She's Moved On, I Haven't

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girl friend and I broke up three months ago. we never argued, it was a very loving relationship. We were so much in love, we were talking marriage. This lady means so much to me. I felt totaly comfortable with her.

Two months after we break up and the first guy she dates, knows for only two weeks moves in with her. They are now living together. I have read all the statistics regarding Cohabitation before marrage, most of it negative. What do you think the chances of this new relationship working out, when you have someone move in after only knowing them for two weeks, This lady wants to be married.

I have tryed to get back together and discuss the issue for our break up, but when I found out she was dating the new guy I stopped. I will not have any further contact with her. It hurts so much, I still love this lady, and would like to get her back. Advice
Well first, I realize you have fond memories of your relationship with her, but obviously SOMETHING was seriously wrong to cause the breakup. If you guys never talked about it, that was in essence what was the main cause of the breakup. A relationship should always discuss problem areas and work on them. If the reason you guys never argued is that you never talked about the problems, that isn't healthy.

Her moving in after only 2 weeks isn't good - it sounds like she moved in on the rebound to soothe her damaged self esteem. You really can't go by statistics on cohabitation before marriage. The whole POINT of cohabitating is to test out if two people are good together. So the fact that many break up is a GOOD thing because it means those people weren't well suited to marriage! If they had married instead, they'd now either be stuck in an unhappy marriage or filing for divorce. It's much better that they tried it, realized it wasn't right and went on to find someone with whom it WAS right.

She really needs to get through her rebound period before she can think logically about any of this, and by living with the new guy she's making that hard. I would start talking with her again as a friend and at least talk about what went wrong between you two. You deserve that much as closure from the previous relationship. Maybe her talking to you about it will help her learn some things about herself too. But you can't change her - and if you pressure her to do something different with her life she may just rebel to "be her own person". So I wouldn't try to steer her. I would just talk to her and be there for her and let her see what the wise choice is on her own.

-- from Jenn
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