I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Sounds like you know what you want and where you want to go. I leave you with a couple of thoughts:
1.
You say you want to be loved for who you are, even the "bad" parts. Everyone wants this and I believe that a marriage between two people is an acceptance and loving of the other for who they are, flaws, perfections, and all. I saw this video a while ago and it reminded me of my husband's and my relationship, it made me think of my grandparents and how much they used to complain about the other person... but in the end that's one of the endearing characteristics they loved about one another. Click on the link to see the video - brings a tear to my eye every time I watch it.
Big Geek Daddy - Family/Inspirational 2.
You say you've changed what you think a wife should be and that you're not bound by the Christian stereotype of a faithful doting wife. This is fine, just try to remember what it was that made you want to marry your husband. What initially drew you to him and think about spending your life with him. Also remember that everyone changes; changes their mind, changes how they react to certain things, etc. Change is a part of our nature, it's a good thing and it can be a bad thing. You have to expect things to change - you can't always assume things will always be what they have been. That was something both I and my husband got caught up in - he expected that I wouldn't change, and I expected that he would change and we didn't communicate this with one another, therefore leading to resentment towards one another. Counseling helped us figure this out and figure out a way to healthily discuss these concerns/issues with one another. Side note: I remember going through the required marriage counseling before my husband and I got married - I thought it was crazy some of the passages they made us read and contemplate on. The way we behave in our marriage might not be bound to the Christian stereotype, but it's what works for us.
3.
He says he doesn't like the way you treat him. I'm guessing this treatment stems from your belief that you don't think you should treat him with respect just because he's your husband and that he needs to deserve it and that if he screws up you'll let him know it. I'm not saying I know how you treat him or if you treat him disrespectfully, but there are ways of letting someone know they've done something that has bothered you in a respectful manner, even if you don't think they are very deserving of that respect at the time.
4.
You say you'd expect him to do the same with you regarding not treating you with respect if you don't deserve it and that if you screw up you want him to tell you. I do think you should treat others the way you'd like to be treated - if you're mean and hurtful to him and he responds and treats you in the same manner (because this is what you want), then maybe this could be what is leading to your feelings of being unloved and unwanted because that's the way he is feeling.
Going into a separation you need to agree on how things are going to be. Your goal in your separation was: "One of the basis of our separation was believing that there's a better person out there for both of us. So seeing other people fits into that." My goal was to figure things out - it's just a difference in the meanings and goals of our separation. Glad you spelled it out in the beginning for the both of you.
Try to take a step back. When I say you need to figure out what you want, I mean:
1.
Do you want to work on your marriage?2.
Do you want to make amends with your husband?3.
Do you want to fight to make it work? Do you BOTH want to fight to make it work? If one of you wants it and the other one doesn't, is the one that wants it willing to fight even harder to make it work? (Example: in the beginning of my separation, I didn't want to make it work, I wasn't willing to put forth the effort. But my husband was willing to make it work - he fought for it. I told him the things that really bothered me and he started working on them. I saw how hard he was trying and I saw the man I fell in love with and this made me want to work at our marriage too - so instead of it just being one person that was working, making changes, it became a team. We spoke openly about things that bothered one another and we worked to change them and make them better. BUT - you can't expect the change to occur overnight - it takes time. Things still haven't completely changed for my relationship, but they're a work in progress as will be yours if you choose to try and make it work.)
4.
Is having kids before you're 25 a deal-breaker if it won't happen? (Example: My husband has been ready for kids for a long time, but I haven't been... so we agreed to wait. I initially wanted to have kids within 3 years of graduating from college but I wasn't where I wanted to be career-wise at that point, so we pushed it off another 2 - 3 years. Then I lost my job, so we pushed it off until I found another one, but with that we had to wait a little while so my job would be covered under the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act - which states your job is protected if you're there a year before you leave for maternity/paternity leave - basically). Then we ran into marital issues, and having kids in the midst of all that would have been a DISASTER. Now that we've moved back in together and we're comfortable with where we are both emotionally and financially, we're talking about kids seriously. I'm 29... I graduated when I was 21... meaning that I wanted to start having kids by the time I was 24, 5 years later it's finally going to happen (starting to try - doesn't mean it's going to happen immediately). When we started the separation, I said I didn't want kids anymore - but the reason I said this was because I thought it would make it easier to end things with my husband, not that I truly believed it. If I ultimately decided that I really didn't want kids, my husband told me it was a deal-breaker and that we wouldn't get back together. I was only saying those things to hurt him and to push him farther away from me - I wasn't saying it because I believed it, I was saying it because I was looking for the easy way out of the marriage if I needed one. - Again, this is just a side note on one of my experiences - might be helpful to you, might not.)
I'm not trying to be preachy, I'm not trying to be pushy. I'm just trying to tell you what I went through and how it helped me. Do what you need to do and what you think you should do - just keep an open mind to other ideas. Just because one person planted a seed in your head that maybe there are better people out there for you, doesn't mean it's necessarily true, but it also doesn't mean there aren't multiple people in this world that are good for you or that your husband isn't one of those people that's good for you.
Good luck with your studies, with things going in such a manner that will ultimately make you happiest - I truly hope you find it because I know how important happiness is to people.
