I didn't like him before, now I do, but he's gone

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
i like this guy who i wasn't interested in before because i didnt know him very well, and i was influenced by my best friend at the time. the guy was a total sweetheart.. a great guy overall. but i didnt think that highly of him at the time because my frineds would tell me that he was a loser and not to go for him... so i didn't.

At a point he asked me out, he realy liked me alot! but i wasnt too fond of him.. so i said no because we didnt know eachother very well. so, that was it. we stayed friends.. things were cool with us and things were going great. and then i realized what a great guy he really was! and i didnt care what my friend had to say because i was really getting to know him and i loved the person that he was. we had made plans to get together one day ...

The next day out of nowhere he had a girlfriend. but i dont understand it because we were super close and we told each other everything.. and he had NEVER mentioned this other girl. so i was in shock of course. i was hurt and very dissapointed. so when i confrented him.. he told me to get over him.. and that he never really liked me, that he only asked me out.. and that he was with his gf now and that was it.

so now we see eachother on a daily basis and its so hard because i know that things wont be the same ever again. i want him to be my friend. i miss him... i want him as a boyfriend too... but i dont know how he feels. what hurts the most is that he denied liking me at all.

i know i cant go tricking a guy into liking me... and now i cant trust any guys because of what he did to me. basically what he did to me was -lead me on, get me all excited about being with him... and then totally forgets about me. and i know that i had the perfect chance to be with him. but the only reason why i didnt take it was because i thought it would be best for the both of us ... because we didnt know eachother that well... and i dont think you can go in a relationship with someone without knowing them. so i wanted us to get closer.. that was it. all i wanted was time. so when i did get to know him... i was too late because he had his gf by that time.

so i need your help... i hate feeling this way! i dont deserve this.. im a young girl who shouldnt be going thru this. im not being fair to myself or to other guys by thinking the worst of them because of what one did to me. i dont like feeling this way... in a way i guess you can say that im playing a role.. because altho im having a great time with my friends... deep down its killing me cause i cant be with him. this is what you call rock-botton. and its sux! i dont wanna feel this way anymore... and i dont know what to do. should i tell him how i feel? should i tell him that im over him? should i forget him? should i say nothing at all? should i move on?

as you can see im very confused! and im desperate... and i dont wanna feel this way much longer... i think i might be in love.. but thats another thing. what is love? i dont know whats going on with me but whatever it is... its never happened before.

i think that the only way i'll get over this is by being with him.. but if that doesnt happen that what am i to do? please help me out... i really need it. i'll greatly appreciate it! thanks so much!

RomanceClass.com Advice
First off, I don't think you should blame him (and all men) for being game-players who are only out to destroy the emotions of all girls everywhere. It sounds like what he went through was a really normal progression. He liked you a lot. You brushed him off because of what your *friends* said - and didn't give him a fair chance.

Then of course you hung out some more, and learned what he was really like. Which was sweet. Again, this happens all the time, that you don't want to date someone until you become great friends with them. The best person to date is a great friend so again this is very normal. And since you'd said no to him, his romantic interests wandered elsewhere and found someone new to latch onto.

It's not surprising that he didn't mention this girl to you. Being great friends is one thing. Divulging your love interests is quite another - especially to a friend of the opposite sex. It can cause ALL sorts of conflicts. So he probably was trying to keep his two worlds separate, so that his girlfriend didn't get jealous of you and so you didn't get jealous of this other girl that he liked.

So now you have a crush on a guy that is taken. Which is probably the oldest story in existence. This has happened to EVERY one of us at least once. It happens for a ton of reasons. There's the basic "He was a great guy - why didn't he choose me?" thought and then the "What does SHE have that I don't have" thought and the "After all this time together he just goes with someone else" thought and everything else.

But one of those lessons you learn in life is that you will care for many, many people over time. And many of those people will be unavailable for many reasons - too old, too young, too far away, etc. It's fine to care for people that you can't be with. But you can't obsess over it. You need to accept that you care for him, stay his friend, and go on with your life. If he breaks up with this other girl, he could easily come back to you because you were loyal and patient. It could also be that you will find someone MUCH better for you while you wait, and that he was really a 'training ground' for you to learn more about yourself and about love. And when you meet the new guy you will realize how much you learned from guy #1 - but you will also realize how much better guy #2 is for you.

So give yourself time. There's no rush. People date and break up all the time. Take care of yourself and have fun doing things you love to do. If you are truly happy, happiness will find you.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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