I was obsessive, she cheated, nothing was working

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other in the summer. At that point, we began to talk about marriage and how right everything feels. we never fought or anything and talked about an hour every night. it was the most wonderful sensation when we got back to school and I got to see her, this girl that was madly in love with me. I slept over at her place (I have a roomate) every night.

Somehow, i found myself drifting more into her than she was into me. I began to realize that i did so much for her and I was just content in knowing she was there, I mean, we were in love also, i was reminded just about all the time. Something was getting wrong though, but we didn't address the issue. she seemed less interested in me and, at the same time. i was falling more and more into her.

anyways, the night before our anniversary, she went out with this guy, a boy from her norwegian class. They spent the entire day together and it was obvious to her that he really, really liked her. That night, two nights after i slept over at my friends place (my girlfriend knew that I was physically attracted to this friend), she slept over at his place. they got drunk, had fun with his friends and then had sex.... ON OUR ANNIVERSARY!

i knew it was going to happen, i had that feeling. i cried all night. anyway, we've been "broken up" for five or so weeks. for about a week, i got back together with her and everything was basically the same except i didn't sleep over there anymore. then, my sister came for the weekend after she heard of what happened and told me i could never get back together with her. taking her advice, i told her that i couldn't ever get back together.

the minute my sister left, i regretted saying that and my regret made me even more desperate. for a while, i kept busy with school, or at least tried to. i thought it would be like last time.

about six months into the relationship, we broke up for three weeks. i lost my composure, went into a depression. when i got out of it and went back to being myself, we were as good as new. by the way, she slept with this other guy while we were on that break. she's slept with about 8 guys other than me. yet, with the time apart, she seemed colder than ever. eventually, after breaking down in front of her alot, calling alot , thinking about her during every breath i took and coming over once in the middle of the night because she wouldn't answer her phone, we finally hung out. she told me she was now seeing the guy she cheated on me with.

i became hysterical. she cried with me everytime i cried, she kept telling me she loves me. she kept telling me that everything was going to be ok. i became obsessive. i couldn't get the thought of them kissing and having sex out of my head. with some time, i got a little better.

we both went to madison wisconsin (she drove with her new guy) for holloween. there, she called me a bunch of times, wanting to talk with me, asking me how i was. she really wanted to introduce me to her friend. when she didn't get to see me and when i didn't pick up the phone she got really mad (maybe because i was staying with a friend of mine (girl) that really likes me). well, when we got home, she sent me an e-mail that said she couldn't get through this with me and that she wanted a complete break-off. it was the first e-mail ever that she didn't say "i love you" in.

i saw her accidentally near the library the day after. the minute she saw me, she started crying and told me how sorry she was and that she loves me and that evreything is going to be ok. i took that to heart. i reponded to the e-mail but she didn't call me for two days.

anyways, the guy she cheated on me with and is now seeing lives two blocks away from me and has a car. just because i couldn't stop thinking about her, i decided to see if his car was there at midnight on a school night. it wasn't. i immediatly ran over to her place and saw the car there. i called, sounded really upset, i asked if we could talk and she said she didnt want to. i saw them leave together. i couldn't get the thought of them together out of my head, i slept for two hours. this was last night. i kept on calling her and told her we needed to talk. i told her i've had enough of acting like this.

i signed up for therapy sessions and promised, not only to her, but to me, that i would try my hardest to be myself again. after i told her this, she wanted to see me and was glad she did. we talked for a little while, mainly about what we need to change individually. i was holding back tears.

i guess what i'm trying to ask is what exactly do i need/want to do to be able to get back together with her as soon as possible. both of us agree that there was something wrong, though we're not really sure on what yet, we also agree that it was such a touching, close relationship. what should i do now? and, how long does it usually take?

RomanceClass.com Advice
On one hand you can say that you were obsessive and depressed. But on the other hand, you two were in a relationship. She had a responsibility to talk to you if she was unhappy about something and to try to work on it with you. Instead she lied to you, cheated on you and doens't seem to have changed her tune at all. When things get rough, she goes out looking for a new partner and just leaves you behind. Then she feels guilty and goes back to you, but it doesn't seem to last long.

A relationship should NEVER be about one person pressuring the other one into staying in it. It sounds like she's just not happy being in this relationship and that you keep trying to FORCE it to work because you like her. Yes, we all like people, but that doesn't mean we can make them date us. She and you are great friends, but there obviously is a pretty big disconnect as far as dating, respect and honesty goes.

People are simply different from each other. Somewhere out there is a girl who will love you the way you are and who you will love in return. It sounds like you are building a fantasy around this girl and wanting her to fit in your perfect pattern - but that she is NOT the girl that matches you and the more you try to force her to fit, the more unhappy she is and wants someone who WILL fit what she needs. And she finds those guys elsewhere, and then you get upset.

I would really work with this therapist and take that work seriously. The most important thing you can do is be happy with YOU, as a person, on your own, without having other people "fulfill you". Once you are happy, you can look for a girl to be happy WITH. It really doesn't seem like it's this girl you keep trying to FORCE things to work with. But I'm sure she is out there, if you would just open your eyes!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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