RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up is there any salvaging this?

So here’s the situation, my ex and I dated for about 6 months though not "officially" I preferred to keep it that way because it seemed like the safest option. I did not want to get burned or burn her...but I was unwilling to commit because I was unsure of the way I felt about her. Because of this I was kind of a jerk to her; I flirted with other girls, and once let her down when she was in a pinch. She told me she loved me but I told her I still didn’t know how I felt. Towards the end of our relationship I decided to make it official because she was beginning to question the validity of the relationship. Unfortunately it lasted for about 6 days, I began to feel smothered and trapped all of a sudden, and when I was given the chance (argument) I bailed...She took it hard, she cried allot all the time, said that I screwed her over. Fast forward about month, I spend some time alone, went on a few dates, when all of a sudden I realized that I missed her. I started to think about all the good times we had together and the strong connection we shared, we could talk to each other about anything and everything. So I did what everyone in my situation would do. I called her up told her I missed her and that I was sorry for everything I had done wrong. I also told her that the time apart made me realize that I love her too. But her reaction shocked me. First she started crying, and then she said she needed time to think, but I was persistent, she told me that she didn’t think she could ever be with me again and that she was just too angry and hurt to get over it but we could be friends. I agreed hoping that by keeping the friendship alive I could revive the relationship but whenever we hung out, I count help but push for more. Finally everything came crashing down, I asked her if she wanted to hang out with me one night and she said yes. Later she cancelled because she was going to a work party. So I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with me the next day instead. She agreed. But later that night a mutual friend invited me to the same party so I went. She started crying when the moment she saw me. She was furious I was there and wouldn’t even talk to me. She said to just leave her alone and not talk to her anymore. So I left. I called her a few days later and apologized for crashing her party and again pleaded with her to reconsider the relationship. Her answer was the same only this time she said she was talking to someone else now. I started crying and told her I was sorry and I wouldn’t bother her anymore. I’ve made a huge mistake! I want her back, is there anything I can do???

Wow it does sound like a lot of things happened in here. You definitely do not want to pressure someone into "decide right now" - giving them time to think is always the best option. Giving them space is also important. You've pressured her a number of times now and she is really upset by it.

You need to prove to her - through your words and deeds - that you have learned from all of this. People make mistakes as they learn and grow, we all do. It is part of life. So yes you made mistakes, but you've learned from them. I'm sure she's made mistakes in her life and has learned from them.

So give her a few days and then *send her a letter*. Letters are good because they can be read without pressure and thought about. Explain to her again that yes you made mistakes, and that you realize them, and acknowledge them. Then lay out exactly how you plan to be different going forward. Don't just say "Oh I'm better now!" Be concrete. Show her that you have learned from this.

Don't ask her to be dedicated bf/gf right now. That would be a huge leap. Instead, JUST ask to be able to see her for drinks / dinner sometime in the future, to be friends. Start very low key.

don't you think a few days would be too soon? its been 3 days now. I do not want her to think i dont respect her decision to be left alone right now, but i am concerned if i dont make somekind of move soon the relationship with whoever shes seeing could grow into something more serious...also when i do send the letter? e-mail or hand written? does it make a difference?

Hi burnedagain ~ welcome :) I tend to agree with Lisa about the letter. Handwritten sounds good to me ~ but that may be a generation thing. If you & she would be more comfortable with e-mail, then it might be ok. But, before you write, are you absolutely sure? You know the saying about [i]the grass being greener on the other side[/i]. You didn't 'want to get burned or burn her' then ~ but what about now? When you had the chance, you were: ~ unwilling to date 'officially' ~ unwilling to commit ~ unsure of how you felt ~ kind of a jerk ~ flirting with other girls ~ letting her down ~ feeling smothered ~ feeling trapped So ... 'all of a sudden' you felt trapped, but then, ''all of a sudden' you realized that you missed her. [quote] I called her up told her I missed her and that I was sorry for everything I had done wrong. I also told her that the time apart made me realize that I love her too. But her reaction shocked me. First she started crying, and then she said she needed time to think, but I was persistent, she told me that she didn’t think she could ever be with me again and that she was just too angry and hurt to get over it ........ ......... I’ve made a huge mistake! I want her back ...[/quote] I don't want to sound harsh, because I can tell that you are hurting, but have you noticed how much this is about you? What [i]you[/i] wanted; what [i]you[/i] want. How [i]you[/i] felt; what [i]you[/i] feel. How much consideration did you give / have you given / are you giving - to her feelings and wants and needs? When you didn't want to commit, it was all about how [i]you[/i] wanted to behave. Now you want her back, you are shocked by her reaction. Have you actually put yourself in her place, and considered how she felt, and how she may be feeling? Why were you shocked at her reaction ~ her distress and her anger? Wouldn't you feel the very same way, in those circumstances? She told you that she loved you. That is a huge admission for a girl to make to a man. It puts her in a very vulnerable place. You told her that you still didn’t know how you felt. You didn't even consider her to be your 'official' girlfriend. This must have been upsetting for her ~ but at least you were being honest ~ and that is the right & fair thing to do. However, being a jerk, flirting with other girls & letting her down is not the right & fair thing to do. When you suddenly remembered the good times, realised your mistake and told her that you loved her, did you really expect her to just forgive & forget the bad times? Are you aware that, perhaps, the way you are feeling, now, is something like the way she was feeling then? How does she know that you won't let her down again? How do you know that you won't feel smothered and trapped again? My advice would be to stop thinking quite so much about what you do or don't want, for a while, and really think about what she might want & need. She loved you then, so maybe there is a chance that she will again ~ or even that she still does. If so, then there is a chance for you. But she will be wary of being let down again ~ or of being 'burned', as you call it. She will wonder if you will feel smothered & trapped if she takes you back. She will fear having her heart broken again. When you have given her feelings a lot of thought, then think again about your own. Are you sure? Can you even be sure? Maybe it would be good to explain to her that you felt wary of committing too soon, because you didn't want either one of you to get hurt, but that you do care and you do want to try again. But be honest ~ only make promises that you can keep. Only promise to try, if trying is all that you can be sure that you can do. Only tell her you love her, if you are sure that you do love her ~ not because you are in love with an idea, or a memory. Yes, there were good times ~ you could talk easily and had a real connection ~ but remember, those good things were not enough to stop you feeling trapped the first time around. She agreed to see you & to remain friends. Even though she changed her mind about the meetings, I think that this means that she still cares. But she may well be fearful of being hurt again, so you are going to have to convince her that you care about her feelings and that you want to try again. You cannot stop her dating someone else; you cannot make her take you back ~ but you can try. As Lisa said, we all make mistakes. Admit to your mistakes; apologise for them; ask her if she would be willing to give you another chance; give her some time; write to her, but don't pressure her; see how it goes. Good luck! :)

your advice is i good, and i did consider all those things while we were apart. i never stopped thinking about her. As it turns out i was afraid, ive been burned pretty bad a couple times. i never really let my guard down with her,even at times pushed her away. but turns out i burned myself this time. and if i can turn this around i know we could be happy.
the question still remains though...how long should i wait to send her a letter? its only been 3 days since she asked me to leave her alone. wouldnt it anger her more if i tried to contact her so soon?

Maybe like PDM said I am old fashioned, but I think a real physical letter would be really powerful here. They are very rare which makes them even more important. It will take a couple of days to get to her so that will give her some extra time - and then she might take a day or two to open it. She can open it on her own time, when she is ready.

ok physical letter it is, i was thinking i would give it a few weeks to give her time to get over everything. but maybe i should do it now since she might still be thinking about me right?

Yes, I agree that physical letters are special ~ and have more 'power', perhaps.

And yes, they allow her time, so I don't think that it would be a bad thing to write fairly soon.

She may put it down for a while, but pick it up again later.

And it will show her that you have put time & effort into this.

Hope it works out for you both

well i sat down today and typed up a letter to her on my computer,which i intend on hand writing before i mail it to her. I just feel like something might be missing from it. its a little personal, but i want it to come out right so im posting it. i the names and such out so no worries. looking to get some feedback. critisisms,suggestions,etc. Dear , I understand that you’re probably still hurting and angry and I know that it’s hard for you. It's been really hard for me too. I feel as awful and angry as you do right now if not worse because I’m angry at myself. I’m truly heartbroken. At this point you won’t even talk to me anymore... we were getting along just fine before, despite of the break up. It seems like everything changed the moment I told you I loved you? What changed? I want you to know that i never stopped thinking about you after we broke up. what I had, what I gave up, and all the good times we had together...the day we met, the night at the club...and the hospital...and then to my house :).our night at the playground, the picnic in the park, the show you took me to for my birthday, the haunted houses, even the times we spent just laying in my room just watching movies together. I needed time to see that, i needed time to evaluate my life and what was important to me. I took for you for granted, I pushed away the one person that really cared about me because I was scared too fall in love again, because i remembered what it felt like to lose it. I know that you must have felt that way when I left and I know that it hurt. I never meant to hurt you. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes, but I do learn from them. I won’t repeat them again, nor will I ever take you for granted. I hope with a little time you can really forgive me, because I know you haven’t yet. I knew that when you said that you needed some time and some space. I just wanted to fix everything that I that I had broken, so i kept pushing for it. I guess that is why you were so angry when I showed up to that party. It took time to do that damage and I know it will take time to repair it. You once told me that it was easier for you to run than risk being hurt. I think that’s a mistake, because it’s the same one I made with you… you don’t need to run from me. At this point I would be happy if we could just be friends again. I would love to see you soon…When your ready.

Burnedagain, that sounds fine ~ because it is yours & from the heart