Why not work together to solve Jealousy
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old FemaleI am the jealous one. I have had bad experiences with internet cheating etc. My BF know this. He is very charming and often co-workers crush on him. He has sent me copies of emails before joking about this. I am also attractive, but avoid flirting because I don't want to give wrong impression to anyone. I love my BF.
I think he should also behave in way not to invite flirting/crushes. But he disagrees.
Although I think "I" should not be jealous, I think we could work together to fix my confidence, but he refuses and said it is 100% up to me and he will not deal with it.
BTW historically, he told me that guys never have "girl friends" unless they really want to sleep with them, and that "just a touch could set it off". Now he says that was a joke....
Here are my issues:
For example, one week he told me his co-worker (male) said "too bad you have GF, all the girls in the office are in love with you". (Here he could add (at least to me) --- "I told him {too bad} my GF is the best -- which would make me feel good)
The following week I asked him to lunch around noon, he said he was not hungry. Later that afternoon, I ran into him with several of his co-workers leaving same restaurant as I was entering at about 2PM. One girl had hand through his elbow (We work 2 blocks apart)He said he got hungry later and assumed I ate at noon. (I think he could have checked back with me first to be nice and avoid my impression that he was being sneaky)
Then he mentioned to a single friend of ours that he should come to happy hour to meet some girls that work with him. Friend said "are they cute" and he said "definitely". (Why say this in front of me)
Another day he told me he was having issues with this same girl at work being rude and causing tension in office. Later that week he said she had come and apologized. No biggie, boring work story. I said, well at least she acknowledged your point, so she must want to have better working relationship. He said "yeah, i'm irresistable" and winked at me-- which I thought was unecessary to story and I guess it showed on my face.
So we go to lunch and he suddenly remembers that he forgot to tell "a co-worker" that a big sale event was ending today and therefore she should go at lunch. He gave me the name of an old woman.. and called her in front of me about the sale. It seemed odd that that "old woman" would want to go to the sale (I know her) so i looked at number. He had lied to me and called the other young girl. He freaked that I looked at phone. I freaked that he could sit in front of my face and call someone after lying to me. (I think he could have said shoot, I told "young girl" that there was a big sale, but forgot to tell her it ends today-- I'm going to call her real quick" -- instead of lying to my face) He said he lies to avoid my feeling bad/being jealous.
Its like a catch 22, he assumes I will be jealous so lies creating less and less trust.
I think he if he was open "hey Im having group lunch with co-workers today" etc... it would be better. And if I act stupidly jealous, he could just deal with it like ("don't worry sweetie, its not as fun as having lunch with you!) That would just make me feel good. But he says he will not "bow to my demands" I never say "how could you go to lunch with others or anything, but he says he "senses my disappointment??!" so would rather not tell me!
I'm going crazy here..... a few words of comfort don't take too much effort...
RomanceClass.com AdviceYour b/f is wrong.
He could easily help ease your jealousy. You don't sound especially jealous to me and you are reasonable in knowing what would help ease it.
On the other hand, he probably reads the situation differently and feels hemmed in by your reactions.
Perhaps you two could compromise. Promise him you will not respond negatively if he is truthful with you. Let him continue to make comments like they are cute and don't complain. Explain to him that those are the two usual situations where you get jealous. So he promises not to lie and you promise not to get upset by stray comments he makes. Guys like to shake on things so offer your hand.
Deal?
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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