RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating Life is difficult for her...

Oh boy, this is gonna be long...

My relationship has been going on for 2 years or so, my first relationship ever. It's somewhat secret, since her parents don't really allow her to date, but I'm allowed to hang out with her and we call each other a lot. We're assuming they have to know by now, they're just not doing anything about it. So things have been going very well, we've never really fought or anything. However, she's had stress piling up on her for a while now with classes, extra classes, clubs, surgery, and her parents. She may not even have the time for a relationship in general. I also entered college this year and she's still a senior. I'm about an hour away most of the time.

We still talk a lot, but very recently I was concerned about her working herself to death. I may have been over-reacting as she says the work piles up due to procrastination, and she feels the need to stay busy anyway. So this recent conversation did nothing but annoy her. Also, there's something she's not telling me about her past. I didn't have a problem with that at first, but due to this thing, there is something I am failing to understand about her and all this work and her life, and now it's affecting our relationship.

A few months ago, there was a problem with her emotions. They diminished and she fell into a state where she couldn't say I love you anymore because there wouldn't be anything behind it. We got through that, but during this recent conversation, I asked her to only say it if she meant it, and once again, she couldn't say it. The call was actually yesterday, and I've tried contacting her a few times since through text, but there's been no response (her phone might just be off, she does that a lot anyway).

I'm really worried because I'm kind of obsessed with her at this point. I feel like she's not completely letting me in, and I can't even talk to her about this face to face that easily because her parents are around if I go over her house, and we can't talk about our relationship in front of them. During calls, she tends to go silent during serious points in the calls. I'm trying my hardest to be supportive and everything I can be for her, but I feel like that may also be driving her away. I don't know what to do anymore, but I really don't want to lose her. This thing she's hiding, I feel like she may also be wanting me to save her from it, but I have no idea how to do that. I feel pretty hopeless, but I never want to give up. I just don't want whatever it is she wants to be saved from to destroy our relationship, just because I can't figure out what it is! Also, she said that if she told me what it is, it won't matter. I think this means she wants me to somehow figure this out for myself... I'm scared....

A few details about her...

She's pretty shy, she always closes herself off, so she has some trust problems. This is due to her past, some of which I understand. She is scared of trusting I believe.

She has never opened up to anyone as much as she has to me.

She works very hard and looks at life very realistically.

I believe in the back of her mind she expects that one day I will find someone better. She wants me to prove her wrong.

She says she'll probably never tell me that part of her life.

Hello BlueWind and welcome.

I can understand how this must be troubling you, but I am not sure what is the best thing to do. I'll have a think and post again.

Meanwhile, try not to worry, as worrying never helps

Thanks, I'll try my best with that. I'm hoping I can talk to her today. At latest, I'll probably see her tuesday afternoon, but we can't exactly have a heart to heart during an after school activity.... XD

Am I right in thinking that your main concern is summed up here:

And that this is upsetting and confusing for you:


And that this doesn't help:


Can you tell us how old you both are, and how you met, please?

You summed it up pretty well. I'm 18, she's 17. We met in two different clubs, Polaris (poetry and art), and anime (we watch anime/japanese cartoons there). She confessed to me during my junior year and a little after, I started liking her in turn. We have a very nice relationship. It's also very slow, and we like it that way. First cheek-kiss, 2 months in. First lip kiss and the phrase I love you, 7 months in. Abstinent and hoping to be together forever.

So you have been in a relationship with this girl since she was 15, yet there is a secret in her past that she feels unable to reveal. Presumably her parents know about it?
Is this why they are so protective?
If they are, and they have accepted you, then they must feel sure that you are a caring person.

Young love is very sweet and it seems that you have a good relationship, yet you are bothered about something, aren't you?
That is why you have posted here.

You would, I suspect, prefer it if she could share this past matter with you?

The thing is, most young relationships like yours do not last. Some do, of course. I have been with my husband since we were in our teens and I know a couple who have been together since they were 15. We are in our mid 50s and they are in their late 50s ~ so it can happen!

I am guessing that if your relationship stands the test of time, then she will, eventually confide in you, but, if she is only 17, then whatever it is may still be too raw for her to deal with fully.

However, you say 'This thing she's hiding, I feel like she may also be wanting me to save her from it ...' and, if you are picking up on this, then what concerns me is that something may still be going on that is causing her pain, or concern.

Is it possible that she is being hurt in some way?
In other words, is she safe?

She is entitled to privacy, but I can understand your concerns.
You don't want to pressure her though ~ that would not feel fair.

I'll give this more thought.

Thank you. If there's anything else worth mentioning, it's that she feels the need to prove something to herself. I'm not sure what that is or even how she intends to go about it, but it seems to be why she works so hard.

Hi

It seems that she has either done something that she regrets and is putting it into the past and starting afresh, or something unpleasant has happened to her and, again, she is trying to put it behind her, or she has been through some other kind of experience that she considers others may not understand and / or accept.

I think that you are, self-evidently, correct to 'feel like she's not completely letting [you] in'. She has let you in a little way, though, so she trusts you, but can you accept this secret ~ whatever it is and whether or not you ever discover the full story? You say that 'it's affecting [your] relationship' ~ but can you get over this? You say that you understand some of the problems from her past, re trust issues. Could you accept anything that you might learn about her and her past experiences, whatever they may be and whether or not she ever tells you about them?

Would you be willing to wait until she feels ready to tell you more, or until you have been together long enough for this to look like a truly permanent relationship?

I am guessing that whatever it is may be the cause of her working so hard, etc.

It may be behind her confused emotions, too ~ although that may also be age-related. And sometimes it just isn't easy to understand and state exactly how you feel about someone, if you are actually being questioned about it.

Are her parents supporting her through her problems?
You indicate that they contribute to the stress.
You say that you are 'allowed to hang out with her' but that you 'can't talk about [your] relationship in front of them'.
Could you go out for a walk or something and have a quiet chat then?

A couple of questions:
Is it possible that there are any religious beliefs involved?
What did you mean by 'surgery'?

It's good that you are being supportive, and lovely that you both hope to stay together, but you can only be yourself and you can only do what you can do. Don't expect too much of yourself ~ or of her. You are both very, very young.

Take care of yourselves

We do have different religions, but I don't think that should be the problem. I'm Buddhist and she's christian by the way.
In August, she had surgery done on her back. Since then, she has been recovering and is unable to exert herself too much physically. This is a problem for her since she is rifle squad captain and is not allowed to twirl a rifle as a result. It upsets her a lot.