He Ran from Arguments and Cheated Twice

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am so hurt and disapointed that I don't know what to do. I need help and don't know where to turn. My husband and I have been together for 2 years. One night my son and he had an argument my husband had been drinking. He left for the night the next night when I found him he was a womans house I confronted the both of them they both denied sleeping together. A few months later he and I had a fight he left home overnight once again. I felt he had again cheated but wasn't sure with whom.

He was arrested a few day later (long story) I send him money and write letters to him all the time. I should mention that the second time he cheated I was 8 months pregnant. He only admited to me that he had cheated when I found out I had contacted an STD. But in his letter he said I am so sorry if I gave it to you but I swear I used a condom both times. Why would he have said he was sorry if he had indeed used a condom?

Now he writes me letters all the time almost daily telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and how he will spend the rest of his life proving to me he does and trying to regain my trust. I have told him I will still send him money while he is jail and he can see the kids when he gets out but that is all I can do for him now. But I still love him very much and his letters are heart breaking.

I want my marriage to work very much but how do I know if he is telling the truth? How do I know if he will not cheat again, the way I see it he already has. If he regreted it the first time why the hell did he do it again? Should I let go or should I give our marriage one last try?

RomanceClass.com Advice
It definitely sounds like he wasn't committed to the relationship, if when you guys had trouble he would run off and sleep with someone else. Those STDs are exactly why cheating is so nasty - they cause incredibly serious health problems for some people. For him to only think about himself and his needs, instead of caring about what it could do to YOU, is one of the worst parts of the betrayal.

Normally it takes something really serious to wake up a cheater and help them turn over a new leaf. It really could be that being in jail and realizing that he could lose EVERYTHING has done that for him. But it could also be that this is his "in jail" attitude and that once he's out he wants to "live it up" and celebrate being free again.

I would really talk with a therapist as a couple when he gets out, no matter which way things will go. You deserve that much whether he stays or goes. The therapist can help really have him see how bad it was what he was doing before, and can help you guys find a better way to live going forward. If you decide to break up, at least you know you did your best effort on making things work. If you decide to keep him, you'll have more trust that things will actually be different and that you'll both have a fresh, new attitude.

Even if it's just for a few weeks, I think especially with him having been in jail that it's really important. Guys can change a LOT in jail and the therapist can help you deal with him, never mind everything else.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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