Choosing Between Two Guys

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
i'm so confused abou what im going to do. I dont know what im feeling...
i have an amazing boyfriend! who i love. but i also have an incredible ex-boyfriend who was my first love. i have really strong feelings for both of them because they are both great guys. but they are so diffferent! i love being with both because they have different qualities that im attracted to.

Things didnt work out with me and my ex because of mis-understandings. but its not like we werent compatable or anything because we were. but my boyfriend... we've been friends for 3 years and now we're dating and things are so good because our frinedship is keeping us strong.

me and my hadn't seen eachother for 7 months, and we saw eachother 2 days ago... and we kissed. it wasnt just a little peck, it was passionate. and i realized how much i missed him. BUT i was thinking about my bf and how i had betrayed him. and the guilt is eating me up! i dont know what to do about it..
should i tell my bf about the kiss? did i cheat on him?

and what do i do about my ex, i still want us to be friends, but im scared that whenever we get together... we'll get closer everytime.

i love both of them. they're both amazing people.. and i dont want to lose either of them. i dont wanna hurt anyone.. including myself.

and i know that i should really think about who i want to be with, and who i have STRONGER feelings for... but its so hard. and theres so much going on within me...

i feel lost because i've never felt this way. i feel scared because i dont want to lose them. i feel confused because i dont know what to do. Please help me! Advice
First, it's very normal to like more than one guy at least at some point in your life. Like you said, every guy is different. Every guy has his own unique qualities which are good. But life is about making choices. You might really like 10 different colleges - but in the end you choose one and then make the best of it. You might really love the different looks of 4 different prom dresses for your senior prom ... but you finally do choose one and go with it.

Guys are the same way. Yes, there will be all sorts of different guys with different qualities. Some are quiet and romantic. Some are hot and passionate. Some are great dancers. Some are great listeners. But in the end you choose one - that you will really work with no matter what, and accept the bad and good - and you go for it. If you are going to start abandoning one guy any time another interesting one comes along, you will end up lonely and alone - because there will always be someone that seems more interesting. But the guy you *work with for years* on a relationship is the one you can trust, depend on, really rely on.

Which brings us to the next point - you kissing another guy. Of course that is cheating! When you accept a guy's offer to be his girlfriend, you are saying that you are putting him and his emotions and the relationship above all else. For you to run off and kiss another guy passionately is a betrayal of that. How would you like it if you came home one day and he was there kissing another woman passionately? Wouldn't you feel betrayed?

You definitely need to tell him, apologize and promise that it will never happen again. It doesn't matter if you were attracted to your ex or not - it matters that you *gave in* to that temptation. How will he trust you that you won't do more next time? Or that you won't be tempted by another guy and give in again? The point of a commitment is that you honor it. If you can't honor it in the little things, there's little faith that you will honor it in the big things.

If you have that little self control right now I would stay away from your ex. Your boyfriend deserves an honest girlfriend and you are in a relationship. Maybe someday you can be friends with your ex and enjoy being around him. Most of us women have exs in our lives that we care for greatly. But if you are already giving in to kissing the guy, you need to build up your self control and your respect for your relationship before you put yourself into that situation again.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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