Hi whereislove, I know where you are coming from, I think.
I am an ordinary English-woman, in my 50s, brought up by parents who believed that a person has only one partner and not until married. Sex was not discussed.
I agreed with their standards, and adopted them, yet I think that the rigid ideas of right & wrong that I developed were not particularly good for me. They caused me stress.
I have had one partner and am perfectly happy about that, but I do not condemn those who think and behave differently. I would have done, when I was younger. My ideas of right & wrong, in this area, used to be very black & white.
Yet I did not condemn teenage friends and relatives, who had babies out of wedlock ~ and neither did my parents. Feelings are quite complex.
I think that there
are moral questions, but I cannot assume that I have the answers. There are also concerns re physical & emotional health, of course, and unwanted pregnancy, and, also, how society and family, etc, will respond.
In your case, you have had the strict moral upbringing and the lack of openness about sex. You grew up believing that sex was for your one-and-only; the person you would marry. You found him ~ or thought that you did. He let you down. So now you cannot keep your virginity for the man you marry. It is too late for that. You now have to re-evaluate, and I think that you are finding this difficult.
When you met your new man, you hoped, once again, that he would be your Mr Right.
But you don't know.
You don't know if he will let you down.
You don't know if he will marry you.
You don't know if he will cheat on you.
How far do you trust him?
Has the behaviour of your first boyfriend left you unable to trust?
You liked this new man, and found him attractive, and he seemed attracted to you ~ and you had already lost your virginity, so you made love with him. (I take it that he
is the second man you had sex with??)
The thing is, sex can result from both love and lust.
I'm guessing that your insecurities about falling in love, and being loved, have made you wonder whether it was love or lust.
Do you think that he co-erced you into having sex?
Were you happy about it at the time?
Did you think that he loved you?
Do you now think that he may love you?
I think that you still want to retain sex for your one-and-only, but you don't know if this man is going to be him. Is that how you feel?
Perhaps you want to
make love, because you are both
in love; not 'have sex' because you both feel lust.
At least that is how I read it.
And maybe you are concerned that this pattern will keep repeating itself???
Do you
really want a relationship with
this particular man, because you are attracted to him?
Or do you just want him because you had sex with him, and you do not want to increase your number of sexual partners?
If you really care for him, then I think that you shoud get back to him as BLR suggested. I think that feeling 'passion, lust, fire' may have brought you to the point where you slept with him, but do you feel real affection, as well?
Do you think that you could love him and be with him forever?
Do you think that you are in love with him now?
Do you still want sex, love, togetherness & commitment ~ forever?
Do you want to go back to this man, be in love with him, be sure that he loves you and either marry him, or be in a long-term committed relationship with him?
Has he said anything to suggest what he wants ~ other than that men want sex?
Or do you want to change?
Do you want to feel free to experiement with different relationships, before you settle down & marry?
Think about what you want and what you can offer.
You can tell him that you want to start again, but that you want to take it slowly, this time, because you want sex to go with love, rather than with lust, and that you are hoping for a genuine long-term relationship, based on affection and love.
You can tell him that this is the real you.
If he wants the real you, then that will be good and he may want to try again.
If he does not want the real you, well ... he is not for you.
But think about whether you want the real him, too.
Alternatively, you may decide that the morals and standards of keeping sex for a long-term relationship are no longer for you.
If this is the case, you may want to talk to a counsellor about this.
If you are considering having a sexual relationship with this man again, without being sure that he loves you, or that you love him, then you must face the possibilty that it may not last.
You need to face this possibility.
You must learn to acknowledge the truth of each situation.
You must tell him the truth, too.
And he must tell you the truth.
If he loved you, accepted you and respected you, he would accept that you want to be in a committed loving relationship before having sex.
Too many women ~ and men ~ have sex because they feel that they have to ~ perhaps in repayment of being taken out, or because their friends do it, or because
you did it before so why not now?, etc, etc.
Sex is very personal and should be very special.
No-one should feel forced into having sex, but no-one should feel teased, either.
Maybe he feels that you were teasing him.
Be truthful with him. Maybe you found this difficult because you were not sure about your truth.
Perhaps now you examined your feelings more, you can be more clear & honest with him.
Take care