You have done the right thing in documenting the contact with you. You are correct about not haveing a choice because there is a no contact order and you are on probation. It does not matter if she lifted the order now though. The court has taken that decision out of her hands. Of course she very well knows the conditions of your sentencing. She may very well wish that you would contact her. Her reasons may be sincere or they may be aimed at getting you in trouble. You are very wise considering the past incidence of sending two friends to threaten you. It can be very painful to give up on a relationship when you have invested time and feeling. Even though it has become toxic as you say, the tendency is to look back on fights as mutual mistakes where passions ran amuck. We tend to feel that if there is emotion even if it is negative that the relationship is worth saving. I am bothered by some of the things that happened though. Her statement that "no man is going to hit me" leads me to think that she has old baggage. A relationship either with her father or an old love where there was violence. If she has been exposed to domestic violence before it is probably why she is so easily out of control. You also mention drinking and I would bet that your fights have been after partying and alcohol was involved. Thirdly, you don't admit it but you seem like a person of moral values that is not proud that you lost your control. Could it be that you were also drinking? Last but not least you are obviously depressed about your actions and this level of depression makes me think that you would not have lost control unless you were both drinking and things got out of control. These kinds of arguments often accompany a life style where the social structure is meeting friends at the local gathering spot. You mention that this is a isolated area and there is one place that every one goes to. You obviously live in a small rural commuity where everyone knows every thing that is going on. This is only adding to your isolation and lonliness. There probably isn't much else to do. You have also mentioned that you have children, so you must have been married before and when you got into an argument there may have been some baggage of your own that came to the fore of your memory. You did not mention what was said to push your button and make you loose control. Obviously she knows it is a sensitive issue and was a good weapon.
If you were to wish something for yourself, it would probably be to be where your children are. You obviously miss them, much more that you miss this woman. I think you want someone to love you and you have a kind heart and a lot of love to give. Unfortunately this charge is hanging over your head and you may not be able to leave the county where your probation is. If I were to just tell you what I think will take the pain away, it would be to say. Take all of the good advice to run don't walk away from this woman. Start by asking if your probation can be transferred to where your children are. Second, start searching for a new job of any kind or speak to your company about an exception in your case. Let them know that you will do anything it takes to accomplish a transfer. Tell them that you need to be near your children if need be, however they probably already know the truth. If they won't co-operate then perhaps another job is the answer. In the long run you will be in a better place for your heart and head if you move near your children. I would consider counseling to understand why you grabbed her. It is not enough to be sorry, if you have a problem either with control or alcohol. Do it for yourself and your children. Whatever you do, I would also take a long look at your ladyfriends history. I believe you will find that she indeed has domestic violence and alcohol abuse in her life. At the very least, she has sought to physically hurt you on several occassions. That is not love or anything akin to it. That is definitely not mother material. In time, with the help and love of your children you will heal and find someone to care for.
