Summer Love almost Destroys a Marriage

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Visitor's Question:
About twenty five years ago I met a young boy over the summer his memory has stayed with me since. Over the years I did get married and have children two are now grown and I have one small daughter.I did seek out that old summer love and it turned out that he only lived about 40 miles from me he never married. After about a year of friendship we bacame closer and closer I began having a affair with this man. This affair lasted about six months.

He had stated that he wanted to move forward and wanted me to move forward with him offering marriage he wanted me to leave my husband and move me and my little girl right in. I felt that moving my child right in like that could be devastating to her as well as the pain it would cause my husband and grown daughters. I felt that my selfish act could shatter so many worlds I really needed to think this through. But there was really only one answer I had to let my summer love move ahead without me.

I ended up going away for 10 days visiting my sister. I was still speaking to my friend, he was begging me to try and figure something out. I knew he had already made plans for some girl from another country who he never met only chatted with on the internet to come here to the U.S. Within 10 days they were married - we never said goodbye.

I can't blame anyone but myself but the pain of losing someone who was always in my heart all that time is killing me. I cry everyday. I suppose I deserve it. I can't help but feel like yesterdays trash. I did confess all to my husband who chose to forgive me. he wants me to move ahead with him and put this behind us.

I'm having a real hard time trying to forgive myself could you help me with that

Our Suggestion:
It really sounds like you were idealizing the relationship with this other guy. He was your "dream summer love", which are notorious for celebrating the good and ignoring anything troublesome. Then he was your 'great affair' where you had fun and romance. But the moment that you said you needed to keep it at a friendship level, he zoomed off and married someone else. So obviously, when he was pouring his heart out and claiming to be fully in love with and dedicated to you, he already had someone else waiting for him in the wings.

While it's fun to have fond memories, you need to be realistic too. This guy isn't what was in your heart - your dreams of the ideal love were. You had turned him from a normal boy into a vision of romance. And it sounds like you did the same thing with the adult version you found.

I would find a therapist and do some serious talking about this. You need to learn that what you dreamt about all those years was the ideals of love - and that your husband, who has stayed by your side and loved you - can easily fit into that position.

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