RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Not sure what to do

Hello, I'm new to this forum but have been searching for somewhere to post and get some feedback. This looks like a good place

Anyway, my situtation is that I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years. We lived together after a few months and did so for a year. Then he had to go to where his child is in a different state 3000 miles away. He was originally from there. The plan was that he would go there for 8 months to a year, then we would meet up in another state where he would attend college and pursue his dream job. I had a good job and could telecommute so I could live anywhere. The main reason I didnt go back with him is so he could live with his parents and get all his bills paid off so he could attend school without worrying about them. Well that was Nov 2008, fast forward to now and he's had problems getting loans due to his credit so school was on hold, so our plan b was that I would move there as we didnt want to be apart so long. Well ever since it seemed like we'd have to go to plan b.. he's gotten distant and this has resulted in arguments as I'm feeling like I'm 5th or 6th in his line of Priorities.

So I'm completely in love with him and feel like this tension has more to do with how long we have been apart and that once we are together things will be back to normal. When we are together things are good and we are confortable and enjoy each other's company. So he tells me he needs time to decide what to do.. doesnt it seem like after 2.5 years he should know what he wants or doesnt want? I do know he does have a hard time committing to marriage but I'm not pushing for that.. I just want to live in the same state/town again. My best friend thinks he wants to break up but just doesnt have the xxxxx to do it and is trying to make me do it. Should I? I dont want that but I also dont deserve to be treated badly in the mean time.He is doing that as 99% of what we argue about is him not making time for me anymore like he used to. I know I should probably just cut my losses but my heart is having a hard time with that. What if he is just really confused like he says? I do know he's really stressed at work on top of all this. I want to support him but am I being stupid?

Hi Linder and welcome to the forum.

Short answer - you are being stupid. It does sound like he does want to move on from you for some reason. I would guess someone else.

He would much rather you break up because then it is not his fault or his doings. That is just my take on it, but I tend to be pretty synical.

You also did not elaborate on why he had to go to where his child is. What is the story about this child. Seems to me that this is an important piece of the story.

Good Luck.

BLR-

Thanks for the welcome and the response.

I really don't think he's got someone else. I was just there a few weeks ago, hung out with all his friends. Didnt get any weird vibes in that respect. He doesnt have a lot of time to be hanging out with anyone else, all of his extra time is spent at a club playing pool that is 98% men that are older, hardly any women there. They all know me there. He hates his job and is at different sites during the week so not really time to build anything there. And on the weekend he has his son overnight on Sat and Sun. His son is going to be 17 years old. His ex is remarried and has emotional problems that have resulted in their son being very sheltered ( homeschooled and kept in the house 24/7) When my bf gets him, they go immediately to his house and play video games all night so the son has zero social skills. Supposedly the son was acting out when his dad was gone so he went back to try to get him out of his ex's house some. But that really hasnt happened as they do the same things just at a different house. Sad situation for the kid really. Our relationship was really a huge step for him to get out of a rut of that routine he'd been in since him and the ex broke up when the kid was 1. He never wanted kids, they had dated one month when he was 20, she got pregnant and he quit his dream of school, married her cuz of the kid ( it lasted less than a year) and got a job doing something he hated to support them. I'm the first person since then that has supported his dream again and tried to help him pursue it.
Him and his son do have a good relationship though they just barely have much in common since my bf is very outdoorsy and active and the kid wants to stay in and only play on the computer. I know it frustrates him but the ex is so paranoid that he avoids pushing the kid to do anything else as he doesnt want to fight the ex on it. If it barely starts snowing she is calling and asking him to bring him home as she gets scared to not have the kid there.

So I dont know that the kid factors into our situation much , I've met him, we get along fine. My only worry with moving there is being stuck home every weekend if that is all the kid is comfortable with. Maybe the bf worries about that... he said that won't be the case and if the kid won't go do things with us , he'll just get him during the week as it won't matter much with home schooling.

He's had one serious relationship between the ex and me... that dumped him after a year with no explanation. A year later they met for lunch and she said she fell out of love with him.
I have to add that he is a horrible communicator , so a long distance relationship is probably his worst night mare because all we have is talking on the phone. He seems to think that second relationship was great because they never fought. But I suspect she had issues but because he wouldnt talk she finally just let him go.

I have brought up breaking up or taking some time off and he says he is confused, still really loves me and wants to be sure since this is the longest relationship he's had. I told him if he keeps hurting me that I'll end up hating him and he says he doesnt want that and he just needs time. Then he doesnt follow through on what he says, gets mad when I call him on it and says things like "maybe we arent compatible anymore" I say what are you saying... and he cant seem to come up with anything... grrrrr Okay the more I see this in print... the more I think I should just cut him loose.

I am no expert, I am divorced. But-- kid will be 18 soon, might be a good idea to consider bf having kid more, for kid's sake. and obviously he (kid) needs a woman like you around since his mom is so emotionally unstable. once kid (name?) is 18, he can choose where to go--dad should make sure he wants to choose dad so he has a more stable environment. if kid has been sheltered all his life, can't throw him into outdoor activities, he is not built up for that as far as immune system is required. lack of outdoor might be due to mom's sheltering. bf has new job, "new father" responsibilites, new city...and if living with or near parents, that could add a whole different level of stress, even if they get along! If your heart is truly invloved, don't act on impulse of over-the-phone arguments. Can you vacation to spend more time with bf and son? Maybe, as you said, it is just the distance. BTW, he's not abusive is he? If he is abusive, and not just neglectful, definitely RUN!

May I ask how old your BF is?

Kid will be 18 but he's socially maybe 12. He has no desire to drive a car ( what 17 year old isnt dying to drive?!) When his mom is going through these "episodes" she has , the kid has to rub her head so she goes to sleep! There is no way that my bf will get custody as the mom would never "allow" it. She wouldnt let him come visit his dad as she's scared of planes and has the kid so scared of planes he'll never go on one , meanwhile my bf is a PILOT! It's his first love , he got his private license by paying his own money from his job at mcDonalds at 17!
As for the other questions.. he's not abusive, just neglectful lately.... and he's 37 years old.

Thanks

linder - reread all of your posts. Especially the one to me. You are talking about taking on quite a bag of troubles. I am not saying that you should not do that, but I am saying that none of these problems are EVER going to go away.

It is difficult when you have someone that your truly love, but that person would not be good for you. Don't give up your life to try to give him his dream back. You cannot rescue someone who does not want to be reacued.

I wish you well, you sound like a good person, but you have to take care of yourself first, no matter who you decide to care for.

Hi Linder

I think that the existence of a child, from a previous relationship, is always going to be an important factor in a relationship ~ especially where the child is young or vulnerable.

Whatever your boyfriend decides, he will have to factor in both you and his son ~ and his ex, because the ex and the boy are so closely intertwined.

It sounds as if the son could have real problems coping with society, etc, and coping with his mother's 'episodes'.
Working out the best way to deal with these problems ~ as a father ~ must be difficult for your man.

He has been your boyfriend for two & a half years: ~ you dated for a few months; lived together for a year; and have lived in different states, 3000 miles apart, for over a year.

After all this time apart, can you really still consider yourselves an 'item'?

Do you see each other at all?

Is it just easier for him, to live with his parents, be there for his son, sort out his finances, etc, without having to worry about your part in all of this?

Is it that he doesn't actively want to finish with you, but that life would be easier, if you simply drifted apart?

I'm guessing that he just doesn't know what to do for the best and is hoping that the situation will simply resolve itself ~ possibly with a repeat of what happened with his last relationship.

You could suggest counselling. It might help.
Good luck

Thanks BLR, yes I have been more focused on his dream than my own... but mine is also in the mix, it just made more sense to pursue his first since I had a good job even though it's not my dream job.

PDM- thanks, yes his child is a huge factor and a huge decision we made together last year for him to be back there with him.

He went back in Nov of 2008, I drove with him on the 6 day road trip and flew back here. Then he came back for 3 weeks in Dec/Jan to help me move out of the house we lived in together and also to spend the holidays. He then came back in April for 4 days, then August for 5 days. I went there in November for 8 days. We talk on the phone every day. Our original plan was to move to the state where his school was in August of this year. That isnt happening now so we had a plan B which was to be together where he is now if school didnt work out yet. In November I went there to check out places to live, etc. It was only 5 days after I came back and started finalizing move plans that he seemed to get cold feet. What's frustrating most to me is that he cant seem to decide. I've told him numerous times that if he feels like it wont work than of course I'm not going to move 3000 miles just to break up. But he doesnt want to break it off and he doesnt want to go forward either... He hates living at his parents and his job is really stressful. He has never been a person to have much stress so I know this is affecting him a lot... but what I dont know is if that is the problem or if the relationship is... I hate to give up on it without knowing. For me I feel like the problem is that we have been apart too long and need to be together to reconnect again. I'm willing to risk going the distance but he isnt. I guess that gives me my answer....

The thing is, whatever happens, only you can decide what is best for you.

I hope that things will work out well for you.