Dealing with Jealousy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Femaleok i've read almost every question here because i know i am a jealous person and it has gotten me out of control. i have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world and i wouldn't want to loose him because of my insecurities.. we've been going out for 9 months now and im trying to control my every urge of jealousy but i just don't know where to start??
i know its based on trust and communication, but what do we actually talk about?? we both know i have this problem and we've recently talked about it and i told him i would do my very best to change... but where do i start? how do i change???
RomanceClass.com AdviceI have a ton of information on Jealousy here -
http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/jealousy/index.asp
It's very good that you're actively working on this because, as you saw in the other questions, jealousy can completely destroy a relationship that was otherwise perfect!
You ask what to talk about. The point isn't that you guys just babble mindlessly because you need "to talk". :) The point is that you guys should always be sharing how you feel, what you worry about, what you hope for, what you dream about, so that you always know what each other is thinking. If your boyfriend is really hoping that in 6 months he gets a new job and moves to another state, it would be something very important for you guys to discuss! If you were feeling a bit lonely when he left and wished he didn't leave for so long, you should tell him!
It's those little worries and hopes and dreams and fears you talk about. That way they don't grow into BIG situations before anybody knows about it. There are tons and tons of relationships that fall apart and one person says "I never knew anything was wrong". That's because the other person never mentioned the issue, thinking it was minor. But unless you talk about minor issues, they become major issue without you realizing it, and then they cause serious problems.
So talk about things you feel, things you want, things you like, things that bother you. Talk about the movies you want to see, the way that you felt about movies you've already see, the hobbies you are interested in learning more about, the plans you have for your future.
Saying "I will change" is a nice thing - but you need to sit down and actually take active steps. Any time you start to feel jealous - THE VERY SECOND IT STARTS - stop and think about it. Don't ignore it, don't let it build. Ask yourself why? Why do you feel threatened? Remind yourself that you should NOT feel threatened by whatever it is. And actively do things to make you feel good about yourself!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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