RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? This man is turning me into a wreck!

I have never been so confused in my whole dang life. I'm going to try the abridged version here because its soooo freaking complicated and before anyone says it yes I know, if you have to say its complicated, it ain't good.

So a couple years ago nearly a year after my divorce I met a guy on a volunteer project. In hindsight, there was some crazy flirting coming from him at the time however I was a little...not paying attention. Close to the time the project is over, he says he's leaving the country to go to grad school. Asks me to mail him packages. I say ok because at this point I had started to notice that he was definitely my type and he was a really great guy also who I wanted to keep in touch with.

Over the year we keep in touch via email primarily. Sometimes we talked about serious issues sometimes just jokes. At one point I gather up all the courage in the world that I have and tell him that I'm crushing on him. He tells me very plainly that he has no romantic feelings for me (those were his exact words). So I say ok to that and decide that his friendship is still worth a lot to me and I went on with my life. Still talked to him via email all the time.

He graduates and decides to stay there for another year, and at this point i'm still crushing but not delusional...i'm out dating other guys having a good time but something about him.....anyway I hadn't talked to him for a while and one day he sends me a quote...."Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending"
I think its nice and thoughtful (he knows I like positive quotes) I tell him so and leave it at that and put it out of my mind. Meanwhile a mutual friend of ours tells me that she got an email from him....which is odd considering he had never emailed her in the whole time he'd been gone. She said he was telling her stuff in a way thar seemed like he wanted it to get back to me, to which i'm thinking then why the heck doesn't he just um talk to me?? But I put all of it out of my mind until the next time I hear from him which is a couple weeks later he sends me another quote "If you want something you've never had you have to do something you've never done"
Sooo I write back that he was giving me an idea.....that was a lie I had no clues I was just intrigued at this point and wondering if he was saying something else or what and I was feeling playful. Surprise to me he answered right away so an email IM kinda thing goes on where he asked me what the idea was.....remember I said I didn't have one well I made up one on the spot but then I chickened out and told him i wanted to play a game with him but it was silly and he probly wouldn't be up for it anyway. So he replies with a repeat of the quote. So I give in and ask him if he wants to play a game where we only speak in quotes, no matter what is said. He said sure so the game was on! For a couple of days we went back and forth and I laid some intentionally vague zingers on the line nothing over the top just you know.....ambiguous stuff. He wound up bowing out and after a little good natured teasing I let him.

Since then, we've talked a little more than before.....and about a week ago I sent him a serious email about an issue that i'm pretty absorbed with. He replies that he would like to call me to discuss it. So I say ok, and give him my number.....4 days no call so that kinda made me confused i'm like did he say that just so i would stop emailing him? Drove me nuts! Finally I sent him an email and was like look if you just didn't want me to email you anymore hot topics all you had to do was say so. Later that day he sends one back that said hang on i'm going to call you right now. Right now as it turned out was like 3 in the morning for him but he did call and we spent about an hour on the phone. The issue that he was so hot to discuss on the phone was never raised, we just shot the breeze. I told him about 10 minutes into it that he should go to sleep and he said he didn't want to knowing that I was upset with him. So I told him I wasn't angry I was confused....blah blah smoothed over and we just like I said chitchatted.

So that brings me to here. I'm still completely totally nuts for this guy, and I know what he said, that he wasn't interested. I'm just not picking up the vibe that he's not! There are so many little things he's done that indicate otherwise.....some say if a guy says he's not he's just not some say pay attention to how he acts not his words. I'm in my 30's I thought I left all this stuff behind years ago but apparently not. I don't think he's screwing with my head, he's not that type. BUT I just don't know anymore. Any input would be appreciated and thank you for reading this far. I tried to make it short but I failed

Hi Lady J & welcome

You are in your 30s; you have known him for 2 years, you really like him, you have flirted, e-mailed, chatted on the phone at 3 in the morning, and heard messages from him via the grapevine, and you still don't have a clue whether he likes you, as you like him.

It sounds as if it was about a year after you met, and a year ago that this happened:


It is possible that he has changed his mind, but I can certainly understand you not wanting to hear the same thing from him again; or ruining the friendship you now have. On the other hand, you need to know, really. You say that you have been getting on with your life, dating and putting thoughts of him to one side, yet you also say that you are 'still completely totally nuts for this guy'

If you have been keeping in touch all this time, what exactly did he say, in the e-mail to your friend, that seemed to concern you?

Are you sure that you are still keen on him, or is it just the idea of him?

Have you actually seen each other since that volunteer project and how long did you spend with him at the time?

Has he had girlfriends during this time?

Has he kept in touch with the mutual friend?

Rather than asking him, again, if he 'likes' you, you could just admit to not really knowing if there was some meaning behind the quotes that he sent and tell him that you are intrigued to know if there was something there that you should have picked up on.

Thank you for the warm welcome and the response! I'm enjoying the forum so far

Yes to your first paragraph and yes about a year almost exactly to the time I made my confession.

Let me see if this makes sense anywhere except in my own head. When I met him, I wasn't really looking to do a whole relationship thing....10 year marriage ended in divorce, needed some serious recovery time. I also started school again and have pretty much made that my priority.

I thought it would be fine to have a friendship with him, particularly since he wasn't going to actually BE here...just wasn't wanting to get involved like that. Still not really that keen on it. I at the time was perfectly content to have a crush to think about and daydream about.

The reason that I finally told him, was because the more I talked to him the more I sort of figured out that it was not just a crush. I'm really into him and it was just too heavy to keep inside. It took me a month to decide to do it. Afterwards, it wasn't awkward or anything and at some point (I forgot to mention this) I told him the crush was over (major lie) because I didn't want it to be like the elephant in the room kinda thing yanno?

I absolutely have been on a few dates, had some fun and i'm still also feeling very strongly about this guy. I think that if he were here now, and had been for the whole time, we wouldn't have gotten close like we have since he's been away, due to me just not wanting to make that investment. I honestly first thought it was just going to be a pleasant distraction kind of thing.

No, its not the 'idea' of him that I like, its actually him. We worked together side by side for 5 months about 12 hours a day, talked on the phone all the time pretty much.

He doesn't mention other women, I don't mention other men. I'm sure that he's dating, he's healthy and attractive and that doesn't bother me a bit.

No he emailed the mutual friend the one time only. This was over the holidays, and i'd told him already that she'd spent the holidays with me and my family......he asked her how the holidays were and what she did and with whom. This wouldn't be weird except again, he hasn't said a word to her since the day he left. She was another member of our team...if we were paid, he'd have been my boss and I would have been hers.

Right now, I just want the question answered, he's acting just a little too something and i'm not sure what it is. I can't open up that can of worms again particularly since I told him that the crush was gone. I figure it has to come from him otherwise, I presume he's feeling platonic.

The phone call thing, that was bizarre. The topic at hand wasn't anything more or less serious than any other that we'd discussed via email in the past so it was just like why NOW do you need to talk to me on the phone?

He's due home in a few months, i'm prepared to wait until then and peep the new body language...but as you've no doubt gathered, i'm pretty patient.

Oh and I never asked him if he liked me. I simply explained to him that I had these feelings for him...the only thing I asked him was if he was comfortable being in a friendship with me knowing that. I mean, I tried really hard to make it plain that these were my feelings and I didn't have any expectations that he returned them, nor was I trying to put him on the spot by asking him if he did. I almost didn't tell him at all but in the end I felt like I could trust him enough with that information and that it was important enough to share...which is pretty much exactly what I said to him.

Neither one of us has ever mentioned it again after he replied. I was worried when I put that out there, that he would change or get weird. He didn't. There was a little distance for a month or so, and I think it mostly came from him letting me take the lead, and then it was right back to our friendship.

I'm glad that you like the forum. It's a friendly place

I'm really not sure what I would do, if I were you.

Maybe I'd just wait, and see what happened when we met up again.

Of course, if you wait ~ having told him that the crush is no more ~ he might find someone else.

Being patient is one thing, but are you prepared to accept this if it happens?

Yea this one is a toughie. I've been wrestling with it. If he finds someone else it would be sad but only with me to blame. Its like the lesser of the two evils here.

Risk opening up to him again and rolling the dice, or saying nothing and playing the waiting game.....the way the odds work I could lose either way.

Body language is easier to read though...this guy is every bit as cautious and guarded as I am so its a slow going thing either way. Guess i'm going to just stay on the fence for now. Thank you for helping me sort through it I'm headed back to the wine forum now!

Good luck & take care