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We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain



Low Self Esteem



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm 22 years old and I've been going out with a great guy for nearly a year now. The problem in our relationship is not only jealousy but more of my boyfriend beeing oversensitive.

He has a low self-esteem and so I compliment him 20 times a day. I tell him what a wonderful person he is, how smart he is, funny, intelligent, good looking, etc. I want him to feel special.

I'm not an ugly looking girl and so I do get attention from the opposite sex but I don't act on it. I go to work, school and the gym. I don't go out without him. I don't flirt with men or see any friends without him around me. In other words he knows exactly what I do, and for the most part he's next to me. But we fight.

We fight because if someone approaches me, I'm being nice to them, or because when someone asks me over the phone what I did over the weekend, I usually say something like "not much" and he'll get mad because I did not include him in my answer. He basically tells me how I should handle approaching me men, my male friends etc.

My mistake was that I was very honest with him, and so if a male friend asked me out, I would tell him. I thought being honest was a good thing, but then I would get blamed for basically not telling them flat out "fu.. off". But that's not how I am.

The other issue is him being oversensitive. He cries from time to time when he's upset. I recently adopted a small kitten, and my boyfriend was taking care of it at my parents house for 3 days. As soon as my family started taking care of it (feeding it, petting it, etc) he started crying. He was so jealous that someone else was touching the animal. He was so mad at everyone for loving the cat, as if he wanted the cat to be all his.

Almost everynight that we get the chance to sleep next to eachother, he holds on to me so tight, as if I was going to vanish the next morning. He doesn't want to get a job because that would make us see less of eachother and he can't stand that.

I feel so helpless.




RomanceClass.com Advice
It is VERY serious when a partner has that low self esteem, because as you see he becomes very controlling and can become abusive. He thinks of you as his property, worries greatly about losing you and then becomes demeaning almost because he wants you to always stay dependent on him and not feel like you're able to go off. The whole "not going to work" is a part of that. Who knows who you might meet there! You could find someone new and leave him!

This is an INCREDIBLY unhealthy way to live and can seriously damage the way you look at yourself. You definitely do NOT want to bring young kids into this relationship!! I would seriously talk to a therapist about this. Mabye tell him that you want to go to help YOU become less jealous or something. But get him into a therapist's office and talking about this relationship. This isn't something you can fix. It is something that HE has to fix but he is going to need help. Either that or you will have to leave him because NOBODY can live with that kind of a situation for long.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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