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Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! #390383 11/27/09 09:30 PM
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Sakura Shinigami Offline OP
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Hi everyone. Yes, it's me, Sakura, otherwise known as "Raven" and "Ashes". For those of you who don't know me, I'm 16yrs old.

OK, first thing's first. My boyfriend and I have "officially" been going out since October 24th, but we've been "together", in our own sense, since about May/nearing June.

He turned 19 on November 3rd and is a very nice person. He is a 12th grader and will be a university student next year (God willing). He and I have been friends since I was 12yrs old and he knew all my darkest secrets before my best friends. Whenever I had a problem, he would always support me. I could even call him in the middle of the night if I felt the need. So, he and I have a very firm foundation, knowing each other inside out. He also knows my history, so he knows what to "expect" from me.

I have 2 (problematic/not-so-problematic) things that I would like to ask about:

Thing 1: "You're not ready for something like that"

Two days ago, my boyfriend and I spent the day together. We went to his brothers' place, which was pretty much abandoned, except for their pet dog. Sooo... we closed all the curtains, lit a few candles and incense sticks and had a little romantic playout of our own. We ended up in his brother's bedroom and things got a little hot. I got a little brave and kissed him just below his belly button. Later, when things cooled down, I had a little chat with him. Since I'm very open, I asked him: "What would you have done if I continued to kiss lower?" And he told me: "I would have stopped you". When I asked him why, out of pure curiosity, he responded: "Because you're not ready for something like that". Now, my boyfriend is not a virgin. Did he say that because he thinks I'm just an inexperienced girl or because he doesn't want me to do anything that I'm not entirely comfortable with? It could be the later, but the first goes through my mind a lot.

Thing 2: Paranoia - The week without him

Oookays, so, this is the thing. My boyfriend planned to go away with his friends for a week. This plan was formulated before we became "official". Now, what bothers me is the fact that there's no adults, alcohol, clubs and the fact that they're guys and girls mixed. Plus, where they're going is pretty far from me. Even though I trust him with my life, the fact that I was betrayed before plays on my mind. I keep on thinking "Will he be responsible?", "Will he remain loyal to me?" and that kind of thing. Is it normal for me to feel like this? He does tell me that he feels really guilty and selfish for leaving me behind, but I told him that it's fine. I also plan to keep myself busy while he is gone. We promised to talk to each other every day while he is gone and I'm going to ask a friend of mine to keep an eye on him. According to him, "loyalty" comes first in a relationship. I don't think that he's willing to break his own code, but I'm still paranoid. I don't know what to do...

Help, please?

Thanks in advance.

Last edited by Sakura Shinigami; 11/27/09 09:31 PM.
Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: Sakura Shinigami] #390390 11/28/09 12:50 AM
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brilliant Offline
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hi there.
firstly let me start by saying i have no idea how i managed to stumble upon this site! but here is where i ended up. when i glanced at your post i just had to read on and as it transpires reply to you. i am a 37 year, old single mum of a wonderful 4 year old boy. i know 37 sounds really old but please hear me out.
men, unfortunatly tend to be ruled by the brain between their legs and especially at the age of 19 would basically do or say anything to have you continue kissing in the downward direction you were heading in. i do not know your boyfriend but every 37 years of instinct and wisdom is telling me that he cares about you so much he honestly wants you to feel completely comfortable with anything you are going to do and not feel pressured because he is 'experienced' it is only your insecurity that is making you think, he thinks you are an unexperienced little girl. ( the fact is that, you are a little bit younger and less experienced than him.) to be honest i can't imagine a better person to for you to experience more with because he obviously is putting you and your feelings ahead of his own gratification. he sounds wonderful, and the fact that you can openly talk about it is even better. when you are ready you will know and it will be even better for him because he will know that you are doing something that you really want to do, not cos you feel like you should.
regarding your second situation!
worrying about what he is going to get up to while he is away is not going to have any influenced on what he does get up to while he is away. no matter how much sleep you may loose or how many grey hairs you grow worrying about him being faithfull to you, will not stop him being unfaithful if he wants to be unfaithful. he will do what he is going to do regardless if you worry about it or not. the same as if you were going to be unfaithful to him, no amount of worry on his part would control your actions. worry only makes you become a insecure, paranoid, jealous, suspicious person. and lets be honest, who would want that person as a boy friend or girl friend? ( let me say though from his attitude regarding the kissing below the belt thing i truly think you have absolutely nothing to worry about in the slightest. insted of worrying while he is away, think of what a wonderful time he is having, enjoying himself and be genuinely happy for him that he is having a good time. he is bound to share all his stories with you when he returns home to his happy, non stressed, un jealous, chilled out girl friend. he is a lucky man and you are a lucky girl and you are only 16!!!!! does he have any older brothers????? lol
hope you find my very long winded reply helpful.
smile and be happy.
and stop worrying!!!!!
would be nice to find out how things pan out for you.
take care.
jennifer

Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: brilliant] #390391 11/28/09 04:38 AM
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Sakura Shinigami Offline OP
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Wow, thank you very much! You really laid everything out in front of me. Here's something I didn't mention:

My ex boyfriend was a real jerk. He hit me, pushed me, made me do things that I didn't want to... or basically, completely abused me and shot me down. One night, I sought comfort somewhere else. I wasn't expecting anything but to sleep in an embrace, but one thing led to another.

Now, my current boyfriend knows all about this. I definitely WILL NOT cheat on him. We've waited a year to be together and we don't plan to mess it up. But is it possible that my past (regarding my own action) is feeding my paranoia?

I had a talk with my boyfriend about this as well. He was very honest with me and said: "If I had any doubt that you would cheat on me, I wouldnn't have asked you out." He puts so much faith and trust in me. He doesn't doubt my loyalty. So, what does that signify?

Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: Sakura Shinigami] #390395 11/28/09 05:45 AM
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mattieygabiey Offline
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I think that it signifies that he really does care about you and loves you. As you said, he knows you very well and I think it is wonderful that you have him since your last bf was a total butt-face from what you say.
I think it is good that he only wants you to do what you are comfortable with. And like Jennifer said, if he wanted to cheat on you before he would have already. I would trust him.
I hope that you two lovebirds are very happy with each other and continue to have an AMAZING realationship. : )) toodles and good luck!!

Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: mattieygabiey] #390407 11/28/09 01:52 PM
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PDM Offline
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Hello again 'Sakura Shinigami' smile

Your boyfriend sounds mature and responsible ~ and caring.

That's great.

Trust is very important in as relationship. It's good if you can trust each other ~ and it sounds as if you can.

Obviously, you should always be careful, and never be pushed into anything, but this boy sounds like a friend, first, which is always a good thing smile

Is your father ok with this?

Hope it goes well.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: brilliant] #390408 11/28/09 01:54 PM
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PDM Offline
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Originally Posted By: brilliant
hi there.
firstly let me start by saying i have no idea how i managed to stumble upon this site! but here is where i ended up. ..........
jennifer


Welcome to the forum Jennifer / Brilliant. smile
I hope that you will enjoy it here.

And I think that this is good advice smile

Last edited by PDM; 11/28/09 01:54 PM.

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: PDM] #390414 11/28/09 09:26 PM
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bossay Offline
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Well I have a trust issue with my husband. About 2 years ago he was talking, texting, sending and recieving pictures with other women. We were and still are married, but he said I wasn't there for him... Let me remind you, we have 4 children that i was busy with , but he took it upon himself to do that... So now its hard for me to trust him, not to mention he did it again and lied again. How do i get the trust back??????????

*
PDM Edit;
Please respond to this subject in the new thread:
'Trust Issue With Husband [Bossay]'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/390416
Thanks smile

Last edited by PDM; 11/28/09 10:33 PM.
Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: bossay] #390417 11/28/09 10:31 PM
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PDM Offline
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Hi Bossay & welcome smile

It's best if new 'problems' have a new thread, so I have started one for you, here:

'Trust Issue With Husband [Bossay]'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/390416

Last edited by PDM; 11/28/09 10:32 PM.

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: PDM] #390435 11/29/09 01:17 AM
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Lisa Shea Offline
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Sakura -

it is very common for people who have been betrayed in the past to trust the next person. It is part of how we have survived as humans. If we put our hand in the fire, and it burnt, it was GOOD to learn not to put your hand in the fire again.

So we have to override our survival instincts in order to trust after being hurt.

Yes it will take some time - but you will get there! It will be hard to get through that week, but once you survive it and see your boyfriend is loyal to you, it will help make you even more strong.


Lisa Shea, Owner
Re: Betrayal of the past VS. Loyalty of the present! [Re: Lisa Shea] #390534 11/29/09 06:35 PM
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Sakura Shinigami Offline OP
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Thanks for all the help everyone.

Ma'am PDM, what are you referring to when you said "Is your father ok with this?" I didn't quite catch that.

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