He Wants to Date Around
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Femalemy boyfriend and I have been together for three amazing months. I love him so much and I care about him more than I have ever cared about any guy. He told me that he has such strong feelings for me and that he has never felt that strong for anyone else. We have a great relationship and talk about anything and everything and anytime we are together it is a great time no matter where or when. We have so much incommon and share so many of the same views and everything really has been perfect...until a couple days ago.
He asked me if him and I could reduce our relationship to dating because no girls had ever really flirted with him before and he wanted to be able to go out with other girls and see what it is like and not have to worry about if anything happens with any of the girls he wouldn't be cheating on me. And he said that this being his last year in highschool he wanted to go out and have fun. He just wanted to be able to date and do what he wanted for like a month and get back together. He said he still loves me and that nothing would change that.
When he asked me this I got so mad, and we talked about it for over four hours. He told me I don't understand. I told him if he really loved me he would never have asked me that. Well as of last night I talked to him about it again and he said that the last thing he wanted was to hurt me or to ruin our relationship or to break up. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to stay with me and he was sorry for being such an "asshole."
I don't know what to do and I need some help. I am afraid if I stay with him that I am constantly going to wonder if he is thinking about other girls and I am going to worry that he could dump me at anytime because he wants to go have "fun" with other girls and doesn't want to be "tied down." When I talked to him last night he said I have nothing to worry about and that he was just tired and was really stressed out, but that it wouldn't happen again, but can I really believe that? Everyone makes mistakes, should I give him that chance to prove that he wont do it again and that he does care about me?
I still really love him but I don't want to get hurt. but loving someone is taking the risk of getting hurt...I understand that he is 18 and he has a lot to think about and a lot of things to organize in his life and being in a serious relationship can be hard sometimes...but I don't know what to do,
Everyone tells me that they can see how much he loves me and that I have made a huge impact on his life, and that he has changed so much since he has been with me and that he has matured a lot. And when I talked to him last night he said that he was worried that I would tell him it was over and he apologised numerous times, and said that he hoped I would stay with him. Please help I really could use some advice.
RomanceClass.com AdviceThere's a saying
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
Love is NOT about claiming ownership over someone or wanting to possess them, or getting furious with them when they try to tell you how they feel. Your boyfriend tried to express a feeling he had - that he enjoys flirting and fun, and that for most people in high school this is a normal part of life. Your response was to stomp on him for sharing his feelings with you, intimidating him into being worried about every sharing his honest feelings with you again.
If the only reason he stays with you is that you become furious with him if he talks about leaving that is NOT healthy. And if he DOES find someone else that is able to talk with him about things without blowing up, he might be very fond of that person in comparison. A great relationship is about best friends who support each other and love each other - and who want the best for each other. It sounds like the moment you heard something you didn't like, you tried to shut him down.
ANYBODY can dump ANYBODY any time they want. That is what a relationship about - two people who are together through MUTUAL DESIRE and who both are totally happy in that situation. If your guy wants to date others and have fun without strings, and if you are looking to get married in high school, then obviously your points of view are VERY different here. This is something you have to talk about seriously - not something that you should make him feel guilty about or yell at him for. He HAS to be able to tell you how he feels and feel ACCEPTED when he does. If you turn him into a guy that can't talk to you, he will quickly turn into a guy who isn't your boyfriend any more.
I honestly would say, if he wants a break, let him have a break. Stay his best friend. If you two are really that good together he will realize that once he gets this flirting out of his system and your relationship will be even stronger than before. But if you tie him down and force him to stay with you as the *only* way you can possible stay together, then the relationship is doomed to failure. He has to CHOOSE to stay with you. You cannot FORCE him to stay with you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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