RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating She Cheated

Here's my story:
My girlfriend of 2 years recently cheated on me. She hid it for about a month. Her friend came to me and told me everything she knew that had happened. Bottom line was that she had slept with a guy she was with before me. I talked to her about it. We had many long discussions and we are trying to work through it. She said the reason it happened was intoxicated and because she shortly lost her attraction to me because of constant fighting because of stress and yes, I do admit I wasn't the greatest boyfriend in the world.

Since we have talked about it, things have been much better between us. She seems to be much more devoted and has mentioned on many occasions how she can't wait until we live together and are on our own. She has also talked about kids.

My problem lies here: I read an email today that she had got from the guy she slept with. In the email he mentioned that he was sorry he couldn't make it to lunch with her and he would have loved to see her. This guy recently went into the Navy so he isn't around much. My problem is that she never mentioned she was going to go to lunch with him and she has even told me that she has stopped talking to him. What should I do? Do I confront her about this?

My first impression was this: people make mistakes. As most people know, I used to be in an abusive relationship, and even after I was out of the relationship, I cheated on my boyfriend with the guy a couple times. Half was rape and manipulation, but it was my fault for putting myself in the situation...

How was her relationship with this guy before you? I most certainly understand your dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been there, but since nothing has happened since, things have gotten to be wonderful between us. Did you read her e-mail intentionally? Or was it just on the screen? You said she hid what she did for a month, do you think she would have told you had it not been of her friend?

Sorry for all the questions, but maybe I can be more help with some answers [:

I fully took it as a mistake after we talked about it. I have been telling myself she made a mistake and she says she won't do it ever again, so I need to trust her.

And I don't mind all of the extra questions at all. There wasn't really a relationship with this guy. She says they were "together" and would sleep together and hang out, but he had other girls on the side, which she knew about. I went into her email to actually check on something else, but seen an email from him so it peaked my interest. I know it was bad of me, but I am still in the "gaining trust back" stage. If her friend hadn't told me, I honestly don't know if she would have. She said she was afraid to tell me in the first place because she didn't want to lose me and she wouldn't know what to do without me. She continues to tell me that she wouldn't know what to do without me, which makes me wonder why she would still talk to him behind my back knowing how I feel about it.

This is where it gets tricky. My ex (the abusive guy) used to cheat on me too. Granted, it was a high school relationship, but his actions were past the high school point, if you get my meaning. He would lie about cheating, and only come clean if I found out from someone else. It progressively got worse over the years.

I don't want to say, break up with her, or set an ultimatum like "if you don't stop talking to him then we are through". But I understand your distress completely. I know it is hard to trust someone that you fear is being dishonest with you..

Perhaps you should ask her if she has been talking to him, and ask her to be honest. If she tries to lie, I think you have your answer about what to do. Is the date on the e-mail recent? Maybe it is hard for her to cut ties with him for some reason and it COULD be harmless, but I would not want my ex to talk to the girls he cheated on me with, he would, and it hurt, and I could never trust him..or them. It led to destructive social behaviors. It led to me distrusting almost anyone that was not my friend, and sometimes even my friends. Granted, he cheated with A LOT of people, so it was a bit different. I think you should talk to her. Maybe not immediately confront her about the e-mail. I believe it will make her angry that you snooped in her e-mail.

Also, the fact that you felt the need to snoop is bad. I know the feeling, but you can never truly be happy if you always have to wonder if she is being honest with you. It would be different if it were a thing that happened a while ago, and she dropped it. My ex tries to talk to me ALL the time, it drives me nuts, but I always tell him that it's not fair to me or my current boyfriend that we talk. You should tell her that it hurts you that she feels she has to lie to you. Tell her that it also hurts you that you have to wonder if she is being honest, and that you don't want to be hurt again..

I think I'm rambling. Basically, try and talk to her and maybe see where things are going. My ex and I dated for close to 3 years, so it is possible to let go of a liar (if she really is one) and find someone that will treat you fairly and honestly.

Thank you for all of the advice birdygirly. I love her with all of my heart and she says she loves me the same. The email was sent yesterday so it is recent. When I see her tonight I will ask her about talking to this guy. If she lies, I will tell her I read the email. She fully gave me her password knowing that I can see anything sent to her. And I have told her I don't want to feel that I have to snoop around and be afraid to trust her. I feel we might be having another long talk tonight. I don't want to let her go, but if I have to then it'll be another step to take.

See, my ex did that stuff too..weird.

A long talk is a good thing. Be honest with her, and ask her to do the same for you. You deserve to not live in wonder, and she should be able to do that for you.

Let me know how it all works out for you good luck!

Welcome DammagedEddie

Is it possible that she was arranging to see him, in order to put him straight about the situation ~ ie that it is over between them ~ and wanted to do it in person??

PDM and Birdy, To give you guys an update on the situation, I talked to her about the email and she said she was leading him on and never had any intention on meeting up with him.

I also asked her about the cheating again and she said it was kind of a situation of she was wondering what coulda been with him and after it happened she realized she was stupid and I am a much better person than him.

Thanks for the help!

I hope that everything works out well.