She Cheated, Now What?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend had group sex and was dishonest with me about her explanation of the incident. After 3 years of a relationship I finally put 2 and 2 together and confronted her about my thoughts and after much agruments and many breakups she admitted she was a willing participant with 3 males.

I am now have extreme difficulties dealing with these facts. 1..that she was involved in the situation and 2 that she lied to me about the situation.I feel foolish, betrayed, and no longer special to her even though she has pleaded with me to accept her true feelings for me, which I do accept but cant get past what seems a massive problem to me.

I feel as though this act must have been the absolute act of erocita and dont know how to compete or compare to this. I dont even know now what emotion I have apart from loving her desperately. Please Help !!! Advice
First off, having group sex is hardly the ultimate act of erotica. It's something she did for fun, but she would rather be with you. To say that she did that one act and therefore can never be satisfied with you is very silly. That's as bad as saying that you will only date virgins because once a person has dated any other human being, they will never be satisfied with you. What a person has done in the past has nothing to do with what they are happy with now. Many people do wild things in their past, sow their wild oats and then settle down to an incredibly happy life with one person.

What she DID do is cheat on you and then lie about it constantly until she was cornered. She only told the truth because she had to. Which means if she does something to betray you in the future you can have no way of trusting her to be truthful with you. You would have to watch her every minute, always be collecting and evaluating evidence and then rub her nose in it before she admitted to her next problem. Which is no way to live.

On the other hand, did she cheat on you? You don't even say she was with you at the time. If she wasn't, what's the big deal? It was in her past, it was before you, and she is now with you. You need to learn to accept ALL of her and to be happy with all of her INCLUDING her past. And then you build a future together.

So if she did cheat on you that is a huge, serious issue and one you have to try to deal with. But if she did NOT cheat on you, you need to learn to accept what she is now and accept what she has done before.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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