RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Nightmare

We had a girl on the forum, who had been through something similar to this. She felt that she couldn't tell her parents, because of what she assumed they would think. In fact, once they understood what had been going on, life improved for her no end.

No-one is perfect.
No-one should live a lie, if it is hurting them.
In your case, you have people who love you ~ wouldn't they be supportive?
Only you know what you should do, but are you sure that you are doing the right thing?
I understand that you are still very young, with a full and happy life just waiting for you to enjoy it. How long are you intending to carry this burden, without any help?

I am just afraid that my parents will be angry. And if they wouldn't be angry for what happened, they would be mad i didn't speak up. My parents are very old fashioned people though, and they would be very disappointed in my regardless.

I know nobody is perfect. there is just a lot of pressure on me to be perfect.

I have confided everything into Matthew. He knows most of the gruesome details. I trust him and we know everything about eachothers past. Especially the parts where we just needed someone to listen, not judge, just listen.

I don't know how long this burden will be carried. I wish I could just set it down and leave it forever, but I know that will never happen. I just fear that he will come back, I will see him, and then all you-know-what will break loose. The thought of him coming home gives me that icy feeling in my stomach. The feeling when you know something bad is gonna happen.

At least you have your boyfriend to confide in.
That must be a huge relef.

I can't imagine parents being angry at their daughter for such reasons, though.

Imagine if it were your daughter.
How would you feel?

When I have kids I plan on bringing them up in a very close parent-child relationship. I want them to understand I wont be mad that they have sex, I rather know so i can make sure it's protected than have them feel like they need to lie and be sneaky like I did.

If it were my daughter I would be very sad for her. I would hope that she feel comfortable enough with our relationship to come to me and talk about it. I would do everything to help her, or just listen if that is all she needs me to do.

My mom just doesn't understand, she was married at a young age, and she always worries that i will be married to young too. I don't know.. It's complicated =\

But you are right having Matt to talk to is a huge relief, but sometimes he still doesn't understand how over a year later I still have these feelings. Sometimes it hurts him more than I would like it to, but he is a good guy about it I'm grateful God gave me someone to help heal my wounds, even if all he does is love me and listen.

hopefully my child-rearing plan works in my favor. It's worth a shot anyways.

I never want my kids to feel like their parents wont support them and feel alone like I did. It is an empty awful feeling to have. So hopefully thinking ahead will help, but when I have kids I bet I will never want them to be THAT grown up.

no one should suffer in silent.none of what your saying is your fault.you have loving parents;if you don't want to share it with them try talking to a pastor,preacher father of a child,teacher there are many understanding people in this world who would reach out to you if you open up.

Only a year?!
Well, if that's all it is, I am not at all surprised.

But I'm guessing that you don't understand why, either.

Some thoughts:

For some reason, girls are often attracted to the 'wrong type'. There are plenty of films on the subject.
I married my first real boyfriend ~ a very decent person ~ and most of the boys and men I have ever known have been very nice people, but when I was in my teens, I did find myself attracted to some boys I didn't even like. They were not nice. They were dangerous even. It scared me that I should even notice them ~ yet I did. Why??? I never went out with any of them, thankfully.
And, at 16, I became quite smitten by a married man 20 years my senior who happened to be my boss at a summer job. All the girls & women found him attractive & I suppose he knew it. He used to flirt with me & even asked me out! Thankfully I wasn't stupid enough to go, but some of the other girls thought that I should have.

So, you are not alone in finding these 'exciting' & 'dangerous' males attractive ~ rightly or wrongly. Remember, you were very young and vulnerable. A teenager may seem like an adult, but a teenager's only experience is that of a child.

And it is a well known thing that if parents say 'no' to a boy, daughters are going to find them even more attractive.

Plus, no-one is ever going to forget their first love ~ their first kiss.

And no-one is ever going to forget being hurt and let down by that first love.

And no-one forgets being bullied.
In 1975, I left school/college and started working in an office. I was there for seven years and for most that that time my life was like hell on earth. Basically I was hated & bullied. I had some friends there and some good times, but many of my colleagues treated me very badly. I don't know why. They didn't like me before they even met me.
How long do you think it took for me to get over that?
No-one physically hurt me.
It was mostly emotional.
I left in 1982.
It was probably 20 years before I could distance myself enough from it to really put it in the past and to not let it bother me.

A year is not long to process what you have been through, with very little support, at a very young age.
With love and support you will get through this, but it is not going to happen overnight ~ nor even in a year. It will be a slow process.

As for feeling bewildered by, and even guilty about, some of your feelings regarding this man, remember, he was your first true love. You are probably still a little bit in love with the part of him that was loving. And you still remember how you felt. Those feelings are still yours. You probably yearn for some tangible reminder of the good parts, but you are left only with confusion, guilt, pain, regret, etc. Because what should have been this special first love was never really real.
I fell in love with a boy at the tender age of nine. He was also 9 and he loved me too. He still holds a special place in my affections. One's heart holds on to special feelings of early love. Sadly, this man's love was tainted. He was not worthy of your love. But he was still your first love.

Hopefully, the bad memories will fade and you will replace memories of this false first love with memories of your first true love.
It will take time, though.
Be patient with yourself, even if others are not so patient with you.

Take care!

Thanks PDM. A year just feels like a LONG time. He and I used to break up and get back together a lot, so a year seems like ages. Not bad, but I just hoped that this would go away.

You are right that he probably will hold a place in my heart for a long time, if not forever. I just have to work on replacing him with feelings for other people. I know I will NEVER forget him because of what he did, because of him I plan on being a psychologist, maybe even a psychologists for people in abusive relationships. I want to help with my experience. It was awful for me, and I hope that I can tell someone "I was there and I want to listen". I want to help. Hopefully I can turn negative into a positive for somebody else. I just wish it didn't have to happen.

Thanks so much. I feel less guilty knowing that a year (though it is long) is not long enough to get over things like this. I'm glad I'm not 100% crazy .

Definitely not crazy!

And to bring something positive out of something negative is a wonderful idea!

first step however is me getting more over this so I can make it MORE positive.

Thanks for everyones help and support