RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up I Want him back

You feel you have personal issues that you recognize you need to work on like self confidence and it is always good to try to improve the way we approach life and personal relationships. This should be something you do for yourself. It shouldn't be something you do as a way to better yourself so that you will be acceptable to him. I don't know if he made you feel that you were lacking self confidence or you came to that conclusion yourself. We all go through issues like this. You wouldn't be the first person who cared so much about someone that you were constantly self assessing and afraid of loosing them. A lot of very loving people with big hearts get hurt and it is hard to rebound and have confidence in yourself after that. I have to tell you that there is someone out there who can look past that insecurity and see into your soul and let you know how beautiful you are. That person will instill such confidence in you that you will see yourself through their eyes. They will love you for yourself. It won't be difficult to arrange his schedule to see you. Your self confidence issues won't be "just too hard to deal with". I think you shared genuine feeling with your friend, but if it has all become to hard, as you put it, he does not have the same feelings about the relationship as you do. It is possible in his effort to return the relationship to a not so demanding one that he has told you reasons that have made you feel responsible for it failing. It wasn't you.....It just was not the right chemistry for a truly fullfilling relationship on both sides. It is hard to see that he would never be able to make you totally happy because you love him. But love is not the be all and end all of a relationship. When you truly find that someone that will accept you for who you are and love you flaws and all and still want to make you happy and will go to the ends of the earth to see that you are, you will know what I mean. I am sure that your friend cares for you as a friend or he would not be talking with you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you were only better or more confident or less fault finding of yourself that somehow things would return to the way they were. The truth is, you are just fine. If he was the one and only true love of your life, things would already be the way they were. Concentrate on accepting yourself and your confidence will take care of itself. Concentrate on finding someone who will also accept you as you are and your heart will be taken care of also. The subject line of your post was "I want him back". If you really think about it what you probably want most is the adoration you felt when love was new. That feeling was total acceptance. Have faith, you will know it again.

Right now I know there is no way he'll be back. The biggest problem is that I feel like it's totally my fault we split (even though he ended it). I also feel like caring about him at all was a mistake that I have to forgive myself for (even though he says it's not a mistake), like letting him in was a mistake, etc.

In all honestly, I don't think I can ever care that much about someone else I don't think someone else can care that much about me. I also have no clue how the unlucky guy who would be willing to settle for me will ever find me. I pretty much go to work & then go home & get online. I used to also watch TV, but I temporarily have roomates who have total rights to the TV while they are here, but that's a whole separate issue that will be moot in about 2 weeks, so nothing I can't live with until then.

I feel like I have more to say, but not sure how to word it I guess so I'll end this here for now. Feel free to comment, offer advice, etc.

It is perfectly normal to feel rejected and unworthy especially when someone walks out on you. If he had made you angry enough to be the one to walk away, you would not be as sad as you are right now. Just remember it will pass. When you loose a loved one, it is a lot like a death. You have to allow yourself to go through the phases of loss. It might help to sit down and make a list of all of your good qualities and traits. Add to it where you want to be in six months emotionally, financially, and career wise. The power of positive thinking can sometimes work wonders. Try to treat yourself as if you are your own best friend because you are. Sit down every morning and read the list and read it again at lunch. Sit down again and read it every evening. I once had a friend that changed his life totally because he kept his goals continually before his mind this way. When unhappiness seems overwhelming, we have a tendency to let it color our whole outlook. It always helps to put things in perspective. I can suggest something that might help you look at your life with much more positive emotions. I once did this when I thought my life was falling apart and my outlook changed totally in the span of 20 minutes. Find a hospital near you that specializes in treating cancer patients of all ages and go there for a visit. Walk in the front door and take any elevator to the top floor without getting off. Press the down button and ride it back down and leave.Take care.

In an earlier post you said: 'Part of why he left is because I've been talking the blame for everything & honestly believing that everything is my fault & feeling inferior to everybody'.
Now you are saying:'I feel like it's totally my fault we split (even though he ended it). I also feel like caring about him at all was a mistake.'
So, in spite of the active work, little seems to have changed in this area.
And this needs to be addressed. Otherwise you will keep thinking that only an 'unlucky guy .. would be willing to settle for me'.

You said: 'I've been taking the blame for everything & honestly believing that everything is my fault & feeling inferior to everybody for about 20 years now, & I'm in my 20s'

And this has to be dealt with ~ and it's likely to be painful. It's probably something where you will need the support of someone you really trust ~ either a therapist or a reliable friend / family member or both.

If this goes back 20 years and you are still in your twentys, then it strikes me that something happened when you were a child to make you feel that you had to take the blame; that things were your fault.

Children feel like this for a whole host of reason:

They may take the blame to protect someone else.
They may find it hard to make friends, so think that there is something wrong with them.
They are bullied by other kids, so think that they must have done something to deserve it.
They are slapped or scolded by adults, so think that they must have done something to deserve it.
They are sexually abused, so feel shame & guilt.
Their parents split up, so they think they must have caused the problems.
They are told by someone that they are naughty / bad / wicked / wrong ~ and believe it.
Someone else ~ eg friend or sibling ~ is praised more than them, so they feel inferior.
Doing right & wrong is made to be such a big thing that their conscience becomes overworked and they develop a guilt complex ~ this can be caused by religion or by a strict family upbringing.

Children think differently from adults. The world is a bit of a scary mystery to them. And they are usually under the control of other people ~ older kids & adults, usually. Adults should have a better understanding of the world and can be ~ sadly not always ~ freer to be themselves.

In your case, your inner child is grasping you and pulling you back to the fears and other negative feelings of a child. You need to take her by the hand and guide her out of whatever nightmare she is sucking you into. As an adult you can help the childhood you to deal with this ~ but you may need professional help.

One thing though, you need to start believing, straight away, that whatever these negative feelings are, they belong to your childhood, and nothing that you did before the age of 10 can possibly have been so bad that you were ever truly blameworthy. Anything that may have been your fault back then should not be affecting you now. You were a child then; you are now an adult, and you come over as a pleasant person.

You miss this chap; you feel rejected and guilty, so you will feel down, but if you could deal with these negative emotions of guilt, things would improve.

As I said, I've had problems with 'the guilt complex'. I haven't been a bad person, but of course I am not perfect. I have said & done & thought things that I shouldn't have. Now I think over everything I have said and done, just in case I've said or done something I should be feeling guilty about. I have got over the worst of my 'thing', but it won't go away completely. Meeting my husband, at 18, helped me to get things into proportion; and a one-time RC student at university helped me realise that Roman Catholicism heaps loads of guilt onto the shoulders of its children.

Seeing things objectively, as an adult, can help ~ but it can be difficult. The results are worth it, though!

Good luck!

PS
I should add, to show how things can affect kids, what it was that affected me.

I am two & a half years older than my brother.
When we were little children, I was very protective of him ~ to the extent that I felt that if anything bad ever happened to him, it would be my fault.

Of course, as kids we fought & argued. This upset my Mum, because it reminded her of her one and only minor childhood argument with her sister, and how guilty she had felt about it when her sister died, not too long afterwards.

So, I blamed myself for something that might one day happen, and I carried my mother's guilt over an argument that she had had with her sister, and which was transplanted onto arguments I later had with my brother.

My Mum was a child at the time; I was a child at the time ~ but we both carried our worries into adulthood. And I still think that the 'perfection' often expected by the RC church didn't help (not that they expect perfection from their priests and nuns, etc.)

Sometimes a word that seems of little consequence to an adult will take on a huge amount of significance to a child.

Ask him if he wants you back and if he says that he does then tell him to meet you at a very special and nice restaurant

I'm not sure how that would help with such a complex matter ~ but welcome to the forum.

I totally agree with PDM. I would only offer one more thing. What PDM is suggesting will reverse the circle. that you have been caught up in. Yes he broke up with you. Maybe it was because of always taking the blame and feeling wrong. If you now feel guilty and wrong then you will go on to have more feelings of low self esteem and be feeling as if you will do something wrong again. You will keep repeating the same actions because of how badly the actions make you feel. If you take PDM's advice, it will help you to stop the chain of actions that cause the feelings that cause the actions. You will be able to see that things do not always have to be your fault. I also think that a professional might find that your suffering from anxiety. Anxiety can cause a person to obscess on their actions and analize them and scrutinize them and constantly be anxious about what they are doing or not doing right. Do you do any repetitive actions? Do you also check things that you know are ok, just to make sure? Do you have to have things arranged just a certain way in your home? Do you worry that you have forgotten to turn off stoves or other things and have to return to your house to make sure that it is ok? Do you go over conversations in your head, again and again, unsure that you said something that was embarrassing. I am only asking because these are some signs of anxiety and obsessive compulsive behavior that sometimes makes a person feel wrong and guilty. I speak from personal experience as I went through this myself.

Yes ~ that certainly rings bells with me, too!

Look Sep if I were you I would try to move on even if you dont want to, by what I hear it sounds like you broke up and he dosnt like you because if he did he would be with you. And the girl that is living in his house or room. Since she got in the picture I would be worried that he may like her or something.

Sandiesloved.

Sep780 may indeed need to move on, but I don't think that you can simply assume that you know whether or not her ex likes her. This is a very complex and serious situation.

Sep780 has explained the housemate ~ who may just be showing concern for her friend, because she recognises that sep780 needs to get herself emotionally sorted out before she is ready for a serious relationship.

(Yes sep780 ~ that's something I thought might be possible.)


Destiny & SandiesLoved.

When something this complicated and important is going on in someone's life, the comments that you post need to be very well thought out, after having read all the information and fully understanding the situation.

I have already received a private message from someone else, who needed serious advice in a complicated situation, and who became very upset at a rather shallow response from someone probably too young to be experienced enough to be really helpful.

Please, everyone, when it comes to important emotional issues, do give your posts a lot of thought before adding them.

Thank you.