Welcome to the forum Bossay
May I suggest that you have a look at another recent thread.
The story isn't identical to yours, but I see some similarities, and the feedback, there, may help you.
It's this one:
'I want him back'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/390322Some men like to be the centre of their partner's attention and find it very difficult to cope with being 'relegated' to a place below their children ~~ as they see it.
Of course, for women, dealing with young children can be exhausting, but many men do not see this, they simply feel that they are no longer loved enough ~ so they seek affection ~ validation, perhaps ~ elsewhere.
I cannot be sure, but I think that this may be what is happening with you:
... he said I wasn't there for him ...
.... we have 4 children ...
I see a couple of issues:
~ trust
~ rebuilding your romantic partnership
He needs to understand that, when you have four children, life is simply not going to be the same as it was, when you were a free young couple, without these responsibilities.
Do you discuss this with him?
He needs to feel part of the community that is your family ~ many men feel excluded. Maybe he is one of them.
Do you feel that you include him as much as he would like?
He needs to know that he is loved (You do love him???); despite the fact that you love your children & they need you.
Do you tell him that you love him?
Does he tell you that he loves you?
He may feel that he is simply a means to an end ~ your children. And, if he happens to be the breadwinner (is he?), your money to spend on those children.
Does he feel valued?
He needs to communicate his feelings & you need to show him that you love him ~ even if the childen do take up a lot of your time.
Provided that you really do love each other, and that you want this to work, then I would suggest that you regain the romance in your relationship by 'dating'.
Do you have a trusted friend or relative, who could babysit, while you go out together as a couple?
Perhaps even spend a weekend away? Or even just plan one? Obviously the health & safety of the children must be the priority, but is there room for 'a couple' in the middle of 'this family?'
From what you say, your husband hasn't had an affair, just sought some female attention ~ maybe even some friendship.
There is nothing wrong with men having female friends, or even finding other females attractive. This is normal, in my opinion, and, if that is all he has done, then maybe you really can trust him.
Perhaps he does it for attention, but lies because he fears your reaction, or worries about upsetting you.
Can you both discuss this, openly, without getting angry, upset, defensive, etc?
I'm guessing that it would be hard ~ emotions could get in the way ~ but it may be worth it.
Maybe you could benefit, here, from the help of a counsellor?
Maybe he just needs some signs of affection from you ~ some reassurance that you notice him, love him, appreciate him, find him attractive, etc.
Too often romance disappears when children come along ~ but you might both benefit from bringing a little bit of it back into your marriage.
Communication between men & women can often be misread or misunderstood. I really recommend the 'Venus & Mars' books by John Gray, to help in this area. There is some useful info on his website too:
http://home.marsvenus.com/To turn to you, now.
Does he tell you that he loves you?
Does he show you that he values you as his partner?
~ as the mother of his children?
~ as his friend & companion?
Try to remember what drew you together in the first place.
Was it loving and trusting then?
How long have you been together?
How old are you both?
How old are the children?
Are they all his children?
Do you have a family network of support around you?
Has he done anything else to cause you to mistrust him?
Does he trust you?
Do you both want this marriage to work?
The answers could be relevant.
Good luck!
