Posted By: ryancb37 Advice Needed Please - 12/08/08 09:48 PM
I'm a 25 year old male who is losing his mind. I'm out of college, I have a good job, I'm single with lots of friends, I'm a relatively educated, fun, and good person.

I recently went out a weekend ago to a bar/club and saw this girl from a distance. I have no idea what in gods name came over me, because I'm really, really not the type of person to approach a strange girl that I don't know. This isn't to say I'm shy, I'm not at all... just isn't my thing though.

Anyways, I go on a one man crash and burn mission to meet this girl... we connected from the word go. Shes smart, and funny. Gorgeous doesnt even explain her. It was like some scene from a ridiculious movie, where youre like.. hmmm seems real plausible (sarcasm). Anyways.. you get the gist.

Night keeps going, its more and more enjoyable. We danced all night, grabbed drinks, sat down and got to know each other.... 2 hours into this I find out shes married. Like.. whaaaat.. no.. really? You arent married... .. reaally?? One of those..

So common sense should tell me, run... run far.. far away. Her husband is a soldier who is in Iraq and she wasnt happy with him to begin with. This lands me at a ridiculious dilemma. I'm a religious person, I have morals, I'm a good guy. There's no words for how wrong I am to be going after this girl.

We exchanged numbers and went out the next night. Hands down, that next night was the best time I ever had in my life with a girl. Such a funny night, she was unlike anyone I ever met. We laughed and talked all night. Without going into glaringly stupid detail, we spent the night together in the same bed but didn't cross too many boundary lines... but some were very much so crossed.

She says she has no idea what shes doing, and that shes never done anything like this before. She says that she loves who she is around me, and that she is confused and just going with what feels right.

So should I

a) Run?
b) Run really fast?
c) Run really fast and far away?
d) Listen to my moronic best friend who is telling me that everything happens for a reason, life isnt perfect, and you only meet the right person once...

I have no idea.. the girl is hilariously, and beautifully (is that even a word?) amazing. But I'm thinking this is just a monsterous setup thats going to result in total insanity, and /or other acts that a nice, and caring person like myself should not have be apart of.

I'll check back in a day or so,



Posted By: Carl Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/08/08 10:28 PM
Probably you will get the whole spectrum of thought on which way you should go. But I'd say you definitely crossed some boundaries already quite knowingly. As to whether you continue and see whether it should be permanent, I'd have to say that will be up to the both of you.

The guy in Iraq wouldn't be the first one to get a Dr. John letter. But how would you feel if it were you?

And what if you travel someday, or what if she travels? Will your relationship be so good that neither one of you will look elsewhere?

And what do you think of yourself? And tomorrow? And next year?

If there's no question that you cannot live without her, if you're "shameless" (like Garth Brooks says), then you'll both have to work to legitimize your relationship.

And if she is the right person, maybe waiting a while is the right thing to do.
Posted By: Anonymous Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/08/08 10:35 PM
Posted By: Anonymous Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/08/08 11:16 PM
Sorry but I have to laugh at your "So should I ... a b c" list and at luv my bird's answer (talk about short and sweet!).

My opinion is that no matter how strong an attraction you feel for this woman, I, too, would recommend a, b, and c --- run away!

The main reason I say that is because of something Carl wrote above: "And what do you think of yourself? And tomorrow? And next year?" Even if you both rationalize the whole thing & decide that it is ethical to continue the relationship, there will probably come a day when shame or guilt will hit you.

Also, you said: "She says that she loves who she is around me, and that she is confused and just going with what feels right." I don't want to hurt your feelings, but that sounds like she might be caught up in the moment (the fun, joy, excitement) and isn't necessarily going to be there for the long haul...

Posted By: Anonymous Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/08/08 11:39 PM
That also describes me.....short and sweet. LOL
Posted By: Carl Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/08/08 11:59 PM
Like Ali, also! A jab that's short and sweet and stings like a bee. Or like a Nittany Lion.
Posted By: BLR Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/09/08 01:16 AM
OK - I have a couple of questions. Was she at the bar alone or was she out with friends. If she was at the bar alone - that should be a red flag as to her intentions for the evening.

Don't be a sap - think about it - when a guy is wanting some fun on the side one of the most common "lines" is how unhappy at home they are and what a [censored] they are married to.

I am sure she is lonely - but that is part of being married to someone in the service.

Did you expect her to tell you that she is just looking for a good time.

Please remember how easy it is to enjoy a coupling when there is no baggage involved.

One more question - when is it that she is going to spring her two kids on you???

Please forgive me for being so cynical, but sometimes it is the realistic way to look at things.
Posted By: PDM Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/09/08 01:50 AM
Hello Ryan & Welcome. smile

I can tell you my thoughts, but only you can decide what to do.

Sometimes people get involved with the wrong person, and then find their soul-mate, after it is too late, and they are already married.

Sometimes lonely women, whose husbands are away, get a lift from being found attractive by another man.

Sometimes people have secret affairs.

Some women bury their new-found feelings and stay loyal to the man they married.

I do feel that your friend may be right about not missing out on your one true love.

On the other hand, I think that following up on this could result in a lot of people getting very hurt.

To me, there's something a bit sordid about having affairs.
However, I have read of couples coping very well and happily with such relationships.

Her husband is away fighting in a very frightening place. I am assuming that he is a decent chap. She is probably missing him. They may or may not be truly compatible and no-one knows what will happen to their marriage long term.

But consider ...
You say that you are a moral person.
Do you want to have an affair?
Do you want to be the person her husband blames for the break-up of their marriage?

Maybe their marriage will break down with or without your help.
If you are really meant to be together, then, maybe, one day you will be.

But you have got to ask yourself whether the excitement of being with her will make up for the guilt, etc, that you are likely to feel.

Only you can decide what to do.

Good luck!

You might like to look at these threads:

Posted By: SDG Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/09/08 11:24 AM
I agree with PDM in every aspect.

Also you might want to consider a few other things.

If you pursue it, there are many dangerous consequences

- First, man-to-man, there's always a STRONG possibility of physical violence. This is just for your safety.

- Secondly, sure she says she's unhappy now, but what can potentially happen when her husband returns? They're married, not dating. She may not even THINK about leaving him at all.

- Thirdly, you said you "recently" met her, how long is recently? If by that you mean anything less than a year... I can already tell you its a bad idea. You know absolutely nothing about this girl other than strong sexual feelings. You don't know what she's capable of, what skeletons or baggage she may have, or any other relevant facts other than her husband is in Iraq. Breaking a marriage would be a lot different from say breaking up a dating couple.

Honestly, do what you feel. None of us can tell you what to do, so you have to figure what you want. If you're willing to accept the consequences that WILL result, then do it; but, I personally say its not worth it.
Posted By: joandboys Re: Advice Needed Please - 12/09/08 01:12 PM
I too agree with many of the things mentioned that are very real consequences of continueing to see this young woman. For a moment stop and imagine how her husband must feel about her if she seems so wonderful to you. He is in a horrible war with little to cling to except the memories of his family waiting for him at home. He has a very real chance of loosing his life or coming home crippled. If by some chance he survives or is wounded and returns to face the man who has taken all or part of that family away, would you really want to be that man? I don't think this young lady has thought past her loneliness. She has however, given you a hint of what she is promising. She told you she didn't know what she was doing. She was actually putting a disclaimer on the package. That disclaimer read "Use at your own risk" "We make no guarantees as to quality or workmanship"

Another consideration is her husbands family and friends. You would not be the first person on the recieving end of unexpected trouble for dateing the wife of a service man when others find out.
I really think your a nice guy that is letting himself in for a lot of heartbreak and guilt.
© RomanceClass Forum