Complicated relationship/ complicated situation

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Dear Romaneclass,

For the longest time me and this guy had a thing for eachother. I wasn't interested in him at first then he asked me out many times until I said Yes. Things were great until on the third date he invited me to his house and things got hot. It wasn't a problem but afterwards things got more complicated. We argued and had fights about trivial things. I was a bit emotional, and he had a habit of disappearing after I got mad.

We weren't together yet, we almost were, but there were always problems before hand. It would be too long to write here.

We stopped talking to eachother since 2008 then this year 2010 we met eachother again. This time he just said he missed me but there were sexual innuendos in his text. I was in love with him so I went back to his house again. We did have sex this time. He asked me alot of questions during the night about my ex boyfriends my life, and everything but I couldn't say much since my life had been horrible after he left me. I met two abusive boyfriends. I didn't want to say that to him and tell my life story so I stayed quiet. I was worried he will think I am easy too, so I wasn't comfortable being with him.

Afterwards we promised to stay in touch but it seems he is not making much effort. Before we had lunch after the night with him. I told him that I like him alot. He told me 1) I need to find myself and 2) I need to control my emotions.
It's almost like he is giving me a condition to be his girlfriend.

I tried to talk and text him but he is always travelling, busy, or something. I don't know what to make of his behavior. He tried calling me once and got a bit mad and asked why I didn't answer his phone through Facebook.

I don't know what to think. It's been 4 years that I liked this guy and I feel he is going to break my heart. Should I continue to try and talk to him or just leave and be safe? Advice
I think you know inside what the answer is. It's the painful one - he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship. Someone who wants you will chase you down and make it clear what his intentions are. You should not have to be the one putting all the effort into things.

It's a good thing he is being as honest as he is with his feedback about you. I would not read any more into it. I don't think you need to control your emotions to be with a guy - that is like asking you to be a different person, which isn't fair - but suggesting you find yourself is actually sound advice. Throw yourself into family, friends, hobbies, sports, or whatever makes you feel happy and alive.

-- from Jill
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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