RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating First date - second base. How do you feel?

Hello everyone, I haven't been on the site for a while, hope everyone is doing great :) So here's my story....I met this guy on a dating website about 2 weeks ago. We chat a few times and he seems like a decent guy. He lives very close by & went to the same colleges as I did so we’ve been talking a lot about our school life Last night we went out for coffee. It was a little awkward at first & I didn't see much chemistry between us as I thought either. After the coffee, we went to the beach for a while & that’s where we were starting to loosen up. To this point, nothing sexual has happened. In fact, I didn’t even feel any sexual tension between us. He only put his arm around me when it gets cold but that was it. We got back to our car, talked some more - with more intimate gestures now (holding hands, etc.). One thing let to another, the next thing I knew we were like on top of each other in the back of my car making out heavily. At first I told him I don’t do anything more than a…hug on the first date (really). But for some reason, I just let myself go. We got to the 2nd base mutually (above panties line) & it was actually a very pleasant experience. At least, I didn’t feel he’s taking advantage of me or disrespects me in any way at the time. We both agree to just see how things go between us, no pressure at all. I’ve been single & extremely busy for the past year and a half, not dating or seeing anyone. He told me he’s not dating anyone also (but seriously you never know). I’ve just been feeling quite uneasy & empty since last night. In the past, I only share physical intimacy with someone I’m exclusively with, or at least knew that the relationship was going somewhere. I don’t know if it’s the stress, or I’ve just been too lonely for too long that it just got me. I barely even know this guy so it was a huge & new move for me. We haven’t contacted each other since last night. I want see if he does first, otherwise I’ll probably just let it go since I don’t want him to think I’m desperate or anything. I don’t know how you guys react in this type of situation, but it actually makes me feel even lonelier & depressed because I have no idea where it’s going. I'm 25 & I grew up in a very traditional family if that makes some difference. Anyone been in the same boat before & how did it make you feel about it?

Hello lagirl143

I can only guess that, if you are both members of a dating website, then you are probably both a little lonely, and, since you attended the same college and live quite close, it was almost as if you knew each other better than you did.

Emotional and physical 'needs' then seem to have taken over. I think that this is kind of what nature intended, though many people try to regulate this ~ not all!

Since you are someone who would normally regulate this type of behaviour, yet you allowed it to go ahead anyway, even though you didn't even feel much chemistry at first, you now feel uncomfortable about it ~ empty and negative, and perhaps a little guilty.

I can understand this, but you didn't feel that he was taking advantage of you, or that he disrespected you. Maybe you feel that you lost some of your self-respect? But just think; lots of girls are going much further with men they don't know at all, so it's not as if you did something terrible.

Consider it a learning experience. Because you are lonely, you are vulnerable, and because you are vulnerable, and craving affection, you are able to do things that you would not otherwise do. Remember this in future and be grateful that you did not let things go too far.

As you said, you come from a traditional family and do not usually go so far on a first date, so bear this in mind for the future, so that things do not get out of hand and you do not feel bad about your dates again.

But don't be hard on yourself. You have been busy and lonely. You were involved in some physical intimacy ~ but you only went so far. He didn't hurt you or force you. It's not so bad

You and he may get closer and all may be great; or you may find someone else. I hope that you find your 'Mr Right' very soon! Good luck

Been in the same EXACT boat.

Met my husband online 5 years ago. I told him I loved him even before we met in person. We kissed the first time we met each other and thereafter it got pretty far pretty fast.

I was also raised in a very traditional and religious family and was sympathetic towards those values then.

I felt extremely guilt ridden for months at a time. It was a continual back and forth of "this feels awesome!" and "this isn't right..." I had just come out of a 4-year relationship, first love and first-kiss so I was feeling very lonely and desparate to fill that empty hole.

But, as you saw from the first sentence, we're married. Haha. =P

That's all to say, these internet things are very complicated and different. All in all, you need to do what you feel is right. Now, I don't think or feel there is anything wrong with how me and Steve did things. I had no regrets, it was an awesome ride and it lead us to where we are now!

So have fun, and good luck!

Hi PDM & Niki, Thank you for your insightful responses. I also posted this topic in another forum, but so far only you guys seem to understand my situation & where I’m coming from. I don’t talk this kind of stuff to my family or friends because they’re even more traditional than I am & they’d probably think I’m crazy lol. So thank you for reading my post & sharing your thoughts with me. And PDM, you’re absolutely right about the lonely part. I don’t know about him (since he joined the site due to some interesting statistics he read somewhere), but for me – I joined it simply because I really don’t have that many friends & my life is just extremely busy & repetitive. I haven’t gone out on a date since I broke up with my ex – which was almost 2 years ago. So when I met this guy, it feels pretty nice since I’m very skeptical about online dating. He was actually a very “normal”, decent guy :D Anyways, I guess what’s bothering me the most is probably our perspectives on dating. To me (my culture & how I’m brought up), we don't just go out on dates and start making out or more - unless we're a couple. And as a couple, we’ll expect this and that from one another. However, I can’t really expect anything from him now - such as start seeing each other exclusively, or call me, etc. because we’re simply nothing yet. But what happened between us is definitely something to me & I wouldn't feel comfortable at all if he continues going on dates & be intimate with other people – and vice versa. And if I admit this to him, I’d probably appear as clingy or red flag, and would possibly scare him away. Since last night, he hasn’t contacted me at all, not even to say “hello”. It makes me feel like I’m taking this WAY more seriously than he does. Sad, I know. I’m just glad I still had some control last night otherwise I’d be beating myself up even more lol. Thanks again ladies :) PS: Niki – your story sounds very similar to my first true relationship back in college. We’d explore stuff, then back up & feel guilty. It was just back and forth like that for months & it was really frustrating. Now I’m a lot more open & adventurous intimately than before, but I still hold very high values on certain aspects.

Hi again

I think that you should just start again from here and see what happens, making sure that you only do what you really feel comfortable doing, so that you feel happier with yourself and your actions.

I am a traditional person, too, from a traditional family with traditional values (much older than you though ). I think that this is fine, but it can sometimes make us very hard on ourselves and I even think that it can lead to stress and depression in certain circumstances.

Good luck

I actually just chat with him on YM last night. We didn’t seem to be on the same page & I would hate for guys to think that I’m desperate or anything so I just told him maybe it’s better off for us just to stop here. Being so busy nowadays, I don’t want to waste my time & emotion investing on someone who’s not ready to date exclusively. Exclusive to me doesn’t need to be all serious, but at least only the 2 of us getting to know each other better, and not dating other people at the same time. Is it unrealistic for wanting to date someone who can be “bad”, but mature & serious in dating at the same time? This is just so hard to find lol. I used to be so much more traditional in my values & beliefs back then. I’m actually loosening up a lot now already. It definitely can make me feel more relax & happy, but the stress & depression now mainly come from meeting the wrong guy at the wrong time :crazy:

You will find your Mr Right, even if it takes a while, so try not to worry about it. He will come along, just when you least expect him

I really hope so, but I don't think I can find that Mr. Right by online dating any time soon lol. I'm already feeling better today, thank you for talking to me PDM

Good luck!

Thanks PDM, you always give one of the most insightful advices & perspectives