RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating Scared of losing him because of my own stupidity!

Ok, hi everyone! Most of you know me by my old name: Raven. No worries, you guys can still call me that, but I changed it due to privacy issues (don't ask XD).

So I'm in a real mess because of my own stupidy and in my opinion, my own selfishness.

For those of you who know me, you guys know that I'm categorized as being 'emo' because I have scars on my arms.

So here's the story:

Last week Saturday my boyfriend and I went out and had a great time together. We went to his place afterwards to have some quality time with each other. So we're sitting in his room talking, and thenwe started kissing and such. And after it all, I've got this VERY visible bruise on my neck.

On Monday my father confronted me about it and he was beyond furious with me! He deems that I'm too young (um, hello, I'm 16 in 19 days!) to get that 'intimate' with a boy. And that just pushed me over the edge. When that happened, I went up to my dad and confessed that I feel that I'm not mentally stable and showed him my scars. Now I don't know if I was being brave or being foolish. But whatever I was trying to be, it made my father fly into a rage. I was scared he was going to hit me.

But I managed to make him calm down. So, this means I might go back to my psychologist and possibly get booked into the SAME clinic my boyfriend was in.

I told my boyfriend about this and he understands. I told him to just take it easy until I recover and he accepts it. He says that if I do end up in the clinic, he'll come visit me once a week. He's being very supportive towards me and is trying to make me feel better.

BUT! yeah, but... the thing is that my dad wants to have a 'talk' with us concerning the whole bruise incident.

What do I do? I don't want my father to take my boyfriend away from me. I'm deeply in love with him (although my dad says I'm too young to know what love is) and we are 11 months together today... so I don't want to lose him because of a xxxxxxxx mark! I accept full responsibility for what happened... but now it affects two main events between me and my boyfriend:

1) Valentine's Day we celebrate 1 year together and my boyfriend was planning soemthing big. Now we don't know if it will happen.

2) My bf asked me to go to his Matric (grade 12) Ball with him and I don't know if my dad will let me go.

Help, please?

I am familiar with your history. I will try to be as honest as I can be in my opinion. I am a very progressive thinking person who raised my children to think for themselves and try to make smart decisions. I would tell them the same thing I am about to tell you.

I believe you may have been telling your father what you did in the heat of the moment for several reasons. Perhaps you suddenly felt the love and trust and knew he had your best interest at heart. This has been on your mind and you went with your daughterly instincts. You might also have been trying to hurt a little, but I sense you love him and you know he loves you and you trust him.

I see no reason why you should stop trusting him now and doubt his abilities to handle the discussion with your boy friend and you in a loving and RESPONSIBLE way. After all, you are in charge of your actions, but he IS still in charge of your life and is reponsible for you. The decisions he makes and helps you make could affect your life irriversibly. You have basically asked him for his help. You need to trust someone. You would not have told him and you would not be going back to the clinic where you can get help if you didn't believe you NEED the help. If you believe you NEED the help then you have taken the first and hardest step toward healing. You have admitted that you CANNOT do it alone. Accept his help with trust and faith. You are 16 but despite how you feel that is still very young. You have a lot of living to do and plenty of time to figure out everything. If your guy is worth it he will be there no matter what and wait if he has to. At your age everything seems to take on MAJOR implications. You may feel as if one small action will mean dire consequences but that is not the case. Everything is a small ripple in the water of life if you understand it to be that way. If you make it a tidle wave, it will be so. You have control overy how you percieve things. If you feel you don't have control then this clinic will help you to do figure things out.

Having said that, I believe your Dad is not so worried about the fact that you have a boyfriend or that you love him or that he kissed you.

He is probably worried about the rough handling that it took to put a bruise on your neck. Perhaps it is consensual roughness. You have not said if you are sexually active but bruises would lead one to think that there may be an element of that involved.

I am sure your Dad wants to understand if you are sexually active and if you BOTH are taking responsibility for that.

He probably feels, (and rightly so) that you are too young for that kind of relationship.

If you are active or if your not and if he does or doesn't agree is not the point.

You have asked for his help and told him that his 16 year old daughter is in need of psychological help.

Naturally he wants to do everything to help you and that means making sure that someone is not being to rough or agressive with you and hurting you.

Naturally he wants to make sure that someone is not taking advantage of you.

He also probably wants to make sure that if you are sexually active that it does not involve some kind of rough sex practice which can prove fatal.

If you are not sexually active then he probably wants to protect you from situations that can lead to that and get out of hand. (As your bruises may be indicateing it will)

He may want to make it clear to your boyfriend that you both are underage and to understand exactly what the situation is between the two of you. He probably wants to know if you care for each other and this is your chance to let him know what you feel and that you ARE responsible and making smart decisions. Hopefully you are.

Naturally he is concerned that your 19 year old boyfriend respects you and that you both are protected from unwanted pregnancy and disease by BOTH of you taking precautions and using protection and prevention.

I am not making judgements here about the pros and cons of whether you are or are not intimate. I am saying from your Father's point of view, he wants to weigh in and help you make responsible decisions and let you know what he thinks. He wants to know who your boyfriend is and where he is coming from. You would expect no less from your father if he is "a good father" and diserves your trust. He has a lot of experience and this is what it is good for; (HELPING HIS CHILD).

Lastly I would tell you, this is about the rest of your life, not just a date for Valentines day or a Graduation dance. Be as patient with your father as you want him to be with you. Listen to him and have faith in his love. He is best equipped to judge the kind of man that should be involved with his daughter. After all, he is a man. He will probably let you know what he thinks of your choice. It may not be what you want to hear. I am sure he will worry about your welfare first and also be concerned about your feelings and love for this boy. Listen to all that he has to say carefully. Don't rush to make judgements or to feel he is against you and your relationship. He is going to be for you and your welfare first of all, and that is what you need MOST right now. He is aware that includes your love and emotions for this boy. It is his job to access the most important things for your welfare first and in order of importance.

All of the rest will come in good time and I do not feel you will loose anything. You will only gain your mental health and with that happiness and joy. Let it happen and DON'T fight it.

Most of all in this process, Don't loose your cool and scream and cry and accuse him of not understanding. Show your "adultness" and your ability to disearve his trust by discussing and appreciating his position. In a parents eyes, they have only one chance to do it right. You have many years to benefit from these decisions and learn the path and get it right.

Good for you that you showed this courage, it is not going to be easy, but the beginning of the rest of your live has begun on the right foot, "if you allow it too".

Hi there.

I think that Jo has given some very good advice.

Does your father know about your boyfriend?

Has he ever said that he was against you having a boyfriend?

I think most parents would be worried about love bites and what they might lead to ~ or what they might already have led to.

I agree that you need to be calm, mature and honest.

Good luck!

Thanks for the helpful pieces of advice. I'll try and stick by it to the best of my abbility.

Just a correction quickly: my boyfriend is currently 17 and will only be 18 later this year.

To ma'am PDM: My dad knows I have a boyfriend and has met him quite a long time ago. He isn't against me having a boyfriend, but he did say that I should be 16 FIRST before I got involved with someone. But he bent that rule.

Good luck when you both speak with him

God knows that I need far more than luck. But you see, my father has cut me from chatting virtually with all my friends, including my boyfriend (which is our main way of communicating because it's cheaper). This is making me really lonely, especially being robbed of words with my boyfriend. I'm missing him terribly. But my father believes that until I recover, I'm having no virtual contact.

What do I do?

I can only suggest talking to him in a calm, mature & responsible way.
He may then take your words on board.

Listen to them ashes. I know who you are really. but because of security issues who spoke of at the top, i'm calling you ashes in here. Anyway, they are giving you great advice, even though most of us have no idea what your going through, or wouldn't know how to handle it, we're just giving the best possible solution. I, for one, wouldn't know what to do is i couldn't see my own gf(if i had one that young). I know though. It's hurt when you can't see you own bf/gf when you really want to, and your parents cut off all communication, ok i don't know that is, cause I never delt with that. But if I know one thing, my dad has been and still is someone I look up to when I'm in a jam. And even though sometimes he brings me down, it's just to bring me up stronger.

Everyone, I'm sorry to say that it's hopeless. My dad told me to tell him that it's over between us.

This is so unfair! My father didn't even ask me if I had feelings for him! he doesn't care if I love my boyfriend with all my heart!

All because of one stupid mistake... and now I'm paying for it with the most valuable emotion... I really feel xxxx...

I am so sorry to hear this.
Your Dad is probably just worried about you and frightened that you will become, or have become, sexually active.
Try to understand him.
Perhaps, although you should accept this, maybe you could find a time ~ when your father has calmed down ~ to talk to him and explain.
Or maybe you could put it in writing?
Or how about asking your aunt to help out here ~ would that be possible?

I don't care if he's worried about that! he should trust me enough to make my own decisions. I'm NOT a little girl anymore!

I will never try to understand him and I will never accept the fact that he wants to break us up. He doesn'is happy, we just have to go with it? I don't think so!

Perhaps your writing idea could work, but I won't ask my aunt to help me. I've had enough of the adults in my family.

From responses, and with respect to all concerned, perhaps this writer's intention to be helpful was innapropriate to the ongoing discussion so the earlier material is withdrawn and replaced with this explanation (because the time for deleting it had apparently expired).

With best wishes for an amicable solution within your family.

You are a little over a year older than my daughter.
No, she is not a child any more ~ but she is certainly not an adult and I doubt that I will consider her an adult in the next year or so.

If I were your father, I would probably feel the same way about you ~ even though 16-year-olds can legally marry here.

My friend wouldn't even allow her girls to start dating until they were 16.
I allow it, but with many rules and conditions. Both sets of parents take & collect them; they can be together in groups, in public places, or with parents nearby; they must not let things go too far ~ hand-holding, hugging, chaste kisses are ok ~ no more.

I, too, would be worried about love-bites ~ there's just something about them. They are very visual ~ they send messages to the world. Those messages tend not to be positive ones.

At 16, I felt quite old ~ and to be honest, I don't think that I have changed very much, as a person, since then ~ even though I am now middle aged.

But, to a parent, 16 years flies by. To your father, it must seem like no time at all since you were a baby.

Parents worry. He has no-one to share his worries about you with, so he goes into emergency mode. That's what parents often do when they are frightened or worried.

I'm guessing that he is scared that you may become pregnant, be abandoned, get a disease, get hurt, have to give up your education, etc, etc.

He sees you growing up and realises that your life doesn't always involve him, which can be frightening for a parent.

Show him that you can trust him. Earn his trust.

He will gradually come to see you as a young woman, rather than as a child, anyway, as you grow into your later teens. Show him patience and understanding ~ and hope that he can do the same for you.

No offense, but I don't get how all of this helps me right now. My dad wants to break us up. If I refuse, he kicks me out once I finish high school and he made that quite clear. He doesn't want anything to do with me if I stay with my boyfriend.

Has you father explained why he has changed his mind?

Because of that stupid xxxxxxxx lovebite! He thinks we overstepped the boundaries and that I have no self-respect.

I mean, what the xxxx?! How could he just jump down my throat like that?!

Well, parents don't like them.

I wouldn't like it, either. I might wonder what else could be going on.

But you have time to rebuild his trust in you ~ and in your boyfriend.

He won't listen to me. The last time I practically begged for him to stop shouting at me. But now... I feel like my hopes and dreams with my boyfriend are all gone...

Give him time to cool off and try to put yourself in his position.
He may yet change his mind, if you can be nature and responsible about it, and he can learn to trust you again ~ that you will not go past certain boundaries.

I've made up my mind about what I'm gonna do.

Once I get back to school, I'm gonna organise a meeting with my social worker and my dad. I keep a journal on how I feel and there's an entry in there that I want my father to read. I want to do it with her because I want her to read it first. This is my only chance to fix what I've done. I hope it works out, though, because if it doesn't, I've run out of options.

To ma'am PDM: I want to send you a copy of the journal entry, just to give you a bit more insight on this matter.

Well, it does sound like a good idea to use this mediator.
That sounds well thought out.

too late...

I'm sorry

It's alright. Ma'am PDM has no need to apologize. It's for the better... even if it hurts...

Well, I hope that everything will work out right in the long run.

I hope so too

Hey ashes. I'm sry to hear what happened. I know you loved him with all your heart. I know this is difficult for you, for anyone who had to be separated from their love. When they are separated, they fill the need to find other ways to fill the void. I know i have. Yall know of my issues. I'm continually fighting it each and everyday. That's one of the reasons i took up 3D animation. It gave me something to do, something to take my mind off of my first love. Ever since then I've been trying so hard just to find another. Only doing that i thought i could be happy. I was wrong. Seriously wrong. My heart maybe ready for another, but the question..."Am I ready for her?(Whoever she may be)" Ever since I've been single for the past few months, I've been happier, more confident in myself and I learned so much more cause I am more open to the world and my god. I believe, he will show me my one true love.

I hopes this helps in anyway. If you have questions...you where you can reach me.

That's a very uplifting thought.

I guess that it's a well put piece of inspiration