I Have a Crush on a Local Boyfriend - But I'm In a Long Distance Relationship
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've never asked an anonymous source for help before, but I need some no B.S. advice on my current situation. I'm a 23 year old female with a boyfriend of almost 3 years - it started at college and now we're struggling through a long-distance relationship. I love him dearly and we have the usual ups and downs of most relationships. We've talked about plans for the future so we're relatively serious.
I also have a male friend of 2 years who I recently (in the past few weeks) have developed a terrible crush on. I cannot stop thinking about him and I feel as though it's getting out of control. He has asked me recently if I've had crushes on people while being with my current boyfriend - I said yes and skirted having to say who it was. We have a very open and honest relationship - I mean REALLY honest. I feel like I should tell him the truth, but my feelings for him are confusing the issue. I need some objective and real advice for what I should do.
I can't say I would leave my boyfriend to be with this person, but my feelings are REALLY intense. I'm not sure where it's coming from or what to do. I love this friend very much and it just recently changed into something non-platonic. I'm shocked, confused and need help.
This is REALLY common and is probably the #1 cause of long distance relationship breakups. The problem with long distance is that (obviously) your love is not with you for day to day needs. Everybody needs to cuddle, to be held, even occasionally. We humans enjoy touch. Also, there are movies to see, restaurants to visit, walks in the woods to take. These are important parts of life. If your love is far away you can try to simulate some of these things, but they are much more potent in person.
So as much as you try to maintain that long distance love, if someone is even just "almost as good" but in person, the local person has a HUGE advantage. It's not that you don't love the far off person. It's just that, honestly, they are far off. And there's only so much loneliness that a person can generally take before they would rather have a real life human in their life.
You need to make a decision - to go with the local guy and see how it develops, or to stick by the long distance guy. If you choose the long distance guy, realize that this will probably happen again and again, for as long as you two are apart. You need to in essence guard against it and make sure you keep that wall up between you and other guys. There are always temptations in life. It is the job of a loyal partner to deliberately avoid them.
I have tips on long distance relationships here -
They can definitely work - but they are rough. And they work best when it's only for a definitely, short period of time. If it's just a never-ending wait, what happens if things really don't work out in the end and you feel like you "wasted" all that time waiting?
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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