Saying Sorry @ RomanceClass -|
I pray you never see this and never find out what I did. You could never hate me more than I hate myself every day, and I know you can see its killing me as physically/personality wise and career wise I know it is showing. But I need to voice how I feel. When you went away to work in the army I was shattered, I tried to talk to you.. but you never had time to hear what I said or the tolerance to listen. I tried to tell you for months that I was unhappy but you wouldn't listen you told me to find a way to cope.... unfortunately I did... Talking to you on the phone and never seeing you made me miserable I missed you beyond all belief I cried every time I was alone. When I said I wasn't coping with you working away I REALLY wasn't coping. Finally the loneliness became to much... I cheated... I met someone who made me feel important again, loved again... needed. Yes we did have sex, but it wasn't what I was after.. I wanted someone to care, listen, talk to me tell me how special I was, and how they couldn't live without me. I found that. And he is a good man.
But now I find myself torn , your still working away I haven't seen you in months we fight all the time, and I sense you don't want to even come home, and every night I try to tell you how I feel and every night you cut me off and don't have time for me. And every night I cry.
I love you, I do want to be with you, but I find my heart breaking, splitting. I am in love with J too. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially you, and I know we will break up when you find out. I just wish it wouldn't hurt you when you do. I want to try and fix things I just don't know how. I do love you still, I would stand in the line of fire for you and you know it. Just because I love him , doesn't mean I don't love you any less.
Problem is... even though you don't know I cheated I feel deep down in your heart you do. I suck at lying an you know it. And it kills me inside not to be able to be honest with you and try to fix the issue. I never wanted to hurt you, and I know you know my view on cheating and that this was the biggest sin I could have committed and you'll never hate me more than I hate myself.... but you're welcome to try. I love you and will always love you, and I want you to be happy, and I pray that when the relationship ends and it will because keeping this from you is tearing me apart but when it does I hope you never find out so I don't hurt you, I just want you to find happiness, because you deserve it, and all I will cause you is pain. Something I never wanted to do. you deserve to find happiness and find a woman that will love you and be loyal to you, I just wish it'd have been me. I am sorry. If I could turn back time I would. but I wouldn't take back the affair, I know that sounds shocking but I wouldn't, it was what saved me and made me appreciate what I have/had, it made me realise who I am, and who I don't want to be. It made me realise so much about the world, my life, us. If I could change anything I never would have let you work away.
I guess I was angry at you for leaving, I felt abandoned and like you didn't care, that you didn't want to be with me. So I found someone who did. And he is a good man too. We both feel guilty for the current situation and he has told me that whatever choice I decide to make he will respect, whether I chose him or chose to attempt to reconcile with you. I just wish I could make everything better, and I knew what to do. I want everyone to be happy. I wish I knew how to spare you the pain. I am so confused and I wish I could talk to you , hold you and try to make you understand the reasons why. I wish I didn't love you so damn much, because then I wouldn't be dying inside. But I do love you, your my sunshine, and I just wish I knew how to make you happy, and how to spare you the pain of my betrayal.
I pray god forgives me , but more than anything I pray you do too.
I'm Sorry, I love you. xxxx
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