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Cry with me
for as long as i can remember, ive always known that my girl is out there somewhere. i knew what she looked like; not on the outside, but what her soul looked like. thats why i have always been so infatuated by eyes. almost every girl i see, i try and make eye contact. no matter her race, weight, height, or creed. i believed that with one look into her eyes and into her soul, i would know. right then and there i would know that she was "that girl." you know the one i'm talking about. the girl that makes everything you say and do matter. the one that makes you do things that all the drugs in the world could never talk you into doing. well i was right. i found her. as cheesy as it sounds, it was love at first sight. now i didn't know it was love, i just knew it was something. i have been in love before, but it was the love you develop over time. when you are in the company of someone long enough, you can't help it but love them. but thats not the love i wanted, so it couldn't last. i'm going to tell you about how i fell in love, or mabey im just telling myself because it still seems like a dream. to get this started, im going to take you back about two months before we ever spoke. i was twenty-five. and had just moved back into my parents house six months prior. now my parents have four kids and a three bedroom house. it was crowded even before i moved back in. i slept in the livingroom, on the floor, using some old couch cushions as a bed. so need less to say, i wanted to move out again. day in and day out, all i ever did was go to work and come home. for some reason one day i decided to go online to the chat rooms. now i have never been a big fan of them, but i figured what the hell. i just needed somebody to talk to. i was feeling a little lonely, and could use a freind. now i have friends, and some that are very close to me, but i wanted to talk to somebody that didn't know me. unbias if you will. for about thirty minutes or so, i was having no luck. until i read her profile. one thing she had writen caught my attention. it said "i might spit like a guy, but i hit like a girl." so with reading that, i had to send her an instant message. i never was fond of the whole "a/s/l" bullshit, so i said, "so you spit like a girl, huh?" little did i know, that she was so caught of guard, that she closed all the im's she was in and focused on talking to me. at this time, neither one of us knew what that message from me was going to bring about. she was living in my home town, but on a different side. i lived close to downtown, and she was on the southside, almost at the edge of town. we chated almost everyday, for about 3 weeks, when a lady at my job told me that she had a one room house that i could rent from her. oh man, i was so excited. i can finaly move out of this house. now it just so happened that where i was moving to was only about a mile from devin. i wasn't going to use her real name in this story, but she will never read this, and you will never know her so i think its ok. well it took about three weeks before i could move into my new place. now me and devin had been getting along like we were old friends. she was so much fun to talk to, but i never thought of it as anything more that a good friendship. so after i got moved in and everything, i decided to have a kinda housewarming party. now this place is small so i could only have a few people over. of course devin was the first person i invited over. i also asked my brother to stop by, and he brought three friends with him. during the time we spend chating online, i never asked for a picture of devin, because we were getting along so well, i really didn't care what she looked like. honest. but i did send her a picture of me. well everthing was going good. that is untill she showed up. with me not knowing what to expect of her, looks wise, i was thrown for a loop when she turned out to be absolutly beautiful. she was wearing a red strech sweater, witha white shirt on underneath. a pair of tight, form flatering blue jeans, and a pair of white and blue kswiss shoes. that outfit when very well with her small, soft lips, long brown hair, and pale skin. now when i say pale skin, i'm not talking about near death pale. i'm talking about pale like a full moon in a clear, cool summer night. the kinda moon you can only see around mightnight, in july. i haven't told you about the best part of her aperence yet. her eyes. oh my dear god, shoot me now, i'm lost in space. you have heard the saying, " she had stars in her eyes", well that is not the case with devvy. her eyes are stars. so big and so bright. they are the most beautiful eyes i will ever see. as you may have noticed i have not told you the color. thats because, believe it or not, i'm color blind. yes i have told you the color of the clothes she wore the first time i saw her, but only because i asked her at a later date. now back to her eyes. acording to dev, they are green, but not an ordanary green. a deep emerald green. these are the eyes i've been searching for. let me go ahead and tell you, i loved her. that was all it took. but dont get me wrong, i didn't know it right away. i was so captivated by them, so lost in their beauty, that i was oblivious to the fact that i loved her. i knew something was wrong with me, i just didn' know what it was. all that time chating with her online when right out the window. it was like meeting your first child right after birth. i didn't know what to do, what to say, hell even think. but what i did know was that it would be a moment i would never forget. about five days later, it hit me. she was in my thoughts constantly, i wanted to grab her and kiss her so bad, my body hurt from the will power it took to keep my lips of hers. and a few short weeks later, we started dating. let me tell you how i finaly knew what my emotions were showing me. i was dreaming about me and devin going to get some food. im not sure where we were going because we never made it. she was driving, i was in the front seat next to her. talking back and forth, having a good time. when all the sudden a car just appeared in front of us. i don't know how fast we were going, and i dont think it would have mattered. the car in front of us was stoped and boom, we hit it. the whole crash went in slow motion. i smashed my head into the dashboard and was bleeding from my right eye, but otherwise ok. devin on the other hand was not so fortunate. she was thrown through the windshield past the steering wheel and onto the car we hit.the glass had cut her up so bad, she was covered in more blood than i think she even had in her body.the whole front end of her car was smashed and my legs were broken and stuck. i was screaming at her to tell me she was ok, but she just laid there. i couldn;t get my damn legs free to help her. there was so much blood around her that she just slid off the other car. all the sudden my legs healed and i could get out of the car. i ran to her but she wasn't there. then i woke up crying and biting my pillow. im about to cry now, that dream was so scarry. thats when i realized that i couldn't live without her. i dont even know what time this was, but i stayed up the rest on the night and all the next day scarred and happy at the same time.god i wanted to call her so bad, but she would not be waking up till about noon or so. that was one of the longest days of my life. i was so going to tell he about my dream and how i loved her, but then i thought about it and decided to wait for the right time. i didn't know how she felt and i didnt want to scare her. for the next part of this story, i need to tell you some more about devin. she grew up in new york. her mom lived her in florida, so she had been here before. she spent a few years in school here, sixth grade, eighth grade and some of high school. but she hated it. she wanted to be back in here home town in NY. from about fifteen she was with a guy there. i will leave his name out, because i dont know him. she fell in love with him and they were together for about five years. the two of them moved to north carolina for whatever reason. things when south with them, so she left him and moved in with her mom here. this was about a week before i first imed her. so she has been wanting to go back home since she got here. with that in mind i will continue. everything was going good for about two months, then she found out that some friends of hers back home were coming back into town from the military. they are brothers and their mom was going to throw them a welcome back party. devin was invited, but she lives so far away. well over the next few weeks the mom decided to pay for the plane ticket so devvy could be at the party. and with this news dev decided to use it as an opertunity to hang with her old friends. she would be gone for ten days. i was upset because i didnt want to spend that much time without her. i think that i was getting pissy because of this, and she soon got that way also. so one night, about three days before she was to leave, we talked for about four hours on the phone and broke up. she wanted to be single when she went back to see all her friends. i understood this, because she hasn't been single since she was fifteen, and now that she's twenty she wanted to see what it was like. i was ok with that, but i had hoped that when she got back to florida we could get back together. boy was i wrong.she got back i town late, so we talked the next day. she told me in an instant message and on the phone that there was something she really needed to talk to me about. right away i was thinking that she had slept with some guy and wanted to tell me. which i could handle, hell i was already prepared to hear that. that would have been fine. next i started thinking that she was going to move back to NY very soon. i have always known that she was going to move back but i had hoped it would be further down the road. with as strong as i knew my love for her was, i was going to move to NY just to be near her. but if it was this soon, i had no time to get everything ready for that. so after a while i was somewhat ready to hear that. now i have heard some disapointing shit in my life, from my dad telling me to get outof his house when i was fourteen to my birth mother telling me that i was not allowed to come to her funeral. my grandmother told me that both my mom and dad wanted me aborted, but she wouldn't let it happen. the judge told me that i would be spending nine months in jail on-top-of the four months i havd already been there. which included my eightennth birthday, christmas, new years, and my brothers bithday. so as you can see i have been told some "bad news" in my life. with everything i have heard, i never got the sinking feeling you heard about on tv. until now. when devin came over that day and finaly told me what she want to say, my heart fell to the floor. while she was in NY she met a guy. im ok with this so far. the two of them spend almost the whole ten days together. i'm still ok. but yesterday they started going out. holy fucking shit. i didn't see that coming. give me a gun. for a few seconds i was lost and wanted to die. but i stayed calm, i knew it would be no good for her to see me get upset and start crying.so i kept it all inside untill after she left that night, then i lost it.after a few hours of crying, i started thinking. how selfish am i? what gives me the right to feel mad and upset that she found somebody else.i love her, but that doesn't meen she has to love me.so i asked my self what did i really lose. she still wanted to hang out with me, still wanted us to be close, still want me a part of her life. so really all i lost was being able to sleep with her. that was fun, real fun, but she is more to me than that. so then i had to decide if i could still be as good of a friend to her as i have been before this. you're goddamn right i can. she is happy with him, and all i really care about is to see her pretty smile. so what makes her happy, makes me happy. the hard part for me now is, do i tell her that i love her? i don't know if thats a good idea because i don't want her to think i trying to come between her and her man. but if i dont tell her, then i might lose my mind. also it might change things for us. its been twelve days, and i'm holding strong. now i know what i lost that i hate. i can't kiss her. god love her kisses. there is one good thing that came from this, i have found the girl i will always love. most people never will know exactly what i'm talking about. but if you do, then cry with me. just make sure they are tears of joy because you never know what the future holds. you just never know.
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