My Husband has Lost his Drive
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have been married now for almost five years and I have given my husband two gorgeous daughters. What troubles me is that ever since we found out we were pregnant with our first child, my husband is no longer attracted to me.
It seems as though I am living with a roommate than a spouse. He and I had a conversation just the other night about esthetic hypotheticals. He stated that if I were overweight as a result of medical conditions he would continue to care for and take care of me, but our intimacy would be no more.
What should I do? I am working very hard to become fit, but the task in doing so isn't making me feel confident about myself, it is only making me feel as if I am in a competition I cannot win. I have started obsessing about exercise, food, and the clothes I need to wear. I have also started obsessing about plastic surgery. I do not feel this is normal behavior, nor do I enjoy crying myself to sleep sometimes because I am not perfect even though he will ocassionally say "You are looking better."
I feel as if I have hit an obstacle that is too large for me to push. What should I do?
First off, the passion that happens in new relationships simply doesn't last for decades. If it did, we would all burn out like cinders! Instead, the heavy new-love feeling mellows into a more solid love that is exactly like being best friends. That always SHOULD be the core of any relationship - best friendship. So that should be greatly valued instead of dismissed.
I have a page here on stages -
So that's part of it. Next, it's VERY common for partners to change how they view each other once they are "Mommy" and "Daddy". Think about it. You grow up for 20 years of your life thinking of Mommy and Daddy as non-sexual creatures that you love. It's a completely understood and normal. In comparison you have 'hot young things' for sex. So then when the 'hot young things' become "Mommy" and "Daddy", it's very natural for the whole mentality to shift into the non-sexual situation. It's what you were trained to think your entire childhood.
And third. Guys NATURALLY lose their testosterone as they age. They don't like it!! But their sexual desire diminishes greatly. So they need more and more aid to get excited. Instead of realizing it and taking steps (Viagra etc) it's much easier to just say "Oh well SHE is less exciting so that of course is why I don't respond". It's much easier to say "She isn't young and sexy any more" than to say "My sexual function is pretty much gone". While women's sexual levels keep growing and peak at age 40, a guy's sexual levels peak at around age 18 and then plummet.
So anyway, he has TONS of things working against him. And you're pushing him on the issue, in essence saying he's not enough of a man, so he's being defensive and trying to make excuses. Which won't solve anything.
I would stop obsessing about how you look. If you are overweight, I would definitely work on becoming a healthy weight, for normal health reasons. It's amazing how many years of your life you lose by being overweight. I'm personally on a low carb diet and lost 20 pounds in 2 months so I would really recommend that as being easy to follow and quite successful. But I wouldn't take that as the REASON for all of this.
Instead, I would address the real issues that are probably going on here. One, he's getting older and simply losing the ability. Two, your relationship has matured and solid love is more critical than hot sex. Three, you probably settled into the Mommy and Daddy roles and he has trouble reconciling that with you *also* being a sexual partner.
I have tons of advice on my site about reigniting the passion. The thing you CAN work on (besides getting him to a doctor to talk about his libido) is to make your world a sexier one. This doesn't involve plastic surgery. It involves romance, snuggling, romantic movies, weekends away. Your kids are important - but if you two aren't happy PARENTS you are going to turn your kids' childhood into one full of awful examples and bad memories. You two need to be happy, fulfilled PEOPLE in order to set a good example for your kids, so THEY grow up happy.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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