Is he just not that into me?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We are both 30 yrs old. We have both been married before. I have been divorced over 6 years and he has been divorced for 2 years. We have a good relationship. He treats me well and spends lots of time with me. The only thing that concerns me is that he is not very affectionate and not very sexual. When we first started dating he was affectionate but he has never been very sexual. I am usually the one who initiates sex. I work 3rd shift so I am not home with him at night except on the weekends. This is the only time we have sex. Usually once a week. And I usually have to start it, every now and then he will, but usually me. He tells me I am naughty if I try to touch him or come on to him during the week. I have tried asking him about it and he said he didnt realize there was a problem cause he has always been the way he is. He said that in his prev marriage they only had sex 5 times in the year they were married. I first thought it was her that didnt want it....but now I am leaning more towards him being the one who didnt want it. I know sex isnt everything, but I cant help but feel completely undesired at times. Should I be worried? I asked him about his view of sex in a relationship, and he said that he knows that it has to be done to make the relationship more than good friends, and that he gets to that level of intimacy in different ways. I am grateful that he isnt all about sex but the lack of desire even when I am clearly trying to throw him all the signals is concearning me? Is this normal? He says he is in love with me and he does do little things to show me he does? Am I worried for no reason or do I have a valied concearn? And what steps do I take to communicate with him my needs without making him feel uneasy about the situation? Advice
He certainly is on the low side of sexual interest.

However, you two are not way out of range of frequency of sex according to sexual surveys. In your age group couples have sex 7 times a month compared to your 4.

Perhaps you should strike a deal... you continue your once a week pattern but then you can choose one extra day during the month. If possible go out to dinner on this special day, or have a candlelight dinner at home. Also, you agree to kiss at least twice a day with a full hug for a minute.

Having said this, there still seems to be a problem with his attitude. If you can convince him, you two would profit by a visit to a professional couple counselor.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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