My Ex Forgot about Me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I miss my ex and can't get over him. It's a horrible situation.

I was friends with him for a couple of months. Then we took it further and he was so happy. We only dated for 2 months but it just seemed so right because we got to know each other as friends first. He was friends with my friends also before we dated. I kinda brought him into the group. So now he is still hanging out with my 2 close friends. I haven't gone out on fridays because he is there for a month and a half now. It would just be too painful for me to see him picking up others in bars/clubs. He told me things like he loved me and can't bear to see me with someone else, but he also said I'm not sure If i'm ready to settle down. Not sure I believe that of course.

I never really made a lot of big plans with him.. like lets go here, etc and that was 1 thing he didn't like..but I did love him. I took a joke too far one time and thats what did the breakup. I just feel the that and the issues were minor and workable if he "loved me" and he would have forgiven me and we would work on things. He felt so strongly for me it seemed.. I can't stop thinking of the things he said. I wrote him an email saying all this. Then he messaged me online saying my letter was "sweet" and then told me i need to work on issues before being with anyone. He also said online he hopes when i'm ready we can be friends again. i agreed like a jerk to the me having to work on issues part like a jerk, but then recently took it back in a short letter i gave to him with his stuff I've had through my friend)

I took that comment back saying i don't agree and then said "I wish i could turn off my feelings like a light switch like you did . maybe it would be easier at times when i think of things but i'm not that type and realize i don't want to be." Now i'm freaking out about it.. I hope it wasn't too much but thats that I feel he did. (No response through email from him) He felt so strong and then he can just go back to being friends like nothing. I miss him everyday, I cry a lot all over again.. was doing good for a while but now I can't bear the thought of him not wanting to be together. He is just the greatest guy to me.

RomanceClass.com Advice
All breakups are hard, and they can easily take a few months of pain, sadness, loneliness to get through. It doesn't sound like he turned off his feelings - he told you he would feel badly to see you with someone else. But it sounds like whatever was wrong between you two was serious enough that he felt better being away from you than with you. That doens't mean he disliked you! It means that things were wrong and you two weren't fixing them. So beating on him for 'turning off his feelings' isn't going to help anything, and it doesn't sound like it's true.

All relationships SHOULD be great friendships so 'going back to friends' shouldn't be a change. What changed is the *romance* part and that should never be the "most important" part of what you have. It doesn't sound like one small joke was the problem here. It sounds like something more serious was wrong and that you're not really facing up to it.

I would stop trying to do things via email or via shots in the dark. I would sit down and have a talk with him -

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/hardtalk.asp

which is something friends should do. And find out what was REALLY bothering you both about this relationship. Was he not feeling that you put enough energy into it? That he had to do all the work? Did he feel that you didn't take it seriously enough? Did he feel like you didn't try to understand how he was feeling? You need to really listen to him, not interrupt and understand. And then you need to explain to him how YOU were feeling, what bothered you. It's only by actually talking about the issues that there is any chance of working through them. Sending jabs through email is going to ensure there is NO chance.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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