Moving Together after Long Distance

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I met my boyfriend at the end of February. Since the day we met, we spent every day together, I even moved in with him. Problem is, he was only out here for a year doing his residency. He moved back east in July to take a job and he is not coming back. He was raised back east, his family lives there and he also signed a 5 year contract with his new employer.

We still talk on the phone every day and I went to visit him Labor Day weekend. I am willing to leave my hometown to go be with him permanently but he is not sure that is what he wants. He admitted cheating on me once while we have been apart but tells me he was just horny and he still loves me.

After he told me he cheated I told him I cannot trust him to be faithful if we are so far away from each other and he needs to decide if he wants me to move out to be with him. Yesterday he told me his decision. He said he loves me but he is just not ready to move me out there.

I am so hurt I feel like I could die. I don't know what to do. This morning I told him I would do anything to be with him, even if that means we allow ourselves to see other people so we can know if we really want to be with each other. He agreed that that is best. We will allow ourselves to date and if after a few months our feelings are still as strong as they are now, he will move me out there.

I am visiting him for 2 weeks in October. What do I do? I feel that every day we are apart, he may meet another girl and fall in love. I am so scared I have even thought about trying to get pregnant when I see him. Please help. Advice
First off, never, ever get pregnant to "solve a problem". People who do that end up alone with a child. While he might marry you, that would always be a huge issue, he would hate you for doing it to him. He would eventually probably leave you, telling everyone he could what a jerk you were to backstab him like that. It is NOT a pretty situation.

If you guys were meant to be, then you were! And while you guys had a powerful attraction at first, those attractions are MEANT to start powerful and then they fade when more mature love sets in. He might be worried that all you had was the attraction, and that you didn't have enough in common to last more long term. So that is what you need to show him.

October isn't that far away. So go out and have fun with him, and stop pressuring him! The more you show him that you are a force in his life that causes stress, the less he will want to be involved in it. Show him that you are a person that understands him, enjoys being with him, is a good partner in what he likes to do. That you share his interests, his goals and his dreams. That is what every one of us wants out of life.

Then if you're really serious, move out to live near him, with no stressful commitments. If you guys are just 'dating' then he's likely to enjoy it, enjoy you, and realize / remember just what a good match you were. But if you start tricking him, coercing him and forcing him, he is going to look at you as a lying, manipulative vixen and want to get you as far away from him as humanly possible.

The bottom line - be honest and loving, and be yourself. That is what he loved about you before, and that is what will strengthen the love now.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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