Thanks for all the advice everyone... but sadly she ended up telling me the opposite of what I had wanted.
Turns out she had these mixed feelings for a while, and was hoping that I would grow on her or something.
It ended up that we were kissing, and she said she couldn't "do" it anymore. Confused I was like what do you mean?... when she said she was having second thoughts about her and I. We had somewhat of a short lived discussion on it before I grabbed my things and left her apartment at 6 in the morning and drove back 4 hours home.
She kept saying things like "I can't feel this "one" thing for you and I hate myself that I cant", and just other things that made absolutely no sense... seemed to me that she was just dodging everything. I asked her if it was something I did, or didn't do, but according to her, I am great, perfect even, but that she couldn't feel it.
When she said all of this... it made absolutely no sense. Things that... seriously made no sense what so ever. Rambling even. Considering the night before we slept arm in arm in the same bed and had many moments of what I thought were "genuine."
In all honesty... I'm glad this happened then rather than later on. I just hate being toyed with that way. Her excuse was that she didn't want to hurt me, and that she wanted to "try" and see if I would develop that "thing" she wanted. I know she wanted me to stay and talk with her, but in my defense, I couldn't stand to see her. She began crying at the fact that she had hurt me, and seeing her cry... it made me tear up. I am not one to cry... but it truly hurt.
Before I left, I told her everything that was on my mind, I went into that fight/flight mode. I told her that even though our relationship was short lived, that it was the best time in my life, and that I wouldn't trade it for anything. I told her I loved her (though not in the romantic sense, more so in the sense of how I feel toward other close people in my life) and I told her that I wish she would have let me fall in love with her. I basically told her everything I had wanted to say. Which... in turn made her cry more. She said she was "making the biggest mistake of her life letting me go" and maybe she's right, but now at least I know the truth.
About a half hour after I left, I received a few text messages saying that she was sad that she had let me go, asking me to forgive her, and that she needed my friendship... but... and this may be a mean thing of me... but I said no. I said to her, that this would be the final time she and I would speak, see each other or ever be in the same room. I don't think I could be friends with someone that hurt me in that magnitude, especially after being lied to for so long; and though I still hope one day she'll call me out of the blue... I know she wont. Even before I left she kept saying she needed my friendship, not wanted but needed. Last thing I said to her about that was "I'll always be your friend, but now, you'll never know it."
And its true. I will always be her friend, if anyone ever asks me about her, I'll say nothing but good things about her, but as for physically speaking to her directly... I don't see any point. Maybe I'm being greedy... but in my opinion, she was being selfish to ask me for that.
It's been about 3 weeks since that event, and though I was sad for a while, I realized that I am better off. No more chasing dreams, no more pretending to myself or trying to please someone that could care less. I learned who I really am. I know who I am now, and because of this, I feel stronger. I've learned that who I am deep down inside is the true me. I fight for everything I want, I do the things I want, I don't care what anyone says or thinks of me, and I live everyday like I want to, everyday is an adventure.
Maybe one day... we will speak again, maybe one day she will finally give me the chance with her I always wanted, but I wont wait for her, nor will I ever get my hopes up for her.
So again, thank you for all your help. Each of you. Though I lost the girl of my dreams... I gained a true sense of being. I know my place in life now... and rather than kick myself because of it... I've come to accept it, and make myself better. Not for anyone else, not to please anyone, and not to hide anything... but because now... I am finally free, and I can move forward now and be proud of everything real in my life.
So thank you again, and who knows... I may come back here again one day about another girl
