearing that meeting with me is not a priority for him. Though, he might not have any idea how I feel about him. Or, perhaps he's simply written off getting involved because of our age difference. I have no idea what to think now. Maybe he just simply doesn't find me at all attractive.

It's quite obvious he cares for me, in a platonic way, but anything beyond that is still a mystery. I know he's single, so that's not the issue. We *might* be getting together next weekend for our discussion over coffee, but it's not definite.

I'm certainly not looking forward to waiting through yet another week.

Thanks for your advice, if you think of anything else, let me know!

Have a great day!
Billy

I agree with all of the points PDM has made. One other thing that occured to me is the following.

You would be the best person to access if he is indeed gay and is out. There are degrees of "Out".
From your accounts, I would say that he is definitely showing signs of interest and waiting for your response. If your response did not definitely show the "green" light then he may still be wondering about your interest as you have already discussed.

The next thing I would consider is the possibility that he may be living a double life. He may be out to his friends and others and not be out to his family and another set of people. He may also be in a relationship with someone who is not openly gay. I would try to find out more about his circumstances without looking like a stalker. If you cannot discerne anything else, then asking if he is in a relationship or dateing is a sure tip off that you are interested and that he needs to let you know where that aspect of his life stands.
If he is interested in you but is not "really" free to persue it, he will surely give you enough personal information to understand.

The tip off that he is interested is the shoulder massage. That is definitely a personal thing to do and says I am interested.

Thank you Joandboys!

I definitely thought the shoulder massage was a sign of interest. Since it was a party, and he wasn't there in his "official" capacity, he was much more open. I have asked around, and he is fully out and single.

Whenever I think about that massage, it really gets me confused as to why he's dragging his feet. I'm thinking of emailing him today (I've only emailed him once before, and that was to send him information he had asked for.) I'm not going to say "Wanna go out on a date?" in the email, as he seems the type that would be better to approach face-to-face, but I'm going to just reiterate my interest in meeting up with him soon.

I guess I'm worried about coming on too strong, as I don't want to scare him off from our friendly meeting. Perhaps he's not as aware of my feelings as I think he is.

Sometimes I think I should just get a t-shirt that says "Hey buddy! I'm interested in you!" LOL

I'm trying not to get too hung up on how long it's taking for us to have our discussion, but a little piece of me says he might be avoiding it, but then, he keeps bringing it up!

And, of course, there was that massage!

Thanks again for sharing your perspective. Once I get myself a bit more sorted I'll try to help others as well.

Thanks again,
Billy

You know, he might just be thinking all the same things that you are thinking ~ but in reverse, of course

Perhaps you could try giving him a massage!

PDM is right. Remember, you have only been answering his lead. Make one of your own that says your interested but perhaps doesn't leave you hanging out there too far. You could compliment his massage skills and tell him you could get used to that on a regular basis. I little suggestive, it says your interested but doesn't leave you open to a turn down like asking him out would. If he is interested he will persue the conversation, if not you have at least given him something to think about.

Do let us know how you get on

Nothing concrete still. I did have a nice LONG talk with him the other day, nothing romantic, but I sent him an email with the times I'm available. Not much else I can do.

It's quite obvious he cares for me...whether or not it's romantic caring no one knows but him.

Guess it's more waiting...

Thanks for all your support everyone!

Maybe he does just need some time to sort out his feelings.

Being patient may be hard, but if you want to be absolutely sure that he is absolutely sure of how he feels, then it may be the only way.

Good luck

I'm trying hard to be patient. I do worry that I overplayed my hand by forwarding my work schedule. I wasn't meaning to be pushy, just putting it out there.

I guess I just have to wait and see.

I don't know if I asked this before, but are you certain that he knows that you are gay?

The age thing could be worrying him.
I have to say, if my son (in his 20s) came home with a girlfriend in her 50s (as I am) I would be most concerned. That may not seem fair, but there would be numerous reasons.

Yeah, he knows I'm gay.

There may have been a development, but I'm not sure. I'll know in about a week and a half.

You've all been so kind!

I hope it goes well.

Well, I did it, I confessed my feelings.

It's a no...but, I think in that evening we strengthened our connection as friends. We were friends before, and I think we are closer friends now.

So, while I am disappointed, I am very happy to have him in my life as a friend. I admire him greatly, and after I told him how I felt, he made very sure that he explained his position, and that it doesn't change anything. We are still friends, good friends.

I'm concentrating on being grateful for that. It does hurt a little, but that is normal. Those feelings will fade, and I'm lucky to have such an amazing individual in my life. I definitely have room in my heart for another good friend.

Thank you all so much for your advice and for listening. It really, really helped.

Best of luck to you all, and I'll try to help out others here in any way I can.

Hi TooShy, I haven't commented on your posting before tonight but I have been reading and keeping my fingers crossed for you because we are sort of in the same boat except I haven't got the guts to ask him for a second time! lol. I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted them too but I think it's great that you are being positive about his role in your life and the situation. Don't give up I'm sure there is someone perfect for you out there!

I, too, am sorry that it didn't work out.

Sometimes it is difficult to read other people.

It's good that you can be friends, though.