.... I still need much courage to contact him again. Rejection is not a good feeling. Mentally, I was depressed. Physically, I lost much weight because of breakups. Does that mean I really care about him?
You seem very confused ~ and maybe you
are depressed and this is contributing to your problems.
If you think that you are depressed and physically weakened, then perhaps you should see a doctor and / or a counsellor. You may need to talk this through with an expert.
I get the impression that you still want to find your Mr Right and marry him. Then you can make love to the one and only man in your life and live happily ever after. And this can happen. I am living happily with my one-and-only. But, you must understand the difference between reality and the fairy tale. To marry the one you love, you need to know what love is. To be happy in such a relationship, you will need to be sure that he loves you, too.
At 25, you also need to know what your boundaries are.
You need to be true to yourself, first and foremost, so that you can be honest with any man in your life.
There are questions you need to answer for yourself about sex and attitudes to sex. Break it all down & keep it simple. Ask yourself ...
Am I glad that I have already had sex?
Am I going to have sex, again?
Do I regret the sexual activity I had with boyfriend number 1?
Do I regret the sexual activity I had with boyfriend number 2?
Do I feel guilty about my sexual experience?
Do I wish that I were still a virgin?
If it were still possible, would I retain my virginity for marriage?
Do I think that sex before marriage is wrong?
Would I prefer to marry a virgin?
How do I feel about the man I marry having had previous sexual experience?
Do I think that my attitudes to sex are really my owwn, or my parents'?
Am I happy about my attitude to sex or would I like to have a more liberal attitude?
Do I feel pressured into having sex because 'that's what men want'?
Etc, etc, etc.
Really think about your attitudes and feelings and sort out what you think is right and wrong for you ~ morals, guilt, enjoyment, confusion, etc, etc.
Different people have different attitudes to sex.
Some enjoy casual sexual encounters with strangers.
Some enjoy only the special life-long bond that they find with their soul mate.
And there are many shades in between.
People feel as they do because of their personalities, upbringing, culture, religion, etc.
Sex can be many things; a lovely warm experience, an attack, a paid-for encounter, a fun event between friends, a meaningless lustful experience, an expression of love.
For some people, pretty much any sex is enjoyable; for others, without trust & love, it can be a sad and depressing experience, leaving a very negative feeling inside them.
Furthermore, unprotected sex can result in STDs and unwanted pregnancy, so people need to think things through and be responsible about this.
Personally, I think that it should be an expression of love.
If you want to be sure that you are in love before you have sex again, then you need to sort out what love means. No-one can tell you what love is; you have to feel it for yourself.
How would you feel if you were never to see this man again?
Would you risk your life for him?
Can you imagine yourself having children with him?
Can you imagine living with him, and sharing everything with him, for ever and ever?
Can you imagine finding someone you like better?
Do you think that he loves you?
Maybe it is too soon to tell.
Maybe you want to wait until you can be sure ~ that you love him and he loves you ~ before having sex with him again.
Maybe you wish you had waited until you were sure in the first place, but lust got in the way.
I suggest that you think about all this and then get in touch with him and explain what has been going on and how confused you have been feeling:
That you like him and care for him and never meant to tease or confuse him with your behaviour.
That you always intended to retain your virginity until marriage ~ or at least until you met your one-and-only ~ and that you don't want to have sex just because it is what men need, but because it is an expression of love.
That you have been let down in the past and need to learn to trust again.
That you hoped he would be the one to help you do this.
That you still want to keep sex for your true love / soul-mate and that you really needed more time to be sure that yours was a true love long-term relationship.
That you, too, enjoy sex and enjoyed the physical side of your relationship, but that your upbringing / morals / etc, are telling you to wait, now, until you are both sure that you love each other and intend to stay together.
Obviously you would need to re-word this so that it reflects how you feel and comes from your own heart.
And I think that you probably want to feel sure that this man loves you, wants to be with you, values your relationship on a spiritual / emotional level ~ and not just because men need sex, and is either in love with you, now, or feels that he may be falling in love with you.
Of course, you probably want to feel that you love him, too.
Sort out your boundaries and don't feel pushed to behave in ways that do not suit you ~ either by him, or by others. Sort out your
own moral boundaries that make sense to
you and leave
you feeling comfortable.
Be honest with him and hope that this will help, because, in any relationship, good communication will usually improve matters.
Good luck
