RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up advice please

Ok well my xgf an I have been on and off for like 2 years, the last 6 months weve been on but unestablished. Seems that when we lable our relationship its to hard to manage.

B4 i met her she was in love with some guy shes never met but talked to for maybe 1000's of hours by chat rooms and over the phone. she hasnt spoke to him in over 6 months untill last week and now she doesnt even want a friendship with me anymore.

like i said we been togther last 6 months as labeled friends, but spending 99% of the time togther, sleeping togther, and being romantic on occasion.. i thought things were just perfect this way.

now since this internet/cyber guys talking to her again, im not worthy of even her friendship nemore.. ive no idea why but i love her to death, and want a life with her. Ive made some mistakes, but so has she.

I guess i frighten her at times when im upset about random stuff, and she associates the anger is twords her. I assure her its not but i guess she doesnt except it.

One last thing is my life is going so wrong right now in almost ever direction, i'm at the point right now when her friendship is needed most, which she says always seem to be the case everytime we split i make her feel so needy which i have no control over, its just alwasy bad timing or bad luck when these trying times come up for me.

shes been my only friend this hole relationship. she says she cares about me very much, and says other romantic things every now and then. and when I hold her to thos things she says she compleatly forgot she said that till now that i just brough them up.

sorry this is a longer post then i wanted it to be but i need some advice and ive no one to ask. i love her very much and just want her back and to stop talking to cyberdude shes never met.

i guess they talk for hours too days on stuff she would liek to talk to me about but just doesnt cause she thinks i dont want to hear it, ive made the mistake 1-2 times buy saying i dont have time to talk but she takes it the wrong way, i was just busy or tired or depressed, and ive tried to explain i want to listen to her and talk just at another time.

ive been trying to get her to talk to me the past week or 2 but itt's like i ruied it and she just wont.. can anyone help me??

This sounds like a very painful situation for you, and I'm hesitant to say anything that will sadden you further.

In my opinion, from what you wrote it sounds like she values you as a friend -very, very much- but perhaps doesn't see you as romantically as you see her.

Hi Paul.
I just typed out a long reply, only to lose it all!! What a nuisance. Never mind.

Anyway, I am now going to try to be objective for you, because it is not easy to do this when you are in the middle of a situation.

Please don't take any of this as negative criticism ~ it is supposed to be constructive and helpful ~ as Pudgie's mom said, I wouldn't want to sadden you further.

However, if you can be objective and sort a few things out, this might be beneficial for you and help with this girl ~ or possibly with future girlfriends.

These are some quotes from your post:

It sounds, to me, as if you may be suffering from anxiety or depression, perhaps, and that this negativity is making you particularly 'needy' of your girlfriend. This may be extremely stressful & difficult for her to cope with, so it may be the reason that your girlfriend put some space between you.

Maybe you could get some counselling ~ perhaps you could have a word with your doctor.

Now look at these two comments:

Is it possible that when you need to talk to her, you expect her to be there, but when she needs to talk to you, she cannot rely on the same response from you?

If there are problems, then, as you are fully aware, people need to talk ~ to talk to people they can trust. If she cannot depend on you for this, then it is not surprising that she is talking to someone else.

Do you feel that you were both giving equally of yourselves in this partnership?

And, whatever the reason for your anger, and even if it wasn't directed at her, is it fair that you frightened her?

I don't know what the problems are that are causing your concerns ~ but I get the impression that the relationship problems are secondary to whatever these are. It seems they are causing you to be tired, depressed, angry, needy and anxious.

As a result, it seems to me ~ please correct me if I'm wrong ~ that your girlfriend was being depended upon for support, being ignored when she needed to talk & being frightened by you when you were angry.

Relationships are partnerships ~ two-way things. Each needs support from the other, as well as giving support.

You sound, to me, as if you need counselling; someone outside, who can be objective and supportive. If you can become more positive and assertive; less needy, depressed and angry, then things may be different. If you win the girl back, I would recommend relationship counselling, too.

I believe in cyber-friendship ~ I feel that I have 'friends' on here. I haven't met them. I really find it hard to beleve that anyone can really fall in love with someone they haven't met. I know that it happens, though. However, if this chap and your ex actually met, they may not feel any romance between them at all.

You say that, as just friends, you were 'spending 99% of the time togther, sleeping togther, and being romantic on occasion'. I may be wrong, but this doesn't sound like friends, it sounds like a romantic attachment.

Maybe there is still a chance for you, but you need to stop thinking in terms of 'bad luck'. I'm sure that bad luck happens, but I also believe that people can make their own luck. Stop thinking negatively and start thinking about what it is that makes you feel angry, or depressed, or unlucky and consider what you can do about it ~ even if it's only going to an advice centre or counsellor for some objective help. See if you can find some self-help books in the library. They can help with positive-thinking.

I believe that this is where your relationship problems stem from ~ not from the cyber friend. She left him for you. She has never even met him. She says that she cares about you and you say you love her. Maybe you can save this, but I think that you need to be aware of the issues that might be giving her concern.

Good luck & take care of yourself!

What wonderful thoughtful advice. I once read that one reason professional counceling works so well is that they are trained to listen and guide us by asking key questions that help us peal back the layers until we are able to see the underlying problem and solution for ourselves. The key word being "listen". So often, when we turn to loved ones for support and caring, they offer advice because they want to help. Sometimes we even ask for advice only to reject it.

Either way it sometimes burdens the relationship and changes the dynamics. Our problems can be so perplexing and confusing that the only true way to solve them is to talk about what is bothering us until we see the solution for ourselves.

When we seek professional counceling it frees our personal realationship to be loving and supportive. It shifts the burden of problem solving to the councelor and ourselves. It changes the perspective of being needy to being self sufficent. Both people in the relationship feel free to concentrate on the aspects of the relationship that are joyful and loving. It rejuvenates our personal life which then becomes the source of support that we need.

Often our personal relationship seems like it is the only thing holding everything together. When our personal life starts to suffer from anxiety and depression, we often sink further into hopelessness. Separateing problem solving from the relationship and shifting it to the counceling changes that. We breathe new life into the whole process. by seeking counceling hope is automatically introduced. Progress towards a solution is being made.

We are not hiding the problems from our loved ones but the burden of problem solving is removed from the relationship. The relationship returns to being a source for feeling grounded and centered and ok with the world.

All of the caring sound advice is geared towards long term changes in how you solve the emotional stresses. In the short term it sounds like you also need to get the chance to reestablish contact with your girlfriend.

Nothing in the world will make her want the relationship. You can however establish contact so that you have a chance to show her that you hear what she wants and understand her needs and concerns.

It is sometimes hard to get someone to listen to a verbal communication. I would try flowers to get her attention and a well written thoughtful letter of medium length. Center on telling her that you want to listen to her thoughts and how much her friendship means and that you realize the truth of what she is feeling.

I would not dwell on explanations, or pressure her with feelings of anything more than friendship at this point. One good way to reaquaint your self with her would be to talk to her online also. You can be upbeat with your communications and it is a good way to listen to her. You could invite her to talk online in your letter also. Whatever way you do it, writing will give you time to figure out exactly what you want to say.

Yes, Joandboys, very good positive commments there.

I studied counmselling for a very short time as part of a teaching certificate, and found it really illuminating.

'The key word being "listen". So often, when we turn to loved ones for support and caring, they offer advice because they want to help. Sometimes we even ask for advice only to reject it'
Very true! Advice ~ as in telling someone what to do ~ doesn't work well. It's better to throw some light on the situation, by indicating how you perceive it, and then allow the person to work through matters in their own way ~ but often, if necessary, with professional guidance.