RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating I really need some advice.

Okay, I'm new here and I saw your website, and here's my background info for some well-needed advice on what to do.

I'm dating my boyfriend for the fourth time. The first two times he broke up with me 'cause I told him I'd try and do intimate things with him, but I got scared and chickened out at the last minute and ended up not doing it.

The third time was me breaking up with him 'cause my best friend's little sister made a fake MySpace account (Which I honestly didn't know about.) pretending to be some girl who had interest in him. They exchanged messages, and said best friend showed me a print out of what it said. Basically it was stated from my boyfriend that he was single, she was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and topped it off with his house number and cell number. I broke up with him, but he was high, and didn't care. My best friend wanted to get revenge by playing the 'best friend rebound' by calling him and telling him how much she liked him. (She didn't really like him, just pretending) He ended up flirting like CRAZY with her.

Well, last summer (2009) I wasn't dating him. I'd dated his ex-best friend (They're ex-best friends 'cause my current boyfriend told ex-best friend that he didn't want him dating me. Well the ex-best friend never told me about their little deal thing, and I ended up dating him for a week.) before, and we didn't hit it off great. I'd sent some pictures of myself to the ex-best friend because I didn't think my current boyfriend and I would get back together, so I went a little too happy with being single. I was trying to appease my hurt feelings by trying to find someone who I thought would make it better. It didn't. I didn't have feelings for the ex-best friend, but I tried to feel like I did, failed miserably and realized that what I did was a very stupid thing that I wished I could take back the next day. (It all happened in one night.)

Over July 4th holidays, we started talking and hanging out, getting back together in October. He confessed that he screwed TWO different girls, claiming he was under the influence and was very, very sorry; that he'd realized how stupid he'd screwed up and what he lost after I broke up with him.

The hard part is, is that I wanted to confess what I did. I told him on the phone that I wanted to tell him something, but I wasn't ready to yet, and that we should put our relationship on hold until I was ready. He kept pushing for what I wanted to tell him because he didn't believe in putting relationships on hold. Out of cowardice of losing the 'security blanket' that I've made him into, the pressure he kept putting on me, and stupidity for lying to him, I told him basically different variations of the incident that happened. From July to October. Now he doesn't trust me. He keeps throwing my mistakes in my face, and when he brings up my past mistakes, I remind him that what he did was certainly no better, he then gets abusive. Verbally and only twice physically. I finally told him the truth, and he said that 'cause I lied so much, he could hardly trust me. (I don't blame him, but he's lied to me before and I try my hardest to trust him when he sometimes shouldn't be trusted)

His respect for women has risen since we first met, but it by no means is the greatest.

I'm greatly in love with him, and everything about him, including his flaws, but the lying, yelling, abusive nature in him is something I can't stand.

Since I've known him for roughly two years and dated him without breakups for that long, I have adopted some of his qualities and became more like him. I'm more jealous, more snappy when it comes to arguments, and I've had a more sense of wanting freedom because he doesn't want me talking to other guys. He CHOOSES not to talk to other women, but I tell him it's fine, that we live in a coed world, but he wants me to CHOOSE to not talk to other guys. I find that hard to follow since there's going to be men in almost every aspect of my life...

What I'm really asking is, is there any hope of us staying together, living a happy life? Also, is it possible that I could help him with his anger? Could I also turn back in to the bubbly person I used to be instead of being his 'rule follower' so to speak? I seriously need some advice.

Thanks.

Hi and welcome Sikedelikk .

I don't know what these pictures were that you speak of, but sending them to a boy that you don't even like very much doesn't sound like a good idea. But what's done is done. The important thing now is what you do about this relationship.

Some of the things you have said would give me cause for concern.

Could you tell us how old you and this boyfriend are, please?


If a boy breaks up with a girl because she is not ready for a sexual relationship, then he simply cannot care for her very much, in my opinion. He may well feel that he has physical needs, but these should not mean that he tries to force the girl he supposedly cares for to do things against her will.


Abuse is not good.
Verbal abuse is really bad and shouldn't be tolerated.
Physical abuse should certainly never be tolerated.
If the relationship is abusive already, then it could get a lot worse.


So, even though his respect for women is increasing, he is still abusive and controlling?


You love hom.
He lies and yells and is abusive.
This is a pattern that I think many women would find familiar ~ usually those who live in fear of violence for themselves and their children.


You do not like his angry and abusive personality, yet you find yourself adopting his ways. Can this be good?
You feel that you want more freedom, but he is trying to control who you speak to. Can this work?


But that's not a choice is it?
That is a demand.


He has anger problems.
You used to be bubbly.
You now follow his rules.
You are no longer the real bubbly you.
How, do you think, you could take charge of his anger situation, when you are losing your own personality to his abusive one?


I feel for you, but you must be very careful.
Many women have committed themselves to men they really loved, who they thought they could change, but they (and their children) ended up in a violent and controlling situation, from which they found it very difficult to escape.

If this young man is to control his anger, then the best thing would be for him to go to anger management classes and counselling. Experts may be able to help him.
Maybe then things could be more positive for the two of you, but not as it now stands ~ not in my opinion.

Take care.

The many reasons I've stated before concern me as well, but like the saying goes, 'We cannot help for who we fall in love with'.

I've fallen in love with a controlling, abusive person.
He's still got some growing up to do since he's just hit the legal age of adulthood, and I have lots of room to grow up as well.
There's actually a pattern of abusive dating/marriage in my family.
But I just wanted to break the chain and help him overcome that anger, even if it meant sacrificing some of my happiness to help him achieve it.

It's true that I've adopted some of his qualities, but everyone adopts good and bad qualities their whole life. (i.e. parents, friends, teachers, basically role models.)

I'm not trying to disproving your arguments.
I agree on most of the things you've stated.
My relationship isn't the safest, fairest, or smartest to be in.
When the good times do poke out from behind the cloudy forecast though, it's like, the most amazing feeling.
But then the next day, he'll try and be all technical and argue with me on almost everything.

Now, I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but I am smart enough to realize that this relationship isn't going to last all that long.

And coming to terms with that makes me feel depressed because all the effort I've put into this relationship is going to be for nothing, unless he decides to change.
And the problem with that is, he's got to want to change on his own, and I'm afraid that his anger, jealousy, and immaturity is going to stop him from moving forward.
):

"but like the saying goes, 'We cannot help for who we fall in love with'. I've fallen in love with a controlling, abusive person..... There's actually a pattern of abusive dating/marriage in my family. But I just wanted to break the chain and help him overcome that anger, even if it meant sacrificing some of my happiness to help him achieve it."

We can't help who we fall in love with, but we can help who we choose to stay with for the good of ourselves - and it seems to me just from reviewing over the above, that this relationship doesn't seem to be for the good of you - or really both of you. You can't get involved in a relationship expecting someone to change because you want them to change. It seems to me that you might have been drawn to this attraction/feeling for him because of what has gone on with you in the past. Maybe you should consider talking to a counselor or a therapist to try and sort through some of these feelings - this might help you with your current situation and down the road.

No one should ever be subject to abuse, no matter it be verbal or physical - it's not acceptable.

"It's true that I've adopted some of his qualities, but everyone adopts good and bad qualities their whole life. (i.e. parents, friends, teachers, basically role models.)"

You can adopt qualities from people you meet in life, but you can also choose to NOT adopt certain qualities if you see how they may have negatively impacted you or someone else. I have chosen not to react to certain situations after seeing how my parents have reacted. My parents fuses are very short and I have learned that's not the best way to deal with things - so I have instead decided to look at things more rationally and logically and calmly. This has done wonders for discussions I've had with people over the years about things we both disagree about - but that's just a small example.

Will you be able to realize when his immaturity will stop him from moving forward? Do you believe you're strong enough to get out of the relationship if things don't change? Will you be safe if you choose to leave him - do you have a support system in place?

Good luck and be safe.

I agree completely with MW1 here. For example we may love chocolate ice cream. But we choose not to eat it 24 hours a day. We *definitely* as mature adults make decisions about what to do with our lives and that includes most importantly who we allow into them. If this person is abusive then you need DISTANCE. You should never, ever let yourself be abused. That is an absolute minimum statement.

It's fine to say you're attracted to him. You'll be attracted to MANY men in your life. But you cannot let him BE with you if he is going to abuse you.