Lying is Never Right

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and at one point I thought that he was "the one". On the weekend i kissed someone else and feel bad about it.

I want to tell him but he is 2 weeks short of submitting his thesis and is very stressed. I know if I told him now it would distract him too much and I couldn't do that to him (even though I cheated on him). The other thing is that I am leaving for overseas in 2 months so im not sure what will happen with the relationship then because I plan to be away for 9+ months. He wants to stay together but I am not ready for that kind of commitment at a time I am discovering myself as well as the world.

I know what I did is wrong and while I value honesty over most things he is the type of person to never fully recover from it.

I know in my heart what I should do but I would appreciate someone else to put it in words (and perspective) for me. Advice
The very moment you say "I am going to lie to my partner because he can't take the truth" you have doomed your relationship to failure. You are now a person who is capable of withholding important things from your partner for your own self interest. You have locked the relationship into a situation where you can't even THINK about being honest because you are incapable of talking through a difficult situation.

Do you think kissing someone is going to be the hardest thing 2 people who are together for decades will face? Since it isn't, does this mean that you are just going to keep lying about things that come up that are troubling, because you "know" he can't handle the real news? The more you lie, the more you'll think lying is the answer, and the more you'll lie just to cover your butt or to make your own life easy. And soon he WILL find out about a betrayal and perhaps hate you for the rest of your life. It's simply not worth it.

I would wait until his thesis is in, to be kind to him about that. But then tell him. If your relationship WILL be strong enough to last while you're overseas, it will be because of honesty and trust. It will NOT have any chance at all of lasting - even as a friendship - if it is based on lying.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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