Boyfriend is a jerk?

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
Dear George,

This may be a bit long, but it’s necessary! In all my years of looking I finally found the guy! We have been together for almost a year! Our relationship in the beginning moved very fast emotionally and physically, although we never actually went that far, if you know what I mean! Last summer was like a dream. It seemed everyday I spent with him was better then the last. He got me flowers all the time and when I graduated from high school he gave me the sweetest card, but after the heat of summer wore off things started to go sour. In the fall we went to school together first semester and did horrible, due to the fact that we distracted each other and always skipped class. Second semester he got a job, working as a lister for eBay, not his dream job, but it got him through. I went back to school and remained to do horrible, even though he wasn’t there to distract me. During this time I had a lot of doubts, like whether he truly loved me, even though he was clearly crazy about me. I was always testing him and we “broke up” a lot, but never officially. He told me that he was here to stay! For my birthday he took me out to dinner and spoiled me with presents, a cell phone and thoughtful things like glow in the dark stars, because he knew I had wanted to decorate my room with them. He lost his job. The day he lost his job he brought me flowers and candy. Things were hard for him, trying to keep a float, paying his bills and things of that nature. It was like that up until recently. During that time we were fighting a lot, nothing serious. I can’t remember anything specific. We had plans to get married and he was going to save up for a ring, we were serious about it and each other. Though we had sill arguments, we knew we were meant to be. He even spent the Easter with my family and they loved him, so much they joked about adopting him. A week ago we broke up officially, I don’t know why! I broke up with him and I let it go a little too far. I thought I had lost him for good, my best friend said it was a good idea and that we needed to spend time apart! But she has recently gotten over a bad relationship, where her boyfriend of three years cheated on her and broke up with her. She was telling me not to talk to him for 6 months and not to be friends with him for a year, a lot of other stuff too. She had told him to not call me, meanwhile he was ignoring me, so I called up my two close friends who are in their very early 20’s and married to each other! Let’s say their names are Vince and Holly They had a lot to say. First that communication is so important and not talking would not help the situation. Holly was very furious that he wasn’t talking to me and Vince thought that my friend wanted me to be a pity buddy! So they both sent him a Facebook message and he called me. We talked, I apologized and he said he needed time to think. We talked a lot and he said I’m going to take you back, so we were together again. I thought things were fine! We were not fighting and I thought we had cleared the air. I had dinner at his parent’s house, and bonded with all of his siblings and his mother, who loves me! He has a new job, making 30,000 a year. It’s all he has been talking about in the last week, maybe too much, now his parents love him and things are going great. So I guess he felt like he didn’t need me anymore. He messages me on AIM saying you know I love you…very deeply and then bam he goes into saying he needs to think about things. When we got back together we both agreed to take it super slow and that’s what we were doing, this was so neither was pressured into something they didn’t want to do. At first I was agreeing with him, because I was upset and I didn’t want to make it look like it bothered me. He said he wasn’t breaking up with me, but that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back together. Apparently he isn’t sure about us in terms of forever. I told him why do we need to worry about that now, we are both young. Why can’t we just date and not worry about it lasting, let tomorrow worry about tomorrow! He agreed and said I need time to think. So then I say whatever and I get off line. Then I get angry and sign back on. I yelled at him, said a lot of mean things. He was about to sign off, so I ask him why he’s doing this. This is what he said….

give me some room to breathe.
please.
i feel smothered with affection
i love it
and i love you
but i really need to think about this before things get worse
what if i felt like we werent' right for eachother in 2 years?
would that be any better than right now?
it's be a heck of a lot worse
thats why i really need to take the time to figure this out
right now.ok?

My mom thinks it came out of nowhere and I agree! So I sent him a short e-mail, courtesy of my mom, her thought was to take him off the hook and try to get back in the game, because I lost my footing by letting him know he was my world, that’s when he turned the tables. This is all in Dateable. apparently I didn’t take the book as seriously as I should have. He no longer had to chase me anymore. I feel that is where things changed. Here is what I sent

You don't have to give this another thought...just relax because as much as I think of you, I do realize that you are not the boy for me. I just love you and I hope that we can remain friends. Keep in touch!


Anyway she says to play it cool with him! I think he is being a jerk! But the real question is what do you think? Was I wrong? Was he wrong? Or are we both wrong?

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RomanceClass.com Advice
The good thing is that you two are communicating and mostly being honest with each other. That is one of the most important parts of a good relationship.

Maintain a good friendship, and don't smother him, he needs his freedom now and may just need to sow some wild oats. Maybe you should get a new boyfriend too.

In a relationship which is as long as yours, there is rarely one person at fault. It takes two to tango.

In order to get back together, it will take both of you realizing that you are meant for each other and then work at making things better.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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