Online Relationship

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
This message is long and probably filled with a lot of information you don't need, but here goes.

I've known this girl for about two years now. We started dating online after about month of knowing each other. I fell in love with her from the moment she said "Hi", and apparently she did too. Our time was usually limited due to her family obligations, school, and sports. However, every second I spent chatting to her were the best I've every had, even my family noticed the changes in me. Our problems started when she went on a tour with her sports team, I knew that she would be around a lot of guys and that worried me, because its easy to have a fling on one of those things. I spoke to her about it, and she promised me that she wasn't interested in any of them, which (after sometime) I believed. When I met her, I sensed that she was anti-social, like me, which I loved. She had friends but very few and told me she didn't need them. However, as time went on I discovered that she would get up at 2am to talk to her friends, something she would never do for me because she was strict about getting to bed at 11pm so she can train in the morning. After talking to her about it she explained that they needed help, which I understand but it still left a scar. All in all our relationship was great, things started to change 3 months into it when she stopped spending time with me and the little time she did spend with me she hardly spoke to me, instead I became a comfort buddy, someone that was just "there", she needed my presence but not as a partner rather as a plush toy. About 3 months later our relationship ended after I inadvertently cheated on her.

I spent the next 2-3 weeks begging her to take me back and telling her I was sorry. Finally we got back together, and things between us sky-rocketed, I got to chat with her more often, even though I was the main one telling her about myself and past experiences, we called each other everyday. Things changed about 2 months into our 2nd try, she ended up dropping into the same habit as before by speaking less and less to me. Eventually, I confronted her and telling her that I don't know her as well as I thought I did (and I thought I should). We tried to work out our problems but I soon discovered that she isn't the type to face her problems, rather she would run away from them. She also ended up cheating on me. We decided that it would be best to spend some time apart, and broke up.

I couldn't bare being without her for more than a week, and when I contacted her again she felt the same. We ended up getting back together and broke up again for the same reasons as before and for her not putting the effort I thought our relationship deserved, she rather put that effort into her friendships, even though I tried to be less jealous and more understanding of her, things got to the point were I felt like I didn't know her anymore.

I then severed all contact with her, so she can move on and live a happy life. At this point she decided to speak to her friends and be more open about herself with them.

Recently her father died, and almost a week later she contacted me to inform me, even though it wasn't her plan to get me to talk to her, I felt I needed to be there for her in every way I could, I spent days trying to comfort her for hours on end. My efforts to make her feel better was rewarded with her telling me "She feels so alone, she has no-one." this statement pushed through my heart like a rusted blade, and that blade was then twisted with the statement "I am going to join a site where people tell the world how much their life sucks and how much they hate their lives", a statement which clearly pointed out my value to her. Pushing my feelings aside I continued to comfort her.

After a few weeks, we were working towards getting back together, she made a noticeable effort to make things work. We reached the point were I was planning to visit her and she said she was going to move here. I found out more about her in that 3 weeks than i did our entire time together. However, I've learned that the old saying "History always repeats itself" is more true than I wished it was. I learned that she met 2 new guys which she never told me about and went to the movies with someone she used to chat to but never met. I saw this as a date (which she said wasn't) and considering she had no intention of telling me, I felt like she wasn't serious about me anymore. The cherry on top of this cake, is that I was so upset about what was happening, and I knew that it was noticeable because absolutely everyone could see it, even my other IM friends. I was so upset and she never asked me about it, after a few days of my downward spiraling depression, she updated her status message saying "I wish he would talk to me, I want to help him", I suspected it wasn't about me, and when I asked her about it my suspicions where true.

I then spent the next 4 months, just being there, waiting on her, when ever she needed me, when ever she wanted something, I would be there on hand and knee. Eventually, I asked her if she still wants me, which she then replied "I don't want anyone else, If I can't have you then I will live and die alone".

It's been 2 weeks since I left, since we decided to go our separate ways.

I've had to stop her from killing herself numerous times, because she "can't live without me". I've told her that she will find someone, even though she doesn't agree, I know she will. Everyone moves on eventually.

I love her more than anyone or anything, she is literally the first and last thing I think of at night. She is almost always on my mind, and I now live my life fighting the tears so that no-one sees my pain. I've left the community where I met her, I've left all the friends I made there for her. She is the single most important thing in my life. In the past 2 weeks, I've read hundreds of relationship advice messages online to find a way to fix things, to find a way to change myself so that we can be together. I know I am a very jealous and insecure person, and I've tried to change, but for me I would be a lot less insecure and jealous if she told me about the happenings in her life as I have told her about mine. In 2 weeks I've suffered thousands of heart breaks, and cried enough tears to fill several Olympic sized swimming pools.

I don't know what to do anymore, the fact that I am writing this message proves that I am willing to try anything, I love her too much to let go. Any Advice?

RomanceClass.com Advice
The trust issue is obvious; also it appears that the two of you get some sort of pleasure out of hurting each other. You don't 'inadvertently' cheat on someone. You did this with forethought and probably a bit of malice in your heart because you felt she was using you and it does sound as if she was. You get back together, break up, then back together. It's the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. She's self centered, and feeds on the drama. When she isn't getting enough, she pulls the tired old threat, "well I'm just going to kill myself." People who REALLY want to commit suicide don't usually broadcast it. The attention seeker will announce it to any one who'll listen. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a person who has such little regard for the feelings of others, especially one who loves her? Have a little respect for yourself. :) Find someone who's happy to be with you because you're a great guy, not because you let them use you like a "plush toy". Good luck.

-- from Jill
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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