she kissed him... and says she feels bad for it

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I came home from work on Saturday evening with the understanding that my girlfriend was going out with some of her girlfriends from work. She is an RN in a psychiatric hospital. She came home at about 1:00 AM from her night out and something just didn't seem right. When she laid down, I looked in her eyes and asked what was wrong. She then told me "I didn't know." I was immediately completely awake and my heart sank and skipped two beats. After a little bit of coaxing some info from her, she told me that she wasn't sure about "us" anymore and she just didn't know why. I asked her if I had done something and she told me no, and that I was the absolute best boyfriend she could ever hope for. She mentioned that she worries about my finances (I am in college still, as a senior) and it stresses her out. This seemed to be the most significant issue at the moment. I ensured her that I love her with all of my heart and that I would try to manage my finances a little better. (I don't make a ton of money, and we live together and the bills are split between us. There are times that she has to spend a little bit more money because I simply didnít make a lot at work for that month.) We then told each other that we loved each other a lot but I still felt that there was something else. I asked her repeatedly if there was someone else, and she responded with a stout "no". I kind of believed her, but was still just a bit skeptical. We then went to sleep and I had the assumption that everything would be ok.

We spent the next day with each other. We went out, we set up a Christmas tree, we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. All the while, things seemed ok. We went to bed that night, and again, everything seemed fine. I went to work the next morning and she called me and said she was going to see her best friend who was moving to a new townhouse down the road from her current one. She said that she was going to help her with boxes and stuff. I thought nothing of it. In the past, she never gave me a reason to not trust her. When she came home that night, about 10:30, she cuddled with me really closely in bed. When I looked at her, her eyes told me something. I asked her what was wrong, and then for some crazy unknown reason, made the comment: "you didn't go see your best friend did you?", she responded with : "I did, but I went somewhere else too". Again, I was completely wide awake and my heart skipped about 3 beats this time and really began pounding hard. She told me that she went to the house of someone that she works with. He made her dinner and they watched TV for about an hour and talked a little. When I asked her if she did anything, she said he kissed her good bye. I truly believe she did nothing else with this person. When I asked her "why?", she said she didn't know and that was starting to not feel the same way about me anymore. She said that she was starting to catch herself looking for something better even though she had something great here at home. We talked all night about how much I love her and how great we were together and how I didn't know where it went wrong. I soon found myself fighting for her. I found myself trying to convince her to choose me. I asked when this all began and she said that it began almost a month ago at a drug information dinner sponsored by the hospital. She said she became attracted to this guy while she was there and they talked a little, and he asked her out. She said no at first but then agreed after his persistent questioning. They went out on the previously mentioned Saturday night with the girls from work.

I seem to have convinced her to try and work this out with us, but almost can't shake this feeling that Iím going to lose her in the long run anyway. She called him and said that she couldn't talk to him anymore, and she told me that when she did that, it was really hard for her. That tells me that she has feelings for this guy, and I donít think that I will be able to compete with him. I'm worried that I will lose her and I don't want that to happen. She is my everything, and she always will be. I love her more than anything on this planet and she knows that. She tells me that she loves me too, but just feels a little bit different now. (Could it just be a crush on this guy making her feel that way?) She then tells me that she is willing to try to work this out and try to get those feelings back that she somehow lost. But she then also tells me that she is so, so worried that she wonít get them back and that she will really end up hurting me a lot more in the end. I donít want her to think like that. I would hope that she would try to think positively and think that things will work out and that she will get those feelings back. What can I do to help her realize that what she has with me is truly all she will ever need? How do I get her mind off of this person and back onto me so that we can continue what we have. This is killing me inside, but I have forgiven her for what she did. Please give me some advice as to what I should do to not lose her. Thank you. Advice
One thing that might help is for you to relax a little.

Being uptight over this will just make things unsettled between you two. Try to continue on doing what you did and interacting as you did. This will have a calming and restorative affect.

You didn't say so, but my guess is this guy is older than you are, so you should be sure to put forth a mature response to what is going on. It sounds like you are doing ok in that regard.

This is probably a temporary crush and also some adventure for her.

See if you can put some adventure into her life this holiday season... maybe a daytrip or weekend away together.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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