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We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain

Jealous about Her Sexuality

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend spent the year and a half before we started dating sleeping around. By around I mean just about everywhere. This was a small point of tension for me in the begining of the relationship but it has become a huge problem for me. Although I have had partners in the past my experiences they pale in comparison. I feel like Ben Affleck in "chasing amy." Whose character I hated before this relationship.

There are constant reminders of her past life and each one litteraly makes me ill. I love her, and she's convinced me she feels the same way but I can't bring myself to move on. We have talked about this several times but each time, the conversation becomes more pointless. She knows I hate her past and I know there is nothing she can do about it. What can "I" do to make this better.

RomanceClass.com Advice
It is simply amazing how much society has made an issue about female sexuality. We may be in the year 2003, but in many ways the way women are supposed to have sex is based on medieval feelings. If you were a girl and it was your GUY partner that was very sexual before, things would be fine. It would be considered "normal". But because you're a guy, you feel like you have to be "more experienced" sexually and that to be "less experienced" therefore is embarassing and bad.

But think about it. This is all part of the "men must be better" hook that society feeds us. If she had a great job and made lots of money, and the only job you could find was working as a secretary, would you feel guilty about that? Even though if the jobs were reversed it would feel fine? If she had a lot of money and could take you out to dinner and movies a lot, would you feel badly that she was paying the bills? Even though if the situations were reversed you would feel normal buying the dinners?

You are both PARTNERS in your relationship. You both have pasts that made you what you are now! One of the KEY things in any relationship is to accept each other fully for what you are - good, bad and ugly. You can't just pick and choose what things about each other you are going to take. You take the WHOLE PERSON. If you love what she is now then you MUST love what she was before because it helped shape her into what she is now. She COULD NOT be what she is now if she didn't have her past experiences. She probably wouldn't have ended up with you if she had not made the choices she did before because ONE of her choices was to date you!

If you really and truly cannot accept her fully, then I would talk to a therapist. Life is too short to destroy a great relationship because of "I must be the king in the relationship" mentalities. Even a few weeks with a therapist might help you get a better handle on just what is important in life - and that is fully, completely and 100% acceptance of the person you are a parter with. This isn't something you can fake or pretend at. Either you get through this and really accept her - or your relationship will dissolve as this issue drives a wedge between you two.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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You both have pasts

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