Help, he's my bestfriend!
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old FemaleI find myself hopelessly in love, despite all I've tried not to go there. The situation, though seemingly less than unique, is increasingly complicated. My friend and I have worked together since mid december of last year, and since then it's been just the two of us in a small room, unnoticed by the supervisors until it became us against the supervisors. We have grown very close to one another, sharing everything from stupid had to be there stories, to deep dark secrets that we have only relayed to one another. He never lets a single day go by without calling me, every night he is the last person I talk to before falling asleep, and as he has me call in the morning to get him up for work, his is often the first voice I hear when I wake. Until this past weekend, our days off have been spent together, just hanging out and staying over, falling asleep together (several times I've woken up to him watching me sleep). He tells me I am one of his very best friends, and he is definately mine, and as his friend he says he loves me... but friends is where it stays. Early in our friendship he asked me to promise not to fall for him. I said it was a stupid promise, telling him he thought too much of himself, and concluding with, "Of course I promise." But it has never been that clean cut. He loves me as his friend, but is also sexually attracted to me, can't keep his hands off of me, and keeps suggesting that--just as friends--we have sex with one another. As a matter of fact, this is the first weekend in a long time that I have not spent with him because we have decided it would be best for our friendship if we no longer did stay the night together, considering how close we came to having sex the last time. He tries to have sex with me, but will not kiss me, but will sometimes suggest that I kiss him. And though I am never the one to initiate any moves, he somehow manages to attribute the desire solely to me. Now we do have this amazing, wonderful friendship, which I absolutely refuse to forfiet, and he has told me that every other friendship he has tried to have with girls were completely oblitherated when they announced they had feelings for him. But he did not try to sleep with any of them, and never wanted them to stay at his house and spend the weekend with them. In fact, he is not a promiscuous man, and has only ever slept with one girl with whom he was with for three years. And I am still a virgin, so it's not as if he tries to sleep with me because I'm an easy girl. I understand his fear that we will not be friends, as I have had similar experiences with male friends in the past. And I am terrified as well, so maybe I confuse him too. But though he admits to a deep emotional connection, and a strong sexual attraction, he still says he doesn't like me that way... He says our values are too different as he is a conservative republican and I am a liberal democrat, but... what really scares me is how much he tells me I remind him of his ex-girlfriend, whom he grew to despise. He says I remind him of her best traits, but still... and then he'll try to talk to me like one of the guys, "how fine this girl is, and how fine that girl is," or, "You think I can pick up chicks in this hat?" and sometimes like one of the girls, asking me if I think this guy is cute, and should I say yes, he'll ask me if I think he's cuter than he is, or he'll tell me that he is not as cute as he is, or half jokingly reply that he will fight him. But then will say things like, "When you get a boyfriend please don't let him take advantage of you," and, "When you get a boyfriend you have to let me meet him and make sure he's good enough for you." He is the king of mixed messages, and with everything, my head is just spinning, and all I can think is how much I miss him, and want to be with him, how he can make any day all better just by being in it, how--even though this sounds incredibly corny-- he's restored my faith in God, and how the wierdest things about him turn me on so much... his hands, his knees, his ears, his bed head, the sounds he makes at night... I even like the way he snores... Good God, right? He's really the only one I trust, and the only one who makes me feel safe, and as long as he's around I don't want anyone else! But he says he doesn't want me like that, and I don't know what to do. I can't not love him, and it's breaking my heart, but I won't do without him in my life. Can you help me Anne, Please?
Sincerely,
The bestfriend
RomanceClass.com AdviceWell, I'm not Anne but I'll try to help.
You are in a tough situation and I am sorry for that.
He told you not to fall for him and you went right ahead and did. You couldn't help it but now you're stuck. If you push him he may leave you and the other option is to wait it out which is painful and uncertain.
Even if you slept with him, the beneficial results would eventually fade away because he seems to be firmly decided to not commit.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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