RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? Heart on the line and so confused

This year i met an amazing guy and from the moment we met it was electric between us, instant attraction to each other, the whole shebang! Things were complicated because he had a girlfriend and over the last 6 months we have been together and both have very strong feelings for one another which he has confirmed to me. So what i dont understand is how he can say he cares so much for me and wants to be with me but wont leave her for me. Its been hurting us both and i don't know what to do. Its clear he feels the same way but i think he's just scared of hurting her. what do i have to do to make him do the right thing. Our connections is too strong to let it slip away and he knows that but he wont make the choice. please help!!

Hi Satine ~ welcome


This sounds as if it could be a good beginning to a relationship, or, alternatively, to have the potential for an exciting 'fling'.

You say that you are together ~ but he and his girlfriend are together too.
Are you saying that you are in love with each other and that both of you have expressed those feelings to each other?
Does he tell his girlfriend that he loves her, too?

It's hurting you ~ and I'm guessing it would hurt her ~ but is it really hurting him?
This is his choice; his decision.
He is cheating on his girlfriend ~ has been, over a period of 6 months ~ and you are helping him to do so.
You have the electricity, what does she have?
If he is still with her, she must still have a part of him, presumably?
What kind of relationship do they have?
If he were ignoring her completely, then that relationship would have fizzled out, I would have thought, so something is still going on between them that constitutes a relationship.

Are you happy to share him?
Is it right to treat the other girl like this?
Is it right for him to expect you to go along with this?


It's clear to you that he feels the same way, yet he must still be involved in some romantic aspects of his relationship with his girlfriend ~ otherwise she wouldn't still be his girlfriend.
This man has two girls. Perhaps he likes it that way.

He doesn't want to hurt her?
What you are both doing now is hurting her ~ she just doesn't know it yet.
What about when she finds out?

Do his friends know what is going on?
Could his girlfriend find out? ~ I'm guessing that she could.
He has to act.
It is up to him.
I know that people have long-term affairs, but, personally, I feel that he has to choose between you.
Are you going to continue like this?
What are you going to do?
You could give him an ultimatum.
I know that this will be hard for you, in case he chooses to stay with the other girl, but it would be the right thing to do for the other girl's sake ~ and I think that it would be the right thing for you, too ~ but only you can decide that.

Good luck!

thanks so much for the reply, its great to get an outside opinion on this romantic saga. you asked allot of questions so i'll start answering them for you!
we have both expressed our feelings to one another, and he said to me when this all started that he "needed to know that i wasn't playing him" which of course i'm not and he promised me he wasn't either. Its all been such an emotional roller coaster for me. I love him very much and our connection is undeniable.
I'm almost certain his brother knows about it, but he is a very private person when it comes to relationships.I have two friends who are his friends too who know aswell.
His problem is he is worried what people will think of him.
I hate this situation so much and would never have persued anything with him had he not expressed genuine feelings towards me. but at the moment i'm left feeling rather used and played which is awful. I don't want to share, and i am not an affair type of girl at all. so this has all been a stressfull situation.
I know in my heart i can't continue like this anymore but i'm scared about the ultimatum. if he chooses her does that mean there will never be a time for us? does that mean i never meant anything to him?
the other problem which hurts me is that if he does choose to stay with her i dont think he will ever tell her about me or about us....i'm so confused.
but i think you're right. he has to make the choice and he keeps avoiding it, but how do i do it in a non-aggressive way without him thinking i'm attacking him?

thanks so much

He certainly can have feelings for you both. It is possible to love two individuals at the same time but in different ways. He probably wasn't planning on getting involved with you but it happened and it sounds like he wanted to make sure you were genuine. He has had time to find that out about you and vice versa. It is not just him that is failing to make a decision. You are also hesitating because you fear loosing him.
If he chooses to stay with the other girl then actually you never had him. Presently, you both sound like you are violateing your own personal codes of conduct. This will only lead to disrespect for yourselves. It will also become easier as time goes on to vindicate the cheating and will become a source of mistrust between the two of you. By this I mean, that if you stay together whether the other woman is in the picture or not, you will begin to wonder if you both could cheat on one another as you are now. Frankly, it is a bad precidence to set, as it can become something that is easier to do each subsequent time. Beware straining your moral bounds.

To answer your question, the only way he is going to decide is for you to tell him that your conscience is bothering you about how the two are conducting yourselves. Explain, that you care deeply but that you cannot continue to sneak around and cheat with him any more. Tell him that you have too much respect for him and yourself to put the two of you in this situation. You can explain that you are ready and willing to make a committment the moment he is a free and single man but until then you are going to make the decision to stop seeing him.

This is the only way you will ever know if he really wants you and only you. It is also the only way you will prevent yourself from creating a cheating partner as you go into the future, whatever it holds.

I'll second all that Jo.

Hello Satine. Please... forgive me if I may come off as rude, blunt, or crass, I want you to see this from my perspective.

Now... I'm a guy, and I have to tell you a secret...

Guys are stupid.

We do things that we do not understand. We're vulgar but reserved, we're sweet but we can be cruel, but more than anything... a guy is his own worst enemy.

I agree with Jo when she says that it is possible that he has strong feelings for both you and for his girlfriend. This is actually... common for my kind. However, some guys will act on this feeling, and some will not. There are generally three possible reasons as to his actions.

1) Complacency: A guy has the capacity to do some really dumb things as long as he is comfortable. It could be that he is used to his girlfriend, and any change could be potentially harmful to him. Guys can be very greedy, to us (myself included...) we come first, and the world follows.

2) Love: It is possible that though he has strong feelings for you, but that his feelings for his girlfriend are stronger.

3) Fear: Now... a guy can climb the highest mountain... jump from a plane over a mile above the ground... run into a burning building to save a life... but a guy will NEVER present his true feelings. Why? Because (and I know I will get a LOT of flak from guys on this forum...) we are generally afraid of putting ourselves on the line for someone to see our weaknesses. He could be afraid to hurt his girlfriend, afraid to hurt you, or afraid to hurt himself. Don't believe me? Ask a guy friend this question...

"What are you thinking about?"

Automatically... what is he going to say?

"Nothing."

Why? Because he's afraid of sharing what's running through his mind. It's our largest and greatest fear to let a woman into our soul. Not our lives... not our emotions... but our soul. The very thing that defines a guy is his soul, and he would rather battle the world than give that up.

I agree with PDM that you have the electricity. You're something new, maybe strange and interesting to him, hence why you have the power that you do. However, you need to figure a few things out.

1) As PDM said, can you really fathom being the "other woman?" In all honesty, this guy has NO idea what he wants. He has two women, but cannot make up his mind. He WILL end up hurting one or both of you, this WILL happen.

2) Are you willing to accept that the only way to find the truth is not to wait, but to take the action? Yes it is his decision to choose you, but if your feelings are as strong as you say? Are you ready to fight for him, or contrary, walk away if need be?

I'll be honest... your situation is very sensitive, this triangle is deadly. Again, being honest... you have to ask yourself this single question.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth putting yourself in way of incoming fire for a guy who's been indecisive for the past six months? Is it worth your feelings, your time, your effort, and your name to wait for an indecisive guy? You know him better probably than anyone, but can you answer that question?

My advice to you is... If nothing is ventured, nothing is gained.

If he is what you want, go for it. Give him that ultimatum. Show him that you are something good, that you're not a fling, and not "the other woman" but most of all... that you're NOT going to wait for him.

You must also keep in mind, that if he could do this to someone he loves (his current girlfriend) than what is to stop him, if you two eventually got together, from doing it to you? Something along the lines of what jo said..I think.

Is it worth that emotional ride and possible mistrust?

That's a bit harsh. I think
Men are men.

They are not all the same ~ but you are right that their minds are are certainly not like women's minds.

I think that your male viewpoint could be very helpful here.

Haha PDM you're being nice. You know men are generally dumb especially when we fall in love.

To add on to what I had said previously and to agree with the others; Satine, you must consider what birdgirly said. The chance is always there.

Good luck again.

Just a few comments from my perspective. I won't pretend to speak for all males or to say what "their" viewpoint is - mainly because I have always objected strenuously to the usual gender stereotypes. Yes, there are differences as you say, PDM, and to communicate one should not take meanings for granted. Yet, neither the male nor the female thinking is stupid.

What can be tragic is to not communicate.

I have met women where the elctricity was sizzling my meters, and yet the timing was not right, or I was not free, or other compatibility factors were not there.

Could this become love if pursued? Perhaps so, but both would need to pursue it. IMO to pursue the "electricity" in hope and faith that he will want to commit to loving you would be dangerous.

It could well be that all three of you get hurt.

There will be electricity with others. And respect. And a giving, caring kind of love that commits only to you.

What would be tragic is if you are tied up in this emotional roller coaster, and miss the main event!