We are Both Jealous

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
my bf & I have only been together for 4 months. We moved in together after 2 months of dating because we had already been through a lot of personal things with each other & gotten through them together. We were together every day, all day, when he wasn't working & he stayed with me almost every night. I guess we just figured it would make sense to just live together.

We had so much fun in the beginning. We talked about everything, stories from our pasts, hot girls, strip clubs, anything... I was fun and care free. But his jealousy of my guy friends began to show. Mind you, all we did was text each other and he knew most of them & I let him read the texts. Eventually I gave up and stopped talking to other guys all together which I don't mind. I love him and don't need to talk to other guys.

But once he started showing his jealous side, mine began to come out also. Soon we began to question everything the other did. He works with a landscaping company and is often gone for 12 hours a day and I'm home all day with my 2 year old son. That's the only time we spend apart from each other, literally. We can't even go to our friends to play cards without questioning each other about someone who is there. And now that he's all I have I've become fully dependent upon him and my expectations of him have apparently grown too high... It seems like he can't talk to me about anything anymore because I either get mad at something he says or start crying. Like if he makes a comment about what I did all day, making it seem like I don't do enough or he's better than me or even mentions a girl from a movie like he wants her and not me... Or anything degrading to women or me personally... I break down.

He wants to be a comedian someday so I understand he just wants to be funny all the time & I want to be the person he can have fun with but I feel the need to stand up for myself also. I don't think putting him down is funny. Or telling him how hot I think other guys is is important... He's done really good at trying not to say things that will upset me and I know I'm lucky for that but he still says stuff and blames it on being a guy. I don't get why that is an excuse to put the woman who loves you down or hurt the one you love. I don't understand why I seem to be the only girl who can't handle these things and just let them go. I hate feeling like I'm just a dumb girl.

So not only are we dealing with jealousy but pride also...

We love each other like crazy. I wouldn't be on this stupid thing if we didn't. We just don't know what to do. And the answer don't let little things bother you or choose your battles isn't gonna work so please don't answer this if that's all you've got. I just want to be fun again and I dunno how to get that back and push away the jealousy and pride, especially when he's jealous too.

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RomanceClass.com Advice
Every relationship starts in the high-fun stage and then goes through a crash :) It's the way relationships are. All that hot-fun hormone rush dies down and you're left with dealing with each other on a daily grind. So it's normal for there to be a period of adjustment in there.

Absolutely you have to learn to let the little things go. That is a critical part of life. There are so many large things to worry about. If you let yourself get caught up in the little ones, it is going to eat you alive. Part of learning to deal with a long term relationship is making that transition. Some couples can handle it - and others disintegrate.

A key is having outside friends. You should never only rely on your partner. You always need a supporting cast. So if you don't have that now, then absolutely you need to develop it.

You also absolutely need trust in a relationship. You have to believe in the person you're with. If you don't have trust about little things, like what they did on their night out, how can you trust them when the "real" issues of life hit? This is merely a training ground right now. You have to build up these skills.

Now that all being said, comedian or not, putting down people has no place in a relationship. The foundation of trust is unconditional support and love. If your boyfriend thinks it's funny to put you down, then that needs to stop. He can practice comedian skills elsewhere. Denigrating someone you care for is never a good thing. In studies, it's a sure indicator that the relationship is on its way to a crash.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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