RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up confusion

hey guys im kinda new here. id really appreciate any help you can give me. here goes.

I was with the love of my life for 3 years, for quite a while i had depression and would snap, but always be apologetic, she would reach out to try and help me and i wouldnt accept, i wasnt very nice. for msot of the relationship we were happy untill i got depression that is. she has now been at university for nearly 3 months, last month she told me that we couldnt work due to her work load and she said she loved me as a friend. it hit me hard. Right now here parents are going through a separation and that with the stress of university and not being home must be overbearing.

I love this girl very much and would do practically anything to get her back. please give some advice? many thanks

Hello Michael & welcome.

My friend's husband has suffered with depression, and, as a result, she has suffered as much as he has.

I have suffered with depression and I know how awful it was for my husband at the time.

It is incredibly difficult for partners to deal with, partly because depression is something that cannot be imagined, if one has never had it.

It's inside ~ somewhere the partner cannot go to help, or to share in the pain.

In this case, she tried, but you pushed her away. Do you know why you may have acted this way?

Many partners leave their once loved ones because they can no longer cope with their problems ~ and it isn't always depression.
Of course, this doesn't help the sufferer!

If she has work & exams and family problems, etc, then dealing with your rejection might be the last straw. Maybe all she can cope with just now is friendship.

Are you having counselling?
What are you doing about your depression?
What have you said to her about pushing her away?

Maybe you could write to her, to apologise and to tell her that you understand her reaction, but that, one day, when you have both sorted your problems out, you hope that you may be able to go back to the way it was.

Good luck:)

Hi and many thanks for your help. I'm ashamed to admit it but i pushed her away because i knew I could get away with it, this makes me seem like quite a nasty person but this isnt the case, it wasthe state of mind i was in, i realise she did not deserve this. I apologised for what i did and acknowledged her feelings about it. My depression actually ceased around 3 months ago and im really glad about that. m only worry is that now ive got back to my old self too late and that ive lost my chance, i seen her at the weekend and we got along fine however when we talked about the relationship she said she loves me as a friend, that having a relationship with her work load is too stressful, that she hopes we can rekindle after university (this is a several year course) and also that she wants to try things as friends and see how they go ( i think she said this to make me stop asking though) she said that she missed me but she doesnt know if she has any "relationship feelings". I am extremely grateful for this help and really hope that i can fix this situation. its quite confusing because a week before she went to uni she told her friends she only had eyes for me but a month later she left me, and a few weeks prior she was getting more and more angry and stressed. I don't know if this problem is me or university. sorry for the big list, theres a lot on my mind. Thank you again

Yes, depression can have terrible effects.
It's great that you have now come through it & that you apologised!

All that you can do at present is accept this, or reject it.
Being friends for now, with the possibility of something more in the future, is all she feels she can offer. Can you accept this for now?
If you cannot accept this, then you may have to end the relationship altogether, which would be very sad, I'm sure you will agree.

Try to be patient.
That's all you can do.
She was patient with you for some time.

Give her a chance to forgive you, for rejecting her when you had problems.
Give her a chance to sort out her own problems, without adding to her emotional worries.

Good luck!

many thanks for your reply, you speak a lot of sense. My main concern is that if i be her friend she will only see me as a friend forever. I don't want her attraction or other feelings for me to die away if that makes sense. I know I need to be patient but is there anything I could do to help her but not remain as a friend forever so to speak? sorry if i'm unclear i find it hard to explain what I mean. If it helps i remember her sayign that her friends had fun with their boyfriends but she didn't have fun, maybe I could take her out for a few fun days out?

What PDM says is very true. She sounds like she does not want to close the door completely and wants to take the pressure off of the relationship so that she can enjoy your company and start with the basics. It also sounds like she had a little quiet time when she went off to school and realized the stress that was in your relationship and was able to compare it to others. She is probably also seeing her parents relationship crumble and wants to make sure she is not making some of the same mistakes herself.

To answer your question, I think you could write her a letter telling her that you understand and express your hopes that being friends and enjoying each other's company will show her that your relationship is worth persueing more seriously later as she has suggested. Let her know that you are concerned that she will only view you as friend material and that you fear you have damaged your relationship beyond repair but are "Willing to respect her wishes because you care about her deeply" Being honest and direct is always the best approach. Let her know that you do not want to put any pressure or stress on her and suggest that you would like to see her as friends to show her that you both can have fun and enjoy each other's company "If she agrees". That is all you can do, and if she wants a complete break for a while, I agree with PDM. She has been patient with you and deserves patients.

i really like the suggestion of writing a letter to her. I will try to make it heartfelt without making me look desperate. the last time I talked to her she wasn't happy so I havnt called since. I'm going to give her some space and see if she calls me. is this an approprate thing to do. again thank you so much for the kind advice I am extremely grateful:)

Jo's advice is very good, I think.
Letters can be very helpful.
They can say everything, clearly, without being intrusive.
Sadly, letter-writing is a dying art, but if you are honest & clear with her, she should appreciate that, and understand.

I hope so!
Good luck!

sorry im back for more help. I havent heard from her since sunday (when i called and she got angry for nothing) but shes been messaging someone that used to like her and talking to other guys, i dont know how to feel. It's killing all the hope i have of getting back together with her

Hello Michael.

As far as I can see, all you can do is be patient and assure her that:
~ you care
~ you are sorry for your behaviour, which was caused by your illness
~ you are better and you don't want it to happen again
~ you will do whatever it takes to make her happy
~ you understand and respect her need for her own space at present
~ you hope to be back with her one day
~ you know that things may never be the same as they once were

You call her the love of your life and you describe her as a caring person, who reached out to you in your time of need.
Hopefully, this means that your love can be rekindled, but I think that you may need to accept that the relationship could be over.

Maybe friendship is still an option.

But the relationship, as it was, may be over, so you may need to come to terms with that & allow yourself to grieve.

Did you send the letter?
Did you point out how you felt, while respecting her need for space and time?

Just be patient for a while and see what happens.

Good luck!