The Feeling has Faded

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I've been dating this girl for nearly 9 months, and in the last couple weeks, the feeling has faded dramatically. I would break up with her now, but she has been my best friend for 3 years. Basically, the thing is, the new has faded, and I know we're not right for each other. To me, that is enough to break up, but what should I say to her, because I really want to remain as close as we were. Help! Advice
The key thing here is - ALL relationships go from the peak must-have feeling early on to something else. You can't stay high energy forever. The thing people dream of is to then go to a very calm, sedate best-friend feeling after a number of months. The other prime option is that they burn out and the two dislike each other. Which is a bad option!

You say that she's your best friend. Obviously you still care for each other. Are you sure you're not just going through the normal "Ah, the passion is gone" stage of a relationship? The passion does not last forever! Otherwise people would burn each other out :) The passion is there to get you two together in the first place.

But if you look at married couples, they're not pawing each other constantly. They LOVE each other, and are best friends. That is far, far more important. You want a friend to go through life with, someone who cares for you, has fun with you, is comfortable with you. Sex is good too, but you can't maintain that first-dating level of 'high energy' forever.

Really think this through. Most people would be REALLY REALLY happy to find someone to marry that they are best friends with, happy with, can really get along with. Many married couples are 'stuck' with someone that was 'fun and passionate' at first and then turned into a stranger, because they were never friends! If you guys are great friends, then you already have what many married couples are lacking. If the only thing that's changing is that the "spark" is gone - then don't assume this is a 'relationship killer'. For most relationships, this is a *positive* sign that you've been together long enough that you are now best friends and comfortable with each other.

The prince/princess happily ever after where they are constantly madly in love just really doesn't happen in life. Healthy relationships evolve into two people in love who are best friends and who enjoy each other's company, and also have outside interests and family and friends- two unique, individual people who love each other. Could that be you two?

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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